If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay (I always kept watch for the Viet Cong)

"Cindy McCain appeared at the Republican National Convention, and Vanity Fair took a look at an outfit she wore. The magazine priced it out at around $300,000. With that kind of money, you could buy an 11th house. Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000? If Cindy McCain were a plane, Sarah Palin would sell her on eBay." -Jimmy Kimmel

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent (Torso Jones)

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? How many? (this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge!)

The 39-year-old JD Vance, was once an adamant never-Trumper. But he changed his tune to get Trump’s endorsement in 2022, and now he’s full-metal Maga. In fact, he’s been called the ‘Maga heir-in-waiting’.” Colbert as Trump: ‘He’s like the son I never had. What? How many? OK, then he’s the bearded son I never had. What? How many?!’ —Stephen Colbert

The lowlight of the RNC convention was a bizarre confrontation on the convention floor between former speaker Kevin McCarthy and Congressman Matt Gaetz. Gaetz, who led the charge to remove McCarthy as speaker, barged in during McCarthy’s live TV interview on the convention floor to tell him he would get booed off the stage. McCarthy, who has publicly reiterated charges that Gaetz had sexual relations with minors, again stated the ethics complaints against Gaetz on live TV. If you have dirty laundry in your past, maybe don’t barge in on live TV interviews. McCarthy also told Gaetz: “Don’t be an asshole.” Excuse me. Are you telling this guy not to be an asshole? Would you tell the sun not to shine, or the grass not to grow? Would you tell the surf not to crash on the shore? Look at that guy! That is a perfect central casting asshole! If you were a decent person, and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best asshole you could ever be, this is the picture you’d tape to your fridge! —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, Milwaukee’s the finest city in, I want to say, Indiana (a nightmare world beyond parody)

During a rally on Saturday, former President Donald Trump bragged about passing a cognitive exam before mistakenly referring to his White House doctor, Ronny Jackson, as “Ronny Johnson.” It’s like walking into a glass door after the doctor says you have 20/20 vision.” — Jimmy Fallon

[Imitating Trump] “I love Ronny Johnson. Doc Ronny — Doc Ronny Johnson. He gave me the test, then I went home to my beautiful wife, Malaria.” — Stephen Colbert

“The sad thing is under MAGA law, his name is now Ronny Johnson.” —Jon Stewart

“Just weeks before he heads to the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, he called Milwaukee ‘a horrible city,’ forcing liberals around the country to defend Milwaukee, a city they then had to pretend to have been to: ‘Oh, Milwaukee’s the finest city in, I want to say, Indiana.’” — Jon Stewart

“Trump’s team tried to defend the remarks, saying the former president wasn’t calling the whole city horrible, just crime in the city, with one aide saying, ‘He was directly referring to crime in Milwaukee.’ Now he does have a point. Milwaukee has become so soft on crime that their convention center is hosting a convicted felon.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when you finish and your partner holds up a score (less fraudy by comparison)

March Madness is here. The last third of March means it’s time for college basketball. This is that magical time of the year when the co-worker who knows the least about sports wins $900 in your March Madness pool. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other sports news, officials running the 2024 Olympics in Paris have lifted the intimacy ban for the athletes’ village that was put in place in 2021, during the pandemic. The Paris Games will distribute over 300,000 condoms to its 14,250 athletes. Let’s do the math: that’s 21 condoms per competitor. If you’re having that much sex during the Olympics, you’re probably going to miss the Olympics. —Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s a very Paris thing to do. Every once in awhile, the French need to remind the world that being horny is their thing. The only bad thing about sex during the Olympics is when you finish and your partner holds up a score.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is said to be considering a new hire: Paul Manafort, one of his former campaign advisers, who went to prison for tax and bank fraud and was pardoned by Trump in 2020. News outlets reported that he was in talks about helping with the Republican National Convention. Trump’s team is hoping that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Conspiracy theorists are up 37-0 (Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races)

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

It was revealed today that Donald Trump is using campaign donations and money from the Republican National Committee to help pay for his legal fees tied to the Russia investigation. Trump using campaign funds is not illegal but an unprecedented move by a sitting president and we all know how Donald Trump feels about anything unprecedented. He feels it's hard to spell. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only president I know that takes Spring Break (and more proof that God is a woman)

"President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes Spring Break." –David Letterman

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney had another scare. He was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. He was okay, he was just winded from torturing a detainee." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs (shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama)

It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama. –James Corden

Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! The bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re just a group of ordinary citizens wearing bear skin and horns (they’ll throw you right in the goulash)

“The Republican party is having a bit of an internal squabble right now. The party is divided over whether the violent insurrection of January 6 was a violent insurrection or just a lively sightseeing tour of the Capitol. A week ago, the Republican National Committee voted to censure GOP legislators Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney for participating in the House inquiry into the insurrection, and in a statement called the attack ‘ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse’. They’re just a group of ordinary citizens wearing bear skin and horns smearing feces on the wall of the Capitol. Just ordinary citizens.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In a rebuke of his own party, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, reaffirmed this week that the attack was ‘a violent insurrection’ aimed at preventing the peaceful transfer of power. Just to show you how far down the crazy hole we’ve gone, we’re now applauding Republicans who are willing to admit that what happened, happened.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But there’s not just crazy, there’s some dumb going on, too, including deranged comments this week by Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. Greene likened Congress to a gulag and said Nancy Pelosi deployed ‘gazpacho police’, instead of the Gestapo. If you’ve got cold soup you’d better watch it, because Nancy Pelosi is coming for it. These must be the soup Nazis Seinfeld warned us about so many years ago. And if the gazpacho police get ahold of you they’ll throw you right in the goulash.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities (Mitt will be introduced by his money)

August 2012

"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman

"On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money." –David Letterman

"You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a vice president who hunts is always a good choice (That's right, unlimited bread sticks)

August 2012

"Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists." –David Letterman

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman 

"I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan (Blah, Blah, Flag, Kicka**, Jesus)

May 2012

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first. It should win a reverse Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a shitty book called 'Scum: How Liberals Something, Something, Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler (three fact-checkers had to be taken into concussion protocol)

August 2020

Jerry Falwell, Jr. is in trouble. Apparently his wife was having an affair with the pool boy and allegedly Falwell would watch them having sex from the corner of the room. He says he did not have sex himself with the pool boy. He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler. —Bill Maher

Falwell would allegedly watch his wife having sex with the pool boy from the corner of the room. So at least social distancing was maintained. —Bill Maher

I was watching the republican convention. It was a great week if you love reality shows but hate reality. —Bill Maher

Did you see Trump’s speech last night? There were three fact-checkers that had to be taken into concussion protocol. —Bill Maher

Trump bragged that he had created the greatest economy since man began to walk erect. And the proof of that is that the demand these days for coffins, plywood, rocks, bottles and replacement plate glass has never higher. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now we don't know who won World War II (I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction)

August 2020

“After watching the Republican national convention, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve got chills, I’ve got nausea. It’s either the onset of Covid, or seeing 1,500 people with no social distancing, no masks and no testing packed on to the South Lawn of the White House. I know Republicans like voter suppression, I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction.” —Stephen Colbert

“Before Donald Trump capped the convention with a nearly 70-minute speech, he was introduced by his daughter an American Girl doll just following orders, Ivanka Trump, who boasted about working with her father to pass ‘nine pieces of legislation to combat the evil of human trafficking’. And then I watched him tell one of those human traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell, that he wished her well.” —Stephen Colbert

“The presidency proverbially changes the occupant. It matures them, it ages them. But Trump doesn’t do any of the stuff that matures you or ages you, like worrying about the American people or feeling responsibility for protecting them or evidently anything else. Looking at Trump in 2016 and now in 2020, I guess it’s true what they say: taxidermy don’t cracks-a-dermy. The last four years are like Trump is Dorian Gray and we’re the picture.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-Span (Guess which one first?)

“So in lieu of a platform, the R.N.C. released a one-page resolution that pledges its undying support to Trump. That’s not a political party — that’s a cult! [as Trump] ‘Welcome to the convention, everybody. Take off your masks and put on your matching Nikes and your MAGA hats. Then drink up our bleach-flavored Kool-Aid. I’m marrying all the daughters. Guess which one first?’” —Stephen Colbert

“A particularly hard watch was Donald Trump Jr’s girlfriend and vengeful banshee who will haunt your dreams, Kimberly Guilfoyle, who screamed this message of hope, ‘If you want to see the socialist Biden-Harris future for our country, just take a look at California!’ I’m trying to look at California, but there’s fire everywhere because of climate change. California’s governor, Gavin Newsom, is Guilfoyle’s ex-husband. I’m guessing that was not an amicable split. But I think I know who was awarded custody of the rage, because when it came to the president’s agenda, she had some very nuanced screams. Guilfoyle shouted, as if leading a worship service, to an empty room, ‘President Trump believes in you, he emancipates and lifts you up to live your American dream!Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best! is yet! to come!’ Excuse me for hiding under my desk. Is the loud lady gone? I’m scared! This is the first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-Span.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks (But what if your doctor is not Amish?)

"Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president." –Jay Leno

"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay Leno

"A woman named Sue Lowden is a Republican running for the Senate in Nevada. You know this healthcare thing? The Republicans are against it. She says one of the ways you can keep the cost of your healthcare down is to barter with your doctor. You know, trade with him. That's a great idea. But what if your doctor is not Amish? O.K., what do you do then?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden (Sure. That's free)

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Bill of Temporary Privileges (He was already the dumb brother)

"Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread." --Jay Leno

"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " --Jay Leno

"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher (The true ruling power of our country)

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! --James Corden

The bodyguard has a lot of experience in his field. He served in the U.S. Navy and the New York City police department, so according to Trump, he has almost enough weapons training to work as a school teacher. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html