Have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? (odds of being hit by an asteroid)

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? –Jimmy Kimmel

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders canceled rallies on Tuesday because of the coronavirus, but President Trump said he would continue on as normal, which is a first.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave (Use your teeth)

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Establishing relationships with friendly foreign leaders is important for Trump right now, because he needs to build a network of countries he can flee to when the time comes. --Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump met at the White House today with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, Prince Mohammed bin Salman. They call him MBS for short. For real. Trump actually prepared for this meeting. His aides say he watched almost all of the movie "Aladdin" to get ready for it. --Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, congratulations to Trump’s BFF Vladimir Putin, who was elected yesterday for his fourth term as president of Russia. He won in a landslide. His opponents coincidentally died in a landslide. All of them. --Jimmy Kimmel

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Healthcare experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home (something I have in common with Brett Kavanaugh)

You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home. --Jimmy Fallon

Everybody is still talking about the big Kavanaugh-Blasey Ford hearing yesterday. One assumes. I don't know. I actually taped this monologue yesterday, which means I can't tell you what happened regarding Brett Kavanaugh — which, based on his drinking, seems to be something I have in common with Brett Kavanaugh. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun (super gonorrhea)

President Trump canceled his summit with Kim Jong Un, saying it’s because of Kim’s "open hostility." Trump said, "I will not tolerate hostility from a fat-faced little Rocket Man." --Conan O’Brien

Doctors are now warning about the spread of something they are calling "super gonorrhea." It’s hard to believe that now the cool thing to say to a woman in a bar is, “It’s OK, I only have regular gonorrhea." --Conan O’Brien

A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie." --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school

But it’s a serious thing, and the Centers for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is working to drum up support from Republicans for the Obamacare replacement they’ve been working on. Tonight, he invited 100 of them to come bowling at the White House. For real, it’s a pizza and bowling night, part of what they’re calling the president’s charm offensive. He can be very charming AND very offensive. So he puts those together. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: You know, Charlie Sheen lives here

I thought we might start the show with a little bit of geography. So here’s a map of the United States [showing] the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most STDs is traditionally whichever state where “The Bachelor” is shooting, but not in this case. –Jimmy Kimmel

California finished 16th, which is better than I thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here. –Jimmy Kimmel

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html