If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” (There goes our Christmas plans)

Over the weekend, Donald Trump joined dozens of other world leaders in France to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. Just to be safe, Trump brought a note from his doctor saying he absolutely couldn’t fight. --James Corden

There’s a new Christmas toy being advertised on Fox News. It’s Trumpy Bear! It’s pretty realistic. If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” --James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (the pilates studio where Hitler was born)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He told him he'd bring him back a boomerang (Never travel with this guy)

 

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band (If Moses had a Smartphone)

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be

tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes

our Christmas plans. –James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant,

which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be

“the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

Today was the opening game of the World Series at Dodger Stadium, and it was one of the hottest on record, with temperatures around 97 degrees. That’s so hot. If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday (Whoomp! There It Is)

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush arrived in Austria for a summit yesterday. Bush was greeted by protestors banging drums and blowing whistles. There was an awkward moment when the president asked the protestors to play 'Whoomp! There It Is.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I can’t be associated with this freak show (Don't Rush Them)

This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled “The circus wants the circus back,” because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a “circus,” saying it casts a negative light on their profession. You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, “I can’t be associated with this freak show. –James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. Austria said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did you bring a kangaroo? (I've forgotten who ties up whom)

We’re now a week away from the Super Tuesday primaries and Ben Carson’s so excited he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night. –Seth Meyers

According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and "kissing as if nobody else existed." Meyers as Trump, "That was Melania?" --Seth Meyers

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to. –Seth Meyers

President Trump met today with the chancellor of Austria. Meyers as Trump, "Did you bring a kangaroo?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I LIKE where this is going (There goes our Christmas plans)

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going. –James Corden

Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, "Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I'm going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn." –James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty (all the pages are blank)

July 2014

"At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1. Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals." –David Letterman 

"Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning." –Seth Meyers 

"According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? (Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them?)

 

"At the end of this month, the city of Vienna, Austria, will be holding a divorce fair where people can get information on how to get a divorce. I believe the keynote speaker will be Rudy Giuliani, followed by a concert by Paul McCartney." --Jay Leno

"Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don't think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, 'Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them.'" --Jay Leno

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman." --Jay Leno

"Senator Vitter is denying this woman's allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I've gotta go with the hooker." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only six of those were stolen by Putin (Mr. Blue No Matter Who)

February 2014

"Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good." –David Letterman 

"This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own." –David Letterman

"Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job." –David Letterman 

"In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi." –David Letterman

"Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages (Free Assange)

February 2014

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson

"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson

"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's why it's a million pages long (Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.')

October 2012

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long." –Craig Ferguson

"The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English." –Craig Ferguson

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Talk about a rush to judgment (hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos)

July 2011

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild (Egypt's new leader, President Betty White)

June 2011

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild." –Conan O'Brien

"John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He said, 'Of course, I'm also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White." –Conan O'Brien

"You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord (down the street from the Pakistani military academy)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno

"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare." -Jay Leno

"There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I mean – when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical chord – you'd think that would be a sign." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times (the new safety regulations)

"California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration had lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times." –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The highest activity a human being can attain is.. (Did you bring a kangaroo?)

The Bernie Sanders campaign has announced that in the first 12 hours after launching his presidential bid, Sanders raised more than $4 million in donations, which is great for Sanders. Great for Sanders, but terrible for the guy behind him at Coin Star. --Seth Meyers

President Trump met today with the chancellor of Austria. Meyers as Trump, "Did you bring a kangaroo?" --Seth Meyers

State officials in New York have approved a new plan that will surround part of Staten Island with a 5.3-mile-long seawall to protect it from flooding and to protect the rest of New York from Staten Island. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And just for fun, he shot a koala bear (conspiracy theories and outright fabrication)

"Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is -- when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor." --Jay Leno

"Today in Japan, the vice president made a visit to the USS Kitty Hawk. As the vice president boarded the ship, he was given with a 19-gun salute. And then two Navy sailors were injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was in Japan. He stepped off the airplane in Tokyo and flashed that winning sneer. Right now he's in Australia. And just for fun, he shot a koala bear." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's like Iraq all over again (slightly-inbred golden retriever)

"President Bush had a big day of dumbness yesterday. He was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC summit. That's a gathering of 21 countries that are responsible for half the world's trade, and he started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC summit, which is an entirely different thing. Then he called Australians Austrians, at the end of the speech he went the wrong way and almost fell off the stage, somebody had to grab him. It was really a banner day for the president. With Karl Rove gone, the president is like a slightly-inbred golden retriever that slipped off it's leash." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well at the big summit meeting in Australia, Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australian troops Austrian troops, and then left the stage the wrong way. So he's given the wrong information when he got there, he stumbled when he was there, and couldn't figure out how to leave. It's like Iraq all over again." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans