Experts expect it to be a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing (Robitussin it is)

Today was World No Alcohol Day. “Robitussin it is,” said Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

A referee in a professional soccer match in Brazil pulled a gun out during a game last week because he was tired of being treated poorly by players and coaches. And then out of habit, several players fell down and pretended they had been shot. –Seth Meyers

Oregon’s recreational marijuana shops began selling to the public today. Experts expect it to be a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour (taste like plumber)

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon is heading to Alabama to campaign for embattled candidate Roy Moore. It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour. –Conan O’Brien

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.” –Conan O’Brien

Two properties associated with Donald Trump have decided to remove his name from their building. Sadly, neither one is the White House. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don’t look one day over let’s change the subject (Well, good for you, sir!)

In other presidential news, aides for Joe Biden are reportedly worried about the president overextending himself at the age of 81 by “working long hours, or riding a bike, or nodding too hard, excessive blinking.” But Biden doesn’t see it that way. According to aides, the president frequently reports that he “feels so much younger than my age”. Well, good for you, sir! You don’t look one day over let’s change the subject. —Stephen Colbert

And despite being ordered by a Georgia court to pay a whopping $148 million to two election workers he defamed, Rudy Giuliani continued to repeat falsehoods about them outside the courthouse, on Newsmax and on Steve Bannon’s podcast. He says it everywhere he goes. He even said it to his current roommates, two seagulls on South Street Seaport. On Tuesday, the same election workers sued Giuliani again to permanently stop him from lying about them. Well, normally I would say don’t kick a man when he’s down, but in Rudy’s case, go for it! —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea (Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew)

While touring hurricane damage in North Carolina today, President Trump reportedly congratulated a resident on having a stranger's boat wash up in his yard, saying, "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal." Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore. Even though I'm assuming that's probably how you got Steve Bannon. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said during his address to the U.N. today that if North Korea continues working on its nuclear program, the U.S. will have "no choice but to totally destroy North Korea." Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea. –Seth Meyers

A farmer in India is claiming that he’s made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen. Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip (That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in)

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. –Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

So many democrats are running for president in 2020. It’s like the democratic party has been passing out a mirror that says, “2020: Why Not You?” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.” (then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey)

Florida firefighters yesterday rescued a man who was trapped inside a garbage truck. “Thank you!” yelled Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

The New Hampshire primary was today and in Dixville Notch, the first town to complete voting, Republican candidate John Kasich won, beating Donald Trump by just one vote. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.” –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey. –Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw (no one wants to see him in a thong)

January 2023

“All good things must come to an end. Kevin McCarthy was finally elected Speaker of the House early on Saturday morning, a time famous for good decisions. All right, we just elected a new speaker – I’m going to drunk-dial my ex and eat this week-old sushi.” —Stephen Colbert

“McCarthy eventually celebrated his victory with a pained grin and the speaker’s gavel, or showing his party what they get to spend the next two years repeatedly banging his nutsack with.” —Stephen Colbert

“Speaking to reporters, the new speaker tried to frame the dysfunction as a positive: ‘because it took this long, now we know how to govern’. Really? Just this last week you learned how to govern? There are some things you shouldn’t learn through trial and error at the last minute. That’s like a surgeon saying, ‘Well, it took me 15 tries to open my Capri-Sun, but this triple bypass should be a snap. Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There was an insurrection attempt in Brazil clearly modeled on January 6th in the US. Before this deja-coup, allies of the ousted Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro met with some of Trump’s advisers, including Steve Bannon. Oh no, Steve Bannon has gone Brazilian? Regular Steve Bannon was bad enough, no one wants to see him in a thong.” —Stephen Colbert

“Our graphics department did create an image of Steve Bannon in a thong, but the CBS lawyers told us that broadcasting it would violate the Geneva conventions.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, talk about Junk Mail (oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!)

Earlier this week Donald Trump received the endorsement of one of America's great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man's ear off on national television — and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done. –James Corden

A personalized greeting card company that allows you to upload your own photos, was forced to go on Twitter to plead with their customers to stop uploading pictures of their genitals. Greeting cards with people’s genitals on them? I mean, talk about Junk Mail. --James Corden

Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody. –James Corden

​​Trump was actually agreeing with the Democrats. They must have been suspicious of this. They must have been in the Oval Office, like, “This is easy. Maybe a bit TOO easy — oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s the spookiest Halloween ever – trick or treason, it’s a boo d’etat! (Privilege)

October 2022

“We cheered the House committee’s subpoena for Trump. And to make sure the former president reads the subpoena, it’s being printed on the wrapper of a Gordita Supreme.” —Stephen Colbert

“The committee’s evidence demonstrated that Trump and his associates were already planning to lie about the election results as early as October 31st. That’s the spookiest Halloween ever – trick or treason, it’s a boo d’etat!” —Stephen Colbert

“Such evidence included audio of Steve Bannon saying, on 31 October 2020: ‘And what Trump’s gonna do is he’s going to declare victory … he’s gonna sit right there and say they stole it … If Biden is winning, Trump is going to do some crazy shit.’ Usually when you hear someone lay out an evil plan that baldly, James Bond is strapped to a table with a laser pointed at his balls.” —Stephen Colbert

“Can you imagine Donald Trump complying with a subpoena from the January 6 committee? It will be fascinating to see what happens with the Trump subpoena, but it was definitely necessary. The reason why it’s so important to investigate the last coup attempt is because the next one is already under way.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Trump has been on the midterm campaign trail and bragged about the crowd size of the mob on January 6th. Trump’s out there, on camera, in front of a microphone bragging about the size of the crowd of an attempted violent coup for which he is under multiple criminal investigations currently. This is like if during his trial, O.J. was also doing ads for a leather apparel company with the slogan ‘When I do a hit, I like to wear gloves that fit.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania (This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves)

October 2022

“The House January 6th committee’s 10th and potentially final public hearing was on Thursday, which felt a lot like Game of Thrones coming back but instead of dragons roasting people alive, Liz Cheney was doing it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of the evidence in these hearings came from Trump’s inner circle. This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Among the evidence presented on Thursday was video testimony from former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson. According to Hutchinson, Donald Trump was well aware that he lost the 2020 election, telling chief of staff Mark Meadows: ‘I don’t want people to know we lost, Mark, this is embarrassing.’ Is that more embarrassing than continuing to say you won an election two years after you lost that election? Man, did his parents do a number on him.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The committee also presented audio of Trump aides Steve Bannon and Roger Stone baldly stating plans to discredit the election before the results were known. After seeing all this evidence, it’s crazy that the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing (Everyone loves baked salmon)

"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." –Seth Meyers

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after. [Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing." --Seth Meyers

Today was World No Alcohol Day. “Robitussin it is,” said Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He brought in another country for a menage-a-treason (Who believes in states’ rights now, byotch!)

September 2022

“There is a report that documents seized by the FBI at Mar-a-Lago included sensitive nuclear information pertaining to another country. So this time, the ex-president wasn’t just betraying our country. He brought in another country for a menage-a-treason.” —Stephen Colbert

“How do you explain this to our allies?” [As Trump]: ‘Don’t worry, prime minister, your country’s nuclear secrets are perfectly safe, stored at the Mar-a-Lago waffle bar, between the syrup and the Nutella bucket.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other Trump-adjacent news, former adviser Steve Bannon surrendered to authorities in New York following an investigation into his non-profit dedicated to privately constructing Trump’s promised border wall, called We Build The Wall. Spoiler alert: no they don’t. The matter was in state court in New York because the former president pardoned Bannon before federal prosecutors could bring the case to trial; presidential pardons only apply to federal charges and do not prohibit state prosecutions. Gotcha Steve! Who believes in states’ rights now, byotch!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The former president has been betrayed by his closest friend: TV (arbitrary, unjust concentrations of power)

July 2022

“We are celebrating the conviction of former Trump adviser Steve Bannon for contempt of Congress on Friday. Bannon, who had urged followers before his trial to ‘pray’ for his enemies, put up no defense and was found guilty of all charges. Evidently, Bannon was hoping to win in the court of public opinion. Unfortunately, his trial was held in the court of court.” —Stephen Colbert

“Bannon faces up to two years in federal prison, and was convicted after only three hours of deliberation, including a lunch break. It took them less time to convict him than it did to agree on calamari for the table. Reminds me of the classic film 12 Hangry Men.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other bad news for Trump, a New York Times poll found that nearly half of Republican voters are seeking someone different for president in 2024 and a significant number vowed to abandon him if he wins the nomination. So that means the hearings are working. The former president has been betrayed by his closest friend: TV.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This grown man running on his little gazelle legs? (Either way, we’ll be waiting with bated breath)

July 2022

“This was the final public hearing by the House January 6th select committee until September, which didn’t just expose the president for throwing a Trump tantrum, they also took a moment to reveal that a lot of the bravado that we’ve seen from far-right Republican lawmakers wasn’t exactly how they felt while the ‘patriots’ were ransacking the Capitol. In particular, the January 6th committee dragged the far-right Missouri senator Josh Hawley, who raised his fist in solidarity with the mob upon entering the Capitol and was later caught on tape running away from the attack. I’m sorry, but the January 6th committee should be ashamed of itself. They had no reason to show this. They just wanted to embarrass a senator of the United States. Why? Just because he ran away like a little bitch? Yeah he raised his fist and egged the crowd on, but is that a reason to show him pissing his pants on national television? Is it a crime to be crying and running away from the mob that you riled up? Oh, he’s such a bitch-ass. Let me tell you something! That bitch-ass thought the mob was going to kill him. Is that funny to you? This grown man running on his little gazelle legs?” —Trevor Noah

“So sadly, that’s it for season one of the January 6th hearings. But good news: it’s already renewed for season two, which drops in September. And like any good series, they’re leaving us with some major cliffhangers: will they find the Secret Service’s deleted text messages? Will Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger finally realize that the love they’ve been looking for has been right in front of them this whole time? Will we find out that Steve Bannon is the source of monkeypox? Either way, we’ll be waiting with bated breath.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which isn’t easy, because he excretes a thick layer of sebum (he just thought it was a big black doughnut!)

July 2022

“The criminal trial against Steve Bannon began on Tuesday, when prosecutors presented evidence that Donald Trump’s former aide never had the executive privilege he claimed kept him from complying with the investigation into the January 6th attack on the Capitol. I mean, wow, he really hung Bannon out to dry. Which isn’t easy, because he excretes a thick layer of sebum.” —Stephen Colbert

“Finally, Bannon can tell the former president’s side of the story. [Imitating Bannon] ‘Mr. Chairman, this is all a simple misunderstanding. The president didn’t mean to grab the steering wheel from the Secret Service — he just thought it was a big black doughnut!’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New phone, who dis? (Know Your Enemy)

July 2022

“In US news, the January 6th committee learned last week that the Secret Service erased text messages from 5 and 6 January 2021, after oversight officials asked them to be handed over. The justification for why the messages got erased has shifted several times, from ‘device replacement program’ to ‘pre-planned system migration’ and then ‘dog ate our phones’, ‘our phones are going through a tunnel’ and finally, ‘New phone, who dis?’” —Stephen Colbert

“Former Trump adviser Steve Bannon’s trial for contempt of Congress, which is set to begin this week after the recent completion of jury selection. I’m sorry, but even if you’ve never heard of Steve Bannon, how could you look at this guy and be fair and impartial. Even if I had no idea who he was, I’d take one look at him and assume, at best, he’d been arrested for stealing a seaplane in the Florida Keys or maybe illegally selling soft drinks on the sidewalk in Times Square.” —Seth Meyers

“Also, if you’re thinking to yourself ‘wasn’t Steve Bannon already arrested for a different crime?’ the answer is yes. He was charged with defrauding Trump supporters as part of a scam fundraiser to build the wall, and was arrested on a fugitive Chinese billionaire’s yacht by postal service cops before Trump pardoned him – yet another series of words that’s both insane and will be mostly forgotten to history because too much other crazy shit has happened.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Budget for a Better America: Finger Lickin’ Good. We Are Farmers. Bah Da Bah Bah Bah. I’m Lovin’ It (permission slips)

Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or . . . pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning. –Stephen Colbert

We know President Trump has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

Happy Budget Day! The president released his 2020 spending plan, which he’s calling “A Budget for a Better America: Promises Kept. Taxpayers First.” Okay, pick a slogan. Just One. That titles got a little junk in the trunk. But Trump overdoes everything. It’s always too much. Originally Trump wanted to call it: “A Budget for a Better America: Finger Lickin’ Good. We Are Farmers. Bah Da Bah Bah Bah. I’m Lovin’ It.” --Stephen Colbert

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’ (to make the rest of them seem normal)

April 2022

“Marjorie Taylor Greene, remember, she is the one who endorsed fringe conspiracy theories and repeatedly indicated support for executing prominent Democratic politicians. Now she’s dialing 911 because she got made fun of. She’s a snowflake and a sociopath at the same time — a ‘snowciopath.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And nobody does anything. I feel like maybe other Republicans like having her around to make the rest of them seem normal.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a House vote to hold Trump aides Peter Navarro and Dan Scavino in criminal contempt of Congress. They join two other former Trump White House officials held in criminal contempt, Steve Bannon and former chief of staff Mark Meadows. (Bannon has been indicted and is awaiting trial.) At this point, it’s easier to list the Trump aides who aren’t in legal trouble. The vote was not without disruption; Representative Greene, AKA ‘the are you for fucking real housewife of DC’, heckled Congressman Jamie Raskin as he was speaking, like a drunk aunt at a comedy show who thinks everyone’s there to see her.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks (Shocking things liberals believe)

According to reports, President Trump and some of his allies have raised the possibility that Rudy Giuliani should do fewer television interviews following his recent appearances. Replied Giuliani, "Those were televised?! --Seth Meyers

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent. –Seth Meyers

According to NBC News, special counsel Robert Mueller’s team is expected to interview former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon by the end of the month. They’d do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first. --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

A motorist in the UK was arrested yesterday after he crashed his car while swerving to avoid hitting an octopus he claimed to have seen in the road. Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day (Fake nudes!)

Law experts are saying that some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniels' nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have some lurid photos that were taken during their sexual encounters. Said Trump, "Fake nudes!" --Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

Florida firefighters yesterday rescued a man who was trapped inside a garbage truck. “Thank you!” yelled Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s. –Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”