I have to get back to you on this one (blue dress)

So, it's official. The UFC will host the first ever White House fight on July 4th. Yeah. It's the first violent beatdown to take place at the White House since Hillary discovered the blue dress. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile, the Democrats also want to participate. And so far, they've already suggested these bouts. Jasmine Crockett versus a book. Jerry Nadler versus soap. Rashida Tlaib versus a razor. And JB Pritzker versus a narrow hallway. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, you needed to see this today (the messiest scene in the Oval Office)

Last week Joy Behar accused Elon Musk of being pro-apartheid, but then begged him afterwards not to sue. Musk lawyers have yet to comment because they're still checking to see if it's legal to sue a cow. —Greg Gutfeld

So Friday Zelensky entered the White House in his military fatigues and left with a boot up his ass. If he would have insulted America any worse Jane Fonda would have banged him. But talk about a disaster. That may have been the messiest scene in the Oval Office since Bill Clinton used a blue dress for target practice. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Probably because Bill Clinton ruined her interview dress (because jackass was already taken)

According to the New York Post, Monica Lewinsky claims that after the Bill Clinton scandal she wasn't able to get a job. Probably because Bill Clinton ruined her interview dress. —Greg Gutfeld

Gavin Newsom has announced a new podcast, imaginably titled This Is Gavin Newsom, because jackass was already taken. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage (sweet, hot, post-debate love)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush was pretty blunt in his speech today, but at the end he managed to put a positive spin on things [on screen: Bush laughing after a series of negative things are said about the economy]. He has a special gift, and that is being able to see humor in everything. Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage." --Jimmy Kimmel

The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump's campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a "total and complete shutdown" of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends in the face. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that (making sweet, hot, post-debate love)

The government introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.' –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has been revealed that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t tell me how it ends. I’m only on Season 3. (more popular than ever)

September 2022

I know why you’re happy. You’re not in line to see a dead body. Jesus, watching the Queen’s funeral, but don’t tell me how it ends. I’m only on Season 3. —Bill Maher

Can we please get this lady buried? I’ve thrown out bread twice since she died. —Bill Maher

They take this Queen stuff seriously over there. Did you see that David Beckham stood in line for 13 hours? They asked him how he could do something so long and boring and he said, ‘I play soccer.’ —Bill Maher

But we had a death in this country too. Ken Starr passed away. He was the man who prosecuted Bill Clinton over his affair with Monica Lewinsky. But the jokes on him, because now that Roe versus Wade has been overturned blow jobs are more popular than ever. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery (The only thing I trust less than)

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart

"I'm not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha-style politics, where a politician's private sexual behavior is used against him. But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who came to prominence in the '90s demanding President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't (their banana bread is delicious, to die for)

"I'm not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha-style politics,

where a politician's private sexual behavior is used against

him. But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator

David Vitter, who came to prominence in the '90s demanding

President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky

affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last

week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated

in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old

saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator

sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart

"He was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised.

He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers

and candy." --David Letterman, on Cheney throwing

out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener

"Well President Bush was everywhere this week, wasn't he?

He doesn't give a press conference for three years and now

we can't get him to shut-up. And, of course, he was blaming

the troubles in Iraq on the media, saying 'they're not reporting

the good news.' Maybe that's true. For example, today in

Baghdad, it was widely reported that gunmen killed four

workers in a bakery. But no one mentioned that their banana

bread is delicious, to die for." --Bill Maher

"Apparently President Charles In Charge (Bush) did not know

about this whole thing until the story broke in the newspapers.

You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was asleep at the

switch. At least he knew there was a switch." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can literally not contain myself (How sad is that?)

May 2013

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky. Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher 

“For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher

"They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking gun. How sad is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your money or your life (it turns out he's just a regular guy like you and me)

September 2012

"Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?" –Jay Leno

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno

"Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he's just a regular guy like you and me." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My biggest fear about becoming a Zombie (He puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.')

January 2012

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When Ukraines, it pours (It’s all bad men)

“Who would believe Volodymyr Zelensky would be his Monica Lewinsky?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he wants to admit he colluded with a foreign power — he’s proud of it. He doesn’t understand what all the commotion is about. He would do it again. He’s Jack Nicholson in ‘A Few Good Men,’ although in this story, there are no good men. It’s all bad men.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“He’s right, it was pretty great. It was a perfect phone call. Pleasantries were exchanged. Friendships were built. Crimes were committed. I have no notes. I give him five stars.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“When Ukraines, it pours.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dressing up like a condor and using a sharpened stone to remove a living man's heart? Si. (you're the best adulterer we've got)

"Apparently, while Newt [Gingrich] was leading the Clinton impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he himself was having an extramarital affair. Now there's a huge cry from the left about Newt's so-called hypocrisy, but the former Speaker explains how that is actually a positive [on screen: Gingrich saying, 'I drew the line in my mind that said even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, I have no choice but to move forward']. You see, it's very easy to condemn another man's dalliances when you're faithful to your own wife. But to be a hypocrite and still do it, that takes courage. So Newt, if you are running for president, you have my blessing ... because I still won't vote for a Mormon, and you're the best adulterer we've got." --Stephen Colbert

"In Guatemala, Mayan priests are set to perform an ancient cleansing ritual to rid the air of whatever Bush left behind. Mayan priests -- the ones who in the old days used to kill and eat the virgin's heart. So let's recap what the Mayan priest basically is saying: Dressing up like a condor and using a sharpened stone to remove a living man's heart? Si. Protective corn tariffs? Unclean." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Newt says you can't compare the two affairs because his woman was really hot (But you die...)

"The mainstream media is having a conniption over the revelation that eight U.S. attorneys were fired by the Bush administration last year. Big whoop! I thought everyone in Washington wanted to spend more time with their families anyway." --Stephen Colbert

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has admitted that he was having an extramarital affair back in 1998, at the same time he was the leading critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky. But Newt says you can't compare the two affairs because his woman was really hot." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if there’s anything America is not going to stand for, it’s less cake (What I DO owe her is a new dress)

In an interview today, former President Bill Clinton said that he does not owe Monica Lewinsky an apology. Clinton said, “What I DO owe her is a new dress.” --Conan O’Brien

Kim Jong Un said he wants to open a McDonald’s in North Korea. Which may explain why the summit with President Trump is suddenly back on. --Conan O’Brien

The Supreme Court ruled that a baker in Colorado can refuse to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds. Ladies and gentlemen, in my opinion, if there’s anything America is not going to stand for, it’s less cake. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot (a maniacal extremist)

"How about that Osama bin Laden? He's got another one of those videos. This is really creepy stuff. He is a maniacal extremist, he's full of threats, there's a lot of ranting. No, wait a minute. That's Rosie O'Donnell's blog." --David Letterman

"I'm not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha-style politics, where a politician's private sexual behavior is used against him. But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who came to prominence in the '90s demanding President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I LIKE where this is going (Worth every penny)

A lot of people are fed up with Donald Trump, but one man has decided to do something about it. A protester in Washington, D.C., has installed a giant inflatable chicken with Trump hair directly behind the White House. The inflatable chicken cost $1,300. Or another way to put that: Worth every penny. –James Corden

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.

It’s been a rough few days for President Trump, and this week it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused. He said, “How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: I plan to eat most of you by November (How furious would Oprah be?)

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

 "Ted Kennedy is here. He's in East L.A. this morning campaigning for Obama. Apparently, I'm not kidding, Ted Kennedy is very popular in the Latino community, and here's why [on screen: Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) speaking in Spanish]. My Spanish is not perfect, but I believe in English that translates to 'I am fat and I plan to eat most of you by November.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

 "I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays." --Jimmy Kimmel

Relative weight of various lies (time travelers)

We are just three days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not. –Stephen Colbert

So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election. –Stephen Colbert