Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw (no one wants to see him in a thong)

January 2023

“All good things must come to an end. Kevin McCarthy was finally elected Speaker of the House early on Saturday morning, a time famous for good decisions. All right, we just elected a new speaker – I’m going to drunk-dial my ex and eat this week-old sushi.” —Stephen Colbert

“McCarthy eventually celebrated his victory with a pained grin and the speaker’s gavel, or showing his party what they get to spend the next two years repeatedly banging his nutsack with.” —Stephen Colbert

“Speaking to reporters, the new speaker tried to frame the dysfunction as a positive: ‘because it took this long, now we know how to govern’. Really? Just this last week you learned how to govern? There are some things you shouldn’t learn through trial and error at the last minute. That’s like a surgeon saying, ‘Well, it took me 15 tries to open my Capri-Sun, but this triple bypass should be a snap. Now, where’s the piece of foil on your chest where I poke the straw.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There was an insurrection attempt in Brazil clearly modeled on January 6th in the US. Before this deja-coup, allies of the ousted Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro met with some of Trump’s advisers, including Steve Bannon. Oh no, Steve Bannon has gone Brazilian? Regular Steve Bannon was bad enough, no one wants to see him in a thong.” —Stephen Colbert

“Our graphics department did create an image of Steve Bannon in a thong, but the CBS lawyers told us that broadcasting it would violate the Geneva conventions.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery (The only thing I trust less than)

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart

"I'm not a fan of personal vendetta gotcha-style politics, where a politician's private sexual behavior is used against him. But there can be exceptions. Take Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who came to prominence in the '90s demanding President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. It kinda reminds me of the old saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Somehow this is all your fault (the same deal as the cast of Friends)

In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this a top Republican said Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay. --Conan O’Brien 5/12/2004

Today defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld, there's a cheery fellow, now Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva Convention on prisoners rights applies in Iraq but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay.  --Conan O’Brien 5/12/2004

I got some television news this week. The miniseries Jesus became one of the first shows ever to beat an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It's a big deal in television. And immediately afterwards Jesus renegotiated his contract and demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm the Decider, and I say they're enemy combatants (intergalactic freak show)

Following a contentious week of hearings, the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has hit a major snag due to a recent sexual misconduct allegation. In an interview over the weekend, one Republican senator criticized the confirmation process as "an intergalactic freak show." Trump supporters then immediately complained that intergalactic freaks are coming over here illegally and stealing all our shows. An intergalactic freak show. I like to think that billions of light years away, an emperor of some alien galaxy is really offended that someone just compared him to Brett Kavanaugh. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (karma)

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart 

because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on

"We all know about the big dust-up between President Bush and the Senate leadership over his wanting to change the Geneva Conventions, right? Well, on Thursday, they reached a compromise. That's not just a victory for Bush, it's a victory for the country because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on." --Stephen Colbert

"You see, his opponents were a group of rebels within the Republican Party -- John McCain, Lindsey Graham and John Warner -- who stood up and said, 'No' to the president's plan. Meanwhile, the Democrats also stood up and said, 'We're just going to wait over here. You tell us when you're done'." --Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday Pope Benedict was severely criticized for his anti-Muslim remarks by 1970's singer Cat Stevens. So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg." --Conan O'Brien