Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad (he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’)

On Sunday night’s Grammy awards, Taylor Swift won her record-breaking fourth album of the year award and surprise-announced a new album, The Tortured Poets Department, due out in April. Coincidentally, ‘Tortured Poets Department’? Also a rejected title for the movie Dead Poets Society along with Bad School, Good Teacher and Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad. —Stephen Colbert

President Biden allegedly called Donald Trump a “sick fuck” who delights in others’ misfortune. To which Trump objected, ‘I’m not sick, doctors are always coming up to me,’ said Colbert, imitating the former president. These doctors, big doctors, tears in their eyes, big guys, strong doctors. Doctors who never cry, I’m talking about lumberjack, football-playing doctors. And they say sir, sir, you’re the healthiest fuck I’ve ever seen.’ As for Trump’s claim that he looks like Elvis – Look, I don’t care for the guy, you know that, but I do think Donald Trump does look like Elvis … if you dug up Elvis now. They have a lot in common. In Trump’s high school yearbook, he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope he doesn't bring bin Laden back to life (positive performance mark)

Donald Trump’s positive performance mark is now down to 35 percent. Only about a third of Americans polled say they’re happy with his job performance. Sixty-six percent say they don’t think he’s level-headed. In his defense, how is his head supposed to stay level when his hair keeps trying to chase every squirrel? –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump has decided to do away with what's known as the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals — DACA, they call it. It's a program that gives undocumented immigrants whose parents brought them into the country when they were children the chance to work and go to school legally. And this is what he wants to do away with. Mostly because President Obama's the one who ordered it. It seems like his main agenda is just to undo everything Obama did. I hope he doesn't bring bin Laden back to life. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now (would an asteroid really make your life any worse?)

October 2013

"The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who AREN'T federal workers put it, 'I'm a federal worker.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Because the government doesn't have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you're someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid's coming – would an asteroid really make your life any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Young Turks: Third Way SABOTAGED By Koch Money

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net (Trump's New Tax Plan)

A lot of people aren’t getting the tax refunds they were expecting. Most people thought the big Trump Tax Cut was going to cut taxes. The reason it was called the Trump Tax Cuts is that it cuts taxes for Trump. The average refund is down by 8% across the board. Many of those who voted for Trump came up with a hashtag GOPTaxScam. Some people are saying their refunds are so tiny, they even fit in Donald Trump’s hand. --Jimmy Kimmel

Congress proposed a budget for the wall and it’s less than a quarter of what Trump wanted. Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net. --James Corden

The president had a rally in El Paso featuring an exciting new slogan. Finish the wall. Now he wants Finland to pay for the wall? --Jimmy Kimmel

Did you see Donald Trump, Jr. at the rally in El Paso last night? That apple doesn’t fall far from the orange, I guess. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

General Tso, I love your chicken (So finally some good news)

"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news." --David Letterman

"President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button." --David Letterman

"Bush is committed to one thing, he's going to disarm Iran, he's going to disarm Korea, and he's going to disarm Cheney." --David Letterman

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey! Uh, Vlad. I hate to bring this up... (a walk-in Gulag, and an open-concept tiger pit)

During the presidential campaign, the Trump organization planned to give Vladimir Putin a $50 Million penthouse. But it’s only fair. After all, Putin gave Trump a White House. Now $50 Million sounds like a lot. But this place was move-in, dictator ready. Just look at the plans. It had four bedrooms, three baths, eight holding cells, a walk-in Gulag, and an open-concept tiger pit. 

The plan was to give the penthouse to Putin in order to entice other wealthy buyers to purchase their own. All the oligarchs would line up to live in the same building as Putin? Really? Putin doesn’t seem like a great neighbor. “Hey! Uh, Vlad. I hate to bring this up, but I keep hearing sounds of screaming and begging at night, and the condo board agreed you can’t torture after 11:00 pm.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But republicans aren’t worried, because they have a history of not believing women (That's pre-Posh-terous)

CNN just released new numbers on their generic ballot, where women favor democrats 62% to 35%. But republicans aren’t worried, because they have a history of not believing women. --Stephen Colbert

Many states are seeing a massive voter turnout. For instance, Florida has seen a huge increase in young voters. Although to be fair, in Florida a young voter is anyone under 75. --James Corden

Some huge news from my homeland, the Spice Girls have announced that they will be reuniting for their first tour in a decade. But the surprising and very sad news is that Victoria Beckham will not join the tour due to prior business commitments. I know. The Spice Girls without Victoria Beckham? That's pre-Posh-terous. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” (What is start drinking at noon?)

The new “Mission: Impossible” won the box office this weekend, bringing in over $60 million. They’ve already come up with the plot for the next “Mission: Impossible” — getting Rudy Giuliani to stop talking. --Jimmy Fallon

Giuliani has been doing lots of interviews trying to defend President Trump with the Russia investigation. Today he said that collusion isn’t illegal. Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” --Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage (working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning)

Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage. --Seth Meyers

Scientists in Canada are working to create the world's first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they've been working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning. --Seth Meyers

According to Fox News, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, is being paid $250,000 to join the cast of MTV’s "Teen Mom." You hear that, teens? Having a baby pays! --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate (this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon)

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

middle-class hero Marie Antoinette (Let them eat Ding Dongs)

He got a little razzing for this tweet, so he pulled it. But he didn't pull this one: "These @TaxReform ‘crumbs’ are really starting to add up. After the tax overhaul, Hostess employees will (literally) get a sweet treat." Because "once a week, employees will be able to take home a multipack of the 'product of the week.'" That's good news, summed up by middle-class hero Marie Antoinette, who famously declared, "Let them eat Ding Dongs." --Stephen Colbert

It's interesting that Paul Ryan would boast about someone making an extra buck-fifty a week, seeing as how others are bringing home significantly more bacon. For example, "Just 13 days after the tax law was passed, the Koch family donated nearly $500,000 to Ryan's fundraising committee." Oh, I would like to kick him in the ding dongs! --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Right after I get my present, you’re fired (I can’t be associated with this)

Trump lashed out at British Prime Minister Theresa May on Twitter, but he actually tagged the wrong Theresa May. When he heard that he sent an embarrassing tweet, he said, “You’re going to have to be way more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

It came out that Trump wants to replace Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. He decided not to when he heard Tillerson was his Secret Santa. “Right after I get my present, you’re fired.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jerry Springer says he won’t run for governor of Ohio next year. You know politics has gotten messy when Jerry Springer’s like, “I can’t be associated with this.” –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Under Trump's New Tax Plan (if all of them were Fredo)

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr." –Conan O’Brien

Today was one of those days I woke up, I cracked my neck, I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and I thought, "Boy, am I glad I'm not Donald Trump Jr." I have that thought about three times a week, but today I said it out loud. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Democracy Now!: Lee Fang on Koch Brothers' Demand For Obamacare Repeal & Lobbyists Flourishing Under Trump

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Koch Brothers Launch Holy War Against Pope Francis

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Koch Brothers Launch Holy War Against Pope Francis

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html