Finally, a chance to regift this goat (what you really really want)

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping this weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. Then the sharks said, “Cool, they already took the wrappers off these.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

UK radio stations have censored the word ‘yellow’ (non-monogamous relationships)

UK radio stations have censored the word ‘yellow’ from a 1997 song by the Spice Girls for fears it might sound racist, but they reassured fans that they can still call the black girl Scary. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study non-monogamous relationships are now are just as satisfying as monogamous ones. The lead researcher from that study, Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts (I have No Idea what I'm doing)

September 2022

“Queen Elizabeth II, Britain’s longest-serving monarch, has died at the age of 96. To put it into perspective for Americans, this would be like if Kris Jenner died here. The queen is known as England’s rock, and we don’t have a rock here. The closest thing we have to a rock in America is The Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When you think of all the people that the Queen has met with over the last 70 years, it’s really remarkable. She’s met everyone from Lady Bird Johnson to Lady Gaga, from Bill Clinton to Will.i.am, she met JFK and JLo, she’s met the Beatles and the Spice Girls, she’s met the Iron Lady and the Iron Throne.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you’ve gotta admit, it’s insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she’s seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that and then saw Robert Pattinson as Batman. In other words, she’s been in the game for a minute.” —Trevor Noah

“Elizabeth’s son Charles is now king at 73 years old, and until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. The world wasn’t made for an old prince. I can tell you now, there is no one in a Disney movie who’s like ‘someday my prince will come, and he’ll wear orthopedic shoes and eat cottage cheese for meals.’ Charles is so old, he’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But republicans aren’t worried, because they have a history of not believing women (That's pre-Posh-terous)

CNN just released new numbers on their generic ballot, where women favor democrats 62% to 35%. But republicans aren’t worried, because they have a history of not believing women. --Stephen Colbert

Many states are seeing a massive voter turnout. For instance, Florida has seen a huge increase in young voters. Although to be fair, in Florida a young voter is anyone under 75. --James Corden

Some huge news from my homeland, the Spice Girls have announced that they will be reuniting for their first tour in a decade. But the surprising and very sad news is that Victoria Beckham will not join the tour due to prior business commitments. I know. The Spice Girls without Victoria Beckham? That's pre-Posh-terous. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

29 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes (rocket fuel)

President Trump had a very good day. He’s very proud – Republicans finally passed his tax bill which means Trump’s about to sign his first major piece of legislation. Yep, his chest was puffed out so far his tie was actually at a normal length. “Wow! It’s actually at my waist!” –Jimmy Fallon

But Trump was very happy. He said “we are now pouring rocket fuel into the engine of our economy.” And if you've ever poured rocket fuel into a regular engine, you know it ruins the engine. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s been a lot of criticism. I read that only 24 percent of Americans think the GOP tax plan is “good.” To put that in perspective, The Spice Girls movie got a 29 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes. –Jimmy Fallon

      

A magisterial collection. An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984. http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch (Great Pumpkin of WMDs)

On the formula for allocating Homeland Security anti-terror grants: "It's believed to be the total population of your city divided by square mileage times Baptists over synagogues divided by the square root of the number of Waffle Houses over swimming holes. All that times the ratio of guns to Spanish language radio stations times zero. Plus, whether or not where you live voted for Bush. To most Americans, New York isn't even in America. It's more like part of 'Gayjewistan.' If you want to truly preserve the iconic American community, you have to throw money at a certain small town -- a place where everyone knows their neighbor, where you can leave your doors unlocked without fear, where hard work and traditional values are all that stands between you and a better life. It doesn't exist, but it just got $500 million from Michael Chertoff." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Good news -- the price of gasoline continues to fall. It's dropped 15 cents over the last two weeks. Gas prices have dropped so much that Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch." --Jay Leno

"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien

he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls (snakes on a plane)

"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien

"Today President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack. Then he went back on vacation. I don't think President Bush really understands the severity of this situation. Like when they first told Bush about the terrorist plot against the airlines, he said, 'Let me guess, snakes on a plane?'" --Jay Leno

"Officials say these terrorists targeted United, American and Continental Airlines. You know what that means? Even terrorists won't fly Southwest." --Jay Leno

 

it's like the Spice Girls

A baby was born in India to what is believed to be the world's oldest mother. She's 72 years old, and her husband is 79 years old. They said they've wanted a baby for many years but they wanted to all be in diapers at the same time. –Jimmy Kimmel

Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people, Bernie Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin' Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it's like the Spice Girls. –Jimmy Kimmel