And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward (his first visit to a war zone)

In an interview with Fox News, Donald Trump said that he's planning his first visit to a war zone. Troops were glad to hear that until they realized he was talking about Walmart on Black Friday. --Jimmy Fallon

“Today in New York, New York issued the first licenses to open marijuana dispensaries. And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

being governed by your inferiors (or, as that's also known, prom)

And get this -- I heard NBC is going to have four hours of coverage before the Kentucky Derby race. Yeah, four hours leading up to two exciting minutes, or, as that's also known, prom. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on “Good Morning America,” Joe Biden said he is “confident” that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, “Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now who can't drive the car? (the price good men pay)

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien May 2011

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?" –Conan O’Brien

HBO has hinted that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will include many, many deaths. In fact, HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the original name for Honey Smacks (the real tragedy of life)

Amazon Prime has launched a new tool that will use AI to dub movies into English, from foreign languages like Spanish, Korean, and Sylvester Stallone. —Michael Che

Plastic surgeons are saying that a growing number of women are having labia puff surgery on their vaginas. And fun fact Labia Puffs was also the original name for Honey Smacks. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t worry — you’ll know people (Four more years!)

“Former President Trump has been found guilty on all 34 charges in his criminal hush money trial and faces up to four years in prison. Well, for what it’s worth, all your friends are already there, you know? It’s like what my wife tells me on our way to a dinner party: ‘Don’t worry — you’ll know people.’” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he’s sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years!’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States (Silence)

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion (Take that, moon landing)

"This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing." –Craig Ferguson
 

"I was going to watch the Super Bowl at the Late-Night Hosts Clubhouse. But last year Jay Leno was looking for something to cut the cake, and Conan said, “Why don’t you use the knife you stuck in my back?” Awkward. So I just watched at home this year." –Craig Ferguson

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet (The Learnifying Channel)

"Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin's new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for 'The Learnifying Channel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, 'Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'"–Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Price of Apathy Towards Public Affairs (Vladimir Putin's smile)

Breaking story from the New York Times. The FBI was investigating whether Trump was working for the Russians. I mean, what tipped them off? Was it Trump's secret meeting with the Russians in the Oval Office, his son's secret meeting with Russians in Trump Tower, his lawyer's secret deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, Jeff Session's secret meeting with the Russian ambassador, Jared Kushner's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Michael Flynn's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Erik Prince's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Paul Manafort sharing secret polling data with the Russians, his foreign policy advisor's secret meeting with the Russians, the Russian hackers who helped Trump win, Trump asking the Russian hackers to help him win, or Vladimir Putin's smile every time he sees Trump? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans (The Price of Apathy)

"Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”