I wasn't anywhere near that dude (pass the ball to Michael Jordan)

"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan." –Jimmy Fallon

At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. “I wasn't anywhere near that dude.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You'd make a much better Vice President (a hint of shame)

Since his U.N. ambassador resigned yesterday, Trump says he's narrowed down his list of replacements to five people. He was like, "It'll either be Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, or Kylie. Not saying who." Actually, Dennis Rodman went on Twitter and said that he should be the new U.N. ambassador. In response, Trump said, "That's ridiculous. You'd make a much better Vice President." --Jimmy Fallon

Get this -- a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. That's right. It has rocked the world of wine tasting. A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t know what the rules are anymore (Ain’t nobody got time for that)

“And you know, normally, I would agree that NBA players shouldn’t have to know the intricacies of East Asia policy, but at the same time, Dennis Rodman is basically the U.S. ambassador to North Korea, so I don’t know what the rules are anymore.” --Trevor Noah

“Yes, LeBron James is getting a lot of heat for not taking a stand against China and their oppression, with people even burning his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way, if the N.B.A. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah, yeah, Hong Kong burned his jersey, Cleveland burned his jersey, Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike: LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.” --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

“It really seems like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you he’s going to be outside his own impeachment trial just scalping tickets.” --Trevor Noah

“This might be the true genius of Donald Trump. Because you realize, with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day? Ain’t nobody got time for that.” --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That could explain his Secret Service codename, 'Kanye.' (pass the ball to Michael Jordan)

"Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, 'Kanye.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to…whatever is in there at this point." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

 

They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food (Where's my Nobel Prize?)

I saw that during a town hall in Miami this week, Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in both Spanish and English. And later that night, Donald Trump responded in both English and much, much louder English. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard about a new trend where people make marijuana-infused wine. They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out between Trump and Kim Jong-Un. People were like, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but — let’s give it a shot!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How can I get Canadian TV? (he's willing to take a crack at it)

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor (I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds)

In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds. –Jimmy Kimmel

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. And Rodman brought two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. (Biden was its architect)

The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. The kid who threw the winning touchdown pass is the backup quarterback. His name is Tua Tagovailoa, I believe. What a game he had. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school. --Jimmy Kimmel

The College Football National Championship game was last night. And President Donald Trump made an appearance. Now, after months of criticizing football players for taking knees, the president finally got the chance to stand for the national anthem. But some people noticed that Trump may not know all the words. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The adventures of the guy who just started paying attention (Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!)

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, “You lost my brother?!” –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan." –Jimmy Fallon

"British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote 'no' on leaving the U.K. He said, 'It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor (melted crayons and marmalade)

The president didn't get a subpoena today, at least not from Robert Mueller. He did get a fresh new lawsuit filed against him. The New York attorney general filed suit against Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. for persistently illegal conduct by the Trump Foundation, their charity organization. The suit alleges that the Trumps misused their nonprofit to pay business debts and campaign expenses, which is not allowed. The attorney general says Trump's kids were collecting money despite doing no discernible work for it — which, in fairness to them, that's what they do, that's their job. They collect money in exchange for being born. The board of directors for the charity hadn't even met in 19 years. Trump himself hadn't made a contribution to his own foundation, the Trump Foundation, in 10 years. Most foundations of this type are supported almost entirely by the person they're named after. It's important to remember, though, this foundation isn't the foundation he puts on his face every morning. That is made of melted crayons and marmalade. This is a different thing. --Jimmy Kimmel

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. And Rodman brought two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken (He's filling in for Dennis Rodman)

March 2014

"It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys." –David Letterman

"President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman 

"First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas (Usually he sends Dennis Rodman)

February 2014

"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is 'Vote for me and then vote again in two months.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, 'If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed (My God, this guy is a lunatic)

January 2014

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They'll get that birthrate up in no time (He seems like a pretty bouncy person)

January 2014

"Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie's chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iran is encouraging families to have more children to boost the population. They have a plan to give a gold coin to any family that has a baby. Maybe we should send Dennis Rodman and his squad of former NBA players straight from North Korea over there. They'll get that birthrate up in no time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

My God, this guy is a lunatic (Uh, yeah, it kind of is)

January 2014

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

They said if the election were held today he would actually beat Dolph Lundgren (the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy)

January 2014

"Actor Steven Seagal says that he is considering running for governor of Arizona. It’s looking pretty good. They said if the election were held today he would actually beat Dolph Lundgren." –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

"According to a new international survey, among Catholics Pope Francis has an approval rating of 88 percent. That is unless he comes out with FrancisCare. Then the whole thing could plummet." –Jay Leno

"There was a nuclear meltdown in North Korea today. But enough about Dennis Rodman." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes (That's how bad it's gotten)

September 2013

"You can see the effects of the government shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"It's hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"At the TSA, they're making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

"It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So that means I am back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment (pass the ball to Michael Jordan)

September 2013

"It's quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman

"The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He's driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There's your miracle, you know what I'm saying?" –David Letterman

"Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you reject Satan and all his evils? (Soup or salad?)

September 2013

"Dennis Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is "hungry. Not for players, for food." –Jimmy Kimmel

This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Seabiscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans." -- Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”