Seven guys? (a particularly amusing name)

 

(on AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a full ground war against the United States): "Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team." --Jon Stewart

"North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il thought he could get away with firing seven missiles into the Sea of Japan in a test of his new long range rocket technology. Six of his missiles worked, but the one capable of reaching America with a nuclear payload blew up in mid-air. That was, of course, the infamous Taepodong-2, which, since it is still incapable of destroying the West Coast, remains a particularly amusing name." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We've been brutalizing and stealing from Native Americans for more than 500 years (depending on whether they did it with the lights on)

President Bush is putting together his new cabinet. It is reported that President Bush has selected Alberto Gonzales to be his new attorney general. Alberto Gonzales. There was one awkward moment when Bush asked if he was related to Speedy Gonzalez. --Conan O’Brien 11/11/2004

Liza Minnelli is being sued by her former bodyguard who claims Liza forced him to have sex with her. Liza could face a small fine or major prison time depending on whether they did it with the lights on. --Conan O’Brien 11/11/2004

President Bush is back on the campaign trail today. He stopped off in Pennsylvania which he's already visited 34 times. You can tell he's been there a lot because instead of chanting four more years the crowd chanted, “Go somewhere else!” --Conan O’Brien 9/3/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (shave his head and enter rehab)

"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"This just in: Alberto Gonzales has announced he's going to move the Justice Department to Dubai." --Jay Leno

"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is coming under scrutiny for firing eight U.S. attorneys, apparently for political reasons at the request of the White House. Things are looking so bad for Gonzales that he might have to shave his head and enter rehab." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's kind of a lousy talking point, but it's a great romance novel (proving they've got range)

"Good news for the Bush administration. Just one week after the outrageous Walter Reed medical scandal, that story is gone ... because there's a new kid in town. His name is 'Outrageous Fired Federal Prosecutors Attorney General Scandal'. Yes, in one week, it's been revealed the administration screwed over wounded vets -- the most revered people in America -- and lawyers -- the most reviled people in America -- proving they've got range." --Jon Stewart

"With cries for his resignation flooding the airwaves, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales plead his case. He assured everyone that the matter was out of his hands [on screen: Gonzales saying that he serves 'at the pleasure of the president']. It's kind of a lousy talking point, but it's a great romance novel." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they can perform a very complicated legal maneuver known as 'asking for things.' (Roe v. Weed)

"Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case in which a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing the banner that said 'Bong Hits for Jesus' to school. The school got mad and the argument is about whether or not the student's right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently, they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy." --Stephen Colbert

"There's another big controversy in Washington over whether or not the Justice Department fired eight United States attorneys for not being malleable enough to this administration. In January, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addressed the issue [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I would never, ever make a change in the United States attorney position for political reasons']. Never ever! ... No, wait. Not ever. Wait. What's the word for when you do something periodically? Sometimes. ... A flat out denial from Gonzales. You know, in the good old days, that would have been the end of the story. The Republican Congress would have said, 'Huh? What? You didn't? Okay,' and gone back to building bridges in Alaska to save Terry Schiavo from gay flag-burners. But now, the opposition party controls Congress and they can perform a very complicated legal maneuver known as 'asking for things.'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Man, this round of Dancing With The Stars is a lot tougher than last year (the writing on the wall)

"According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC, is illiterate. To give you an idea of how bad it is, Alberto Gonzales can't even read the writing on the wall." --Jay Leno

"President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics." --Jay Leno

"President Bush even called Alberto Gonzales to offer his support. Given how popular the president is, Gonzales said, 'Uh, no thanks.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital today. Apparently, Cheney was having pains in his leg. On the way to the hospital, he had tightness in his chest, shortness of breath and profuse sweating. But when they told him he wasn't going to Walter Reed, it all went away." --Jay Leno

"The former vice president of Iraq was hanged yesterday. Man, this round of 'Dancing With The Stars' is a lot tougher than last year." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh my God, and I thought Vietnam was bad (70-92%)

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain spent the day campaigning in Newark, New Jersey. Afterwards, McCain said, 'Oh my God, and I thought Vietnam was bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"NBC and the Fox network announced they are going to join forces to create a new broadcast portal that will compete with YouTube. This amazing new broadcast portal is called television." --Conan O'Brien

"Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said today that the toughest part about getting married to his current wife was finding a wedding song that they both haven't used before." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege according to his lawyer ... Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein (Adios Amigo)

"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher

"Looks like the Democrats are starting to get a little ... ballsy. The House of Representatives voted today to order President Bush to bring the troops home by September of next year. It passed barely. The Republicans, except for two, all voted against that. Republican Sam Johnson of Texas said, 'This bill literally hands the enemy our war plan.' Which would be embarrassing since it's written on a cocktail napkin." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But when I do it's on Comedy Central (Hey, it worked for me)

"There's a big scandal going on with 'American Idol.' Sanjaya is apparently being kept on the show because there's a web site called votefortheworst.com, which urges the voters to vote for the worst possible choice. Bush heard about it and said, 'Hey, it worked for me.'" --Bill Maher

"Welcome to the show. My name is Dave Letterman. I'm the ex-husband Judi Giuliani doesn't talk about." --David Letterman

"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There's no knocking. They just break in (his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke)

"None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where President Bush meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher

"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales is in trouble because his number two man testified basically that he's a big f**king liar. Gonzales said today that he didn't lie about being involved in the firings, he just didn't recall being involved. So I guess they finally settled on a scapegoat ... Jose Cuervo." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden (summertime in Indiana)

"Down in Washington, D.C., is the big annual Easter egg hunt they have on the White House lawn. No surprise here -- the $187 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton. The kids are all running around hunting for the Easter eggs. And periodically, they'll pick up some of Cheney's shell casings. The kids did a tremendous job. The kids found hundreds and hundreds of eggs. And I'm thinking, 'Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden'." -David Letterman

"It makes you realize what a helacious s**thole Indiana must be." -- Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana

"The annual Easter egg hunt at the White House is going to be a little different this year. Instead of eggs they're going to be hiding Alberto Gonzales' emails." -Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun (Nor'passover)

"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

"In New England we call it a Nor'easter. When President Bush heard about this, he got very confused. He said, 'Does this mean next week we'll have a Nor'passover?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing (raise money for a facial)

"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno

"Presidential hopeful John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut. That's a lot of dough. Honest to God, ladies and gentleman, this hair piece didn't cost me $400." --David Letterman

"Here's the worst part: Earlier tonight, Edwards hosted a dinner to raise money for a facial." --David Letterman

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Whenever I celebrate National Meth Day, it always ends up being National Meth Month (Parkland Student Smears)

"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart

"Gonzales used the phrase 'I don't recall' 45 times before lunch. I should point out ... that's a lot. What could make a guy forget such a big decision that happened so recently? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I went back and looked at my calendar for that week. I traveled to Mexico for the inauguration of the new president. We had National Meth Awareness Day']. Now we know! You know, I'm the same way, Alberto. Whenever I celebrate National Meth Day, it always ends up being National Meth Month." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Alberto Gonzales tried to plead the fifth dimension (even I'm not that big of a pothead)

"Really, President Bush? You think the Gonzales testimony went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

He's so conservative he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS (Lies that led us to war, pt.3)

"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales maintains that he still won't resign. Really, Alberto Gonzales? You're not going to resign? During the hearings, you said 'I don't remember' or ' I don't recall' over 50 times. Don't lawyers need to have good memories? I'd rather have the guy from 'Memento' as a lawyer. My Commodore 64 has more memory than you, and it runs on bong water. Even the most conservative senators think you should resign. Sam Brownback thinks you should resign, and he's so conservative, he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS." --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html