Carpet matches the drapes/Secretary of Handsome/Dumber than Bush, no lie

September 2011

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported." –Conan O'Brien

"Fun fact about Mitt Romney: He would appoint his hair 'Secretary of Handsome.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Fun fact about Rick Perry: In high school, voted most likely to execute 200 people." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What does Fox have against black Presidents? (Tasteful Marble Countertop State)

"President Obama held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead of the president. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma, and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don't you think? I mean, for years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There's talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party." --Jay Leno

"It's happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because we are ruled by an elite group of psychopaths (Why do we have wars?)

"Crime is down in New York City. Tomorrow criminals head down to Washington to request a bailout." --David Letterman

"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hillary Clinton said she thinks we may need to send more men to Afghanistan (hardly anything rhymes with Barack Obama)

"Muslim American groups are angry over the way Muslims are portrayed on the new season of the Fox drama '24.' A spokesman for Fox said, 'If Muslims are upset about that, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In her first press conference after her trip overseas, Hillary Clinton said she thinks we may need to send more men to Afghanistan. The men she wants to send? John Edwards and Barack Obama." --Jay Leno

"In the Scooter Libby trial, the defense is looking for people for the jury who trust Dick Cheney. Unfortunately, most of the people who trust Dick Cheney have also been indicted." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Once again, Congress looking out for themselves (who will admit they live in New Jersey)

"Today is Presidents' Day where we honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth. And Bill Clinton who couldn't tell the difference." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now trying to pass a bill that would require health insurers to cover more costs for the mentally ill. Once again, Congress looking out for themselves." --Jay Leno

"In honor of Presidents' Day, President Bush put a call in to his dad, Jimmy Carter, and the black guy from '24.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary everyday.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, for the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit they live in New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Trump wants to replace the wall after 10 years of marriage (Fake horseman)

It has come out that, just like President Trump, even George Washington used to complain about leaks. There was that time Washington said of Paul Revere, “Fake horseman dead wrong about British arrival. Sad!” –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that President Trump said he wants the border wall to be very tall and very attractive. He also wants to replace the wall after 10 years of marriage. –Conan O’Brien

Over the last week, the White House has had three security scares. The Secret Service said two people tried to break in, and one first lady tried to break out. –Conan O’Brien

A hospital in Britain will be the first permitted to create babies with three biological parents. It’s being called the weirdest experiment in British genetics since the entire royal family. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Quick! get me Jack Bauer (Mostly trees)

Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.” –Jimmy Fallon

Nordstrom’s stock went up after President Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka’s clothing line. Then RadioShack said, “Would you mind attacking us?” –Jimmy Fallon

Shaquille O’Neal says that he’s trying to eat healthier. He’s cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he’s eating instead he said, “Mostly trees.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Socialism/nuclear wedgie/Not exactly a Jack Bauer moment

"The big news today! American forces have killed Pavarrati. They finally got him. He was face down in a bowl of fettucini alfredo. Actually, they killed that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man who ran the al Qaeda in Iraq. In lieu of flowers, the Zarqawi family's asking that you send deodorant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Air Force dropped two 500 pound bombs on him and just to be sure, they swooped down and gave him a nuclear wedgie." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A federal air marshall has been suspended from his job after appearing on the TV show, '20/20,' to complain that the government isn't doing enough to protect the identity of air marshals. He went on TV to complain that the government was not keeping his identity a secret. Not exactly a Jack Bauer moment." --Jay Leno

Dumber than Bush, no lie.

"Last night at the Republican debate MSNBC put little factoids about the candidates on the screen as they were speaking. For instance, Michele Bachmann: Pet peeve: facts. Gives Jesus the creeps. Has never seen her husband naked. Governor Rick Perry: Dumber than Bush, no lie. Motto: 'Don’t mess with Texes.' In high school voted 'Most likely to execute 200+ people.' Newt Gingrich: Even fatter in real life. Carpet matches the drapes. Favorite color: Donuts." –Conan O'Brien



"Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'" –Conan O'Brien