the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there (especially if people talk on them while driving)

"The new White House press spokesman is Fox News Channel's Tony Snow. This is the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record." --Jay Leno

 

"Speaking of that, a Fox News crew was shot at on live TV as they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we're not 100% sure who did the shooting, but the interesting part is the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there."  --Jay Leno

 

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno on George W. Bush

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to New Orleans, how long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

 "Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country (but let's not think about it)

"Oprah says that President Obama and the first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars." –Conan O'Brien 

"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien 

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was caught on tape bragging about having sex with two different lobbyists (Hubby Hubby ice cream)

"Yet another family values Republican has been caught in a sex scandal. I love this story: This time, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (the guy is married) was caught on tape bragging having sex with two different lobbyists. A politician having sex with two lobbyists. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I believe that's a total of 3 whores, right?" --Jay Leno

"And in honor of gay marriage now being legal in the state of Vermont, Ben & Jerry's is now selling 'Hubby Hubby' ice cream. You know, if you want to name an ice cream after gay marriage, why not just call it 'Ben & Jerry's?'" --Jay Leno

"And folks, they are doing it again. It's being reported that Goldman Sachs gave out $11 billion in bonuses. But they told their executives to be discreet with their money. What do you mean their money? It's our money!" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

No cloning. Except for Scarlett Johansson (a bright red 1965 camel)

"President Obama has lifted the 8-year-old ban on stem cell research. But he was emphatic about one point. He said no cloning. No cloning. Except for Scarlett Johansson." -- David Letterman

"Celebrity birthday today. Osama bin Laden turned 52 today, and apparently he's going through a mid-life crisis because he bought himself a bright red 1965 camel." -- David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

creating more scientists/kissing booth/second husbands

  

"In a preview of a looming 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hillary Clinton, Thursday, accused  President George W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on his previous wars, this will probably just end up creating more scientists." --Seth Meyers

   

"Barack Obama's campaign announced Monday that they have raised more than $20 million in the last three months. Even more amazing, he did it all with a kissing booth." --Amy Poehler

      

"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler

   

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

My statements were basically accurate and reflect reality (writer's strike)

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating." --Jay Leno

"Hey, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It's kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

JOKES: It’s so great to be back here in the place where I was built (Sir, that was a basketball game)

Vice President Mike Pence today toured a factory in St. Louis. Pence was like, “It’s so great to be back here in the place where I was built.” –Seth Meyers 

President Trump said today that he very much enjoyed his tour of the National Museum of African American History and Culture yesterday. One employee was like, “Sir, that was a basketball game.” –Seth Meyers

According to a new report, more Americans over 65 are using marijuana to relieve pain. Said one such American, “I’m 65? How long have I been playing Call of Duty?” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Marmaduke came out against stem cell research (Bush comics)

"I'm sure you know by know Muslim groups are outraged and are rioting over cartoons that are appearing in European newspapers that they say are offensive. Now they have attacked something very important to President Bush. The comics." --Jay Leno

"They're boycotting Danish products in the Muslim world. Luckily, not too many mosques are made out of Legos." --Jay Leno

"You've all heard a controversial Danish cartoon, still sparking protests with Muslim fundamentalists, because they claim the cartoon defames Islam. And folks, if that weren't bad enough, today Marmaduke came out against stem cell research." --Conan O'Brien

Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal? (It's called Duck!)

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" --Jay Leno

 "When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno

"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?" --Jay Leno

they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend (except in Iraq)

The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn’t a dessert or a spread, it’s a cry for help. –James Corden

The Food and Drug Administration is asking people what they use Nutella for, and 37 percent said dessert, 23 percent said as a spread, and 40 percent said they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend. –James Corden

Also in the news, last night the Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908. That’s so long ago, the 2016 election hadn’t even started yet. –James Corden

George W Bush, "Tony Blair did it!"

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

"The big news of the day is that President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad -- flew in and out. He sneaked in. It worked so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

  

"According to scientists one day we may have sex with robots. And if you want to know what that's like, just ask Maria Shriver."  --David Letterman

"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman

what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses (Not a Clue)

"Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Bill Maher

"The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denigrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses." --Bill Maher

"Big day today. Our boy George has become a man. George W. Bush has finally lost his veto virginity. He gave it to stem cell research good. The president wanted to make the first time special -- and I'm not condoning this -- he did it in front of a bunch of kids." --Stephen Colbert

Now the first time you do it, it's always a little awkward (Gay Dudes)

"Congratulations, President Bush. I was getting worried. You had been in office for almost six years and hadn't done the dirty deed yet. Now the first time you do it, it's always a little awkward, so don't feel bad that you end up vetoing a bill that two-thirds of the country supports. But now that the first one is over, you're going to want to do it over and over. You're going to want to put your pen on anything that looks remotely like legislation. I got some good news in that area. You're probably going to have a lot of bills to veto after this November when the Democrats take back Congress." --Stephen Colbert

"The NAACP is holding their annual convention in Washington and tomorrow, the president is going to speak. Though they have their differences with President Bush, the NAACP has invited him to speak at every convention for the past five years. And the president has responded the way any great civil rights leader would -- with a boycott." --Stephen Colbert

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live

It should go twice as fast once the 'Orient Queen' is joined by its sister ship, the 'Asian Flamer.'

"To be fair, we are getting Americans out. Earlier today, 1,000 Americans were evacuated from Lebanon aboard a cruise ship called the 'Orient Queen.' The evacuation should go twice as fast once the 'Orient Queen' is joined by its sister ship, the 'Asian Flamer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Washington. He's back from the big G-8 Summit in Russia. President Bush said he got a lot of s--- done." --David Letterman

"Apparently the G-8 Summit was not that successful. Only one good thing came out of the G-8 Summit. They issued a desperate plea to Superman." --David Letterman

"Big day today. Our boy George has become a man. George W. Bush has finally lost his veto virginity. He gave it to stem cell research good. The president wanted to make the first time special -- and I'm not condoning this -- he did it in front of a bunch of kids." --Stephen Colbert

Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today when it comes to war, Americans need to know where he stands. Forget the war, I want to know where he stands when he goes on a hunting trip." --Jay Leno

"The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will (Showered with love)

"What a week for our president. Yesterday he lost his 'vetoginity' -- that a boy, George. And today, after six years of silence, he finally stood up and testified at the NAACP Convention in Washington. Now a lot of people assumed the president would get a chilly reception. Wrong. The NAACP embraced him. The man got huge applause. Take a look [on screen: Bush receiving applause after saying, 'I understand many African Americans distrust my political party']. Showered with love." --Stephen Colbert

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

On White House press secretary Tony Snow classifying civilian casualties as a lamentable side effect of war: "It's not murder, it's a lamentable side effect. The upset stomach and diarrhea of freedom, if you will." --Jon Stewart