He has a thing for the help (Brazilian wax)

So Kamala Harris went for a drink at a New York City bar taking a slew of bodyguards including Secret Service along with her. Why so many agents? Well there was one to protect Kamala and ten to keep Doug from impregnating the staff. He has a thing for the help. Who doesn’t? —Greg Gutfeld

The suspect accused of plotting to kill fans at Lady Gaga's concert in Rio de Janeiro was an illegal that was just deported from the United States. Upon hearing the news Senator Van Hollen immediately flew there to personally give him a Brazilian wax. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant (a fair and Speedo trial)

After lying to Rio police, Ryan Lochte has been summoned to Rio to testify. In accordance with the Brazilian Constitution, he has the right to a fair and Speedo trial. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, after winning three gold medals in Rio, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. Here's how fast Bolt is: The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

There are rumors that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has signed a deal to appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." It'll be nice for Lochte to have three people judging him instead of the whole country. –James Corden

So, boys, next time somebody says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for. –Stephen Colbert

Today, Ryan Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial. –Stephen Colbert

They'd jump off the building, but they're afraid they'd see the word "Trump" on the way down

The Olympic torch arrived in Rio today in preparation for Friday's opening ceremony. And the cool thing about Rio is, if the torch runs out of fuel you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite. –Seth Meyers

It looks like all the controversies are taking their toll, with reports that Trump's campaign staff feel like they are wasting their time and that Trump's staff is suicidal. They'd jump off the building, but they're afraid they'd see the word "Trump" on the way down. –Stephen Colbert

A CNN reporter spoke to one of Trump's donors, who said, "Unfortunately, I set up a recurring political contribution on Donald Trump's website, and there's no place on the website to stop the recurring payment." Oops! Supporting Trump is like joining a gym, only it's democracy that isn't working out.  –Stephen Colbert

the president blew out the candles on his vegan, whole-grain, carrot prune loaf

Sanitation is a big problem right now. The Olympic village is giving away thousands of condoms for the athletes to wear over their heads for the swimming events. –Jimmy Kimmel

Surfing and skateboarding will make history for the Olympics in 2020, in that these will be the first sports in which athletes will be tested to make sure they are doping. –Jimmy Kimmel

I want to wish a happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 55 today. Big celebration at the White House. The White House staff sang to him. Then the president blew out the candles on his vegan, whole-grain, carrot prune loaf. –Jimmy Kimmel

when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing (on top of another person)

But in the athletes' defense, the accommodations in Rio are so bad, the cleanest place to sleep is on top of another person. –James Corden

According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. I know, like, wait, you're telling me that the people running around trying to catch Pokémon aren't getting [any action]? Shocking! I'm shocked. –James Corden

You know, there have been major electrical and plumbing issues in Rio. One athlete from Kenya wrote, "Please fix my toilet" on a bulletin board in the Olympic village. And you know, when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing, I think that's what they refer to as a wake-up call. –Jimmy Kimmel

Or as Brazilians call that, "A weekend." (miss out on all the sex)

I saw that Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega has picked his wife to run as his vice presidential candidate. Then Bill and Hillary looked at each other for a second and went, "Nah, nah." –Jimmy Fallon

Apparently, the conditions in Rio are so bad that the U.S. basketball team has opted against staying in the Olympic village dorms, and is instead staying on a cruise ship that they've docked in the harbor. Now, I understand not wanting to stay in the Olympic village, but why would you switch to a cruise ship? You basically traded a diarrhea city for a floating diarrhea city. –James Corden

With the basketball players not being in the Olympic village, it means they're going to miss out on all the sex. Because I don't know if you've heard this but the Olympic committee announced they'll be handing out 350,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube. Or as Brazilians call that, "A weekend." –James Corden

Don't worry, the giant snakes will eat them (150-pound rodents)

The golf tournament at the Rio Olympics will be played on a course that is apparently infested with 150-pound rodents. The official said, “Don't worry, the giant snakes will eat them. So don't worry about them. Golf away, enjoy yourself.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Danish government donated a giant Lego model of Rio for the games — and this is very interesting, the Lego buildings are slightly safer than the actual buildings at the Olympics. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won't remember to vote. –Jimmy Fallon

Oh no, which two?! (you don't breathe in the air. That's even worse)

It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. “Oh no, which two?!” yelled Eric and Donald Jr. –Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden yesterday performed a same-sex wedding for a pair of longtime White House staffers. Said the staffers, “But we’re just friends!” –Seth Meyers

Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, "Oh, no, don't — you don't breathe in the air. That's even worse." –Jimmy Fallon

It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump (swim above the water)

Doctors are telling the Rio athletes competing in water sports not to put their heads under water to avoid getting sick. So remember, if you're swimming at the Olympics, swim above the water. –Jimmy Fallon

Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, "Oh, no, don't — you don't breathe in the air. That's even worse." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, "Get the baby out of here." It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she's going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn't show, she's changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself. –Jimmy Fallon

because of how much he resembles Russian dressing (Olympic doggie paddle)

A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing. –Stephen Colbert

This entire campaign, Trump's made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. It's the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only Trump would never be seen with an older woman. –Stephen Colbert

The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle. –Stephen Colbert

or as it's technically called, "wanting it more" (three-second 100-meter dash)

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

It's alleged that almost 100 athletes are suspected of using banned substances in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics. And they suspect many athletes this year, too, because anyone who wants to go to the Rio Olympics has to be on drugs. –James Corden

Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it's technically called, "wanting it more." –James Corden

At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What's more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash. –James Corden

We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south

There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left, period. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them. –Jimmy Fallon

The summer Olympics start this Friday, and I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called “The Getaway,” which will act as a floating hotel. 'Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. “You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south.” –Jimmy Fallon

Man, I wish (sadistic nurse)

The mayor of Rio is pleading with Nintendo to release Pokémon Go in Brazil just in time for the Olympics. He’s even introduced Rio’s own Pokémon character, "Zikachu." –Conan O’Brien

According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, "Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.” –Conan O’Brien

Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a "sadistic nurse." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Man, I wish." –Conan O’Brien

my lack of a life flashed before my eyes (Oh, you will)

We are just a few weeks from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things. –Jimmy Fallon

The guy is going to be OK, but in California, a man playing Pokémon Go was stabbed. The man said, "It was terrifying, my lack of a life flashed before my eyes." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "Oh, you will." –Conan O’Brien

I didn’t know she gave speeches (fiscal conservatives)

Snoop Dogg was recently a contestant on "Family Feud" and he did not get the top answer about marijuana. Snoop was shocked to get it wrong, and shocked to learn he was a contestant on "Family Feud." –Conan O’Brien

It’s been found that one of Saturn’s moons has an atmosphere somewhat like Earth’s, except you can’t breathe the air, drink the water, or survive the surface temperature. Yet, still a better venue for the Summer Olympics than Rio. –Conan O’Brien

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics! (strategery)

There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four days. –Stephen Colbert

Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe. –Stephen Colbert

Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!" –Stephen Colbert

This was a little controversial (Sources say LeBron James...)

Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered — and will make a great running mate. –Jimmy Fallon

This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don’t always mean it when they say they’ll love each other forever. And that’s the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech. –Jimmy Fallon

Sources say LeBron James might skip the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. You know Rio is in bad shape when you’d rather spend the summer in Cleveland. –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live