Next time you’re in Rupert’s office, make sure you’re not standing on top of any trapdoors (It’s like that, but without Simon Cowell)

March 2023

“The Conservative Political Action Conference, also known as CPAC, kicked off this week in Maryland. It’s kinda hard to explain. Every like low-rent radio host and podcast racist with a dye job and a fleece vest shows up to try to out-crazy each other. Remember the first seasons of American Idol? When the losers would just line up and get mowed down by Simon Cowell? It’s like that, but without Simon Cowell.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“One notable absentee from this year’s CPAC is Mike Pence. Not only is the former vice-poodle skipping CPAC this year, he appears to be distancing himself further from his former boss. Asked by CBS News if he would support Trump as the Republican nominee for 2024, Pence deferred: ‘Well, I think we’ll have better choices, and I really trust Republican voters.’ So, no. Has anyone dodged more questions than Mike Pence? This man was Donald Trump’s vice-president and he wouldn’t vote for him. Do you realize how unusual that is? It’s like if macaroni said goodbye to cheese.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Looking into the defamation lawsuit against Fox News by Dominion Voting Systems. For years now, the shtick over at Fox should be the same. They lie to their viewers while simultaneously telling those same viewers that it’s the rest of the media who’s lying to them and that Fox is the only outlet telling the truth. But their shtick is falling apart now that we have definitive proof in these court filings from the billion-dollar Dominion lawsuit that were not only lying, but they knew they were lying. Billionaire Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch said under oath that Fox News executives who knowingly allowed lies about the 2020 election to be broadcast ‘should be reprimanded’ or ‘maybe got rid of’. Wow, notice he didn’t say fired. He said ‘got rid of’. I’d be a little nervous if I worked over at Fox News. Next time you’re in Rupert’s office, make sure you’re not standing on top of any trapdoors.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up (Iraq rememberer)

 

"This chick, Ashley Dupre, is everywhere. I swear to God,

she won 'American Idol.' The last person to get this famous

for f------ some idiot was Kevin Federline." --Bill Maher

"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy

Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had

with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume

debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

"The good news is on YouTube, the Obama speech now is

getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. The bad

news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's

hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

"The other guy who dropped out this week I have the

highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform

that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never

got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race.

It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney

shows up." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like 'American Idol' being beaten by a rerun of 'Matlock.' (so it's been a while)

"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno 

"No, Sarah Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state s luxury jet and put it on eBay. Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain." --Jay Leno

"It surprised me. It looks like John McCain's speech last week beat Barack Obama's speech in the ratings. Isn't that amazing? Honest to God. That's like 'American Idol' being beaten by a rerun of 'Matlock.'" --Jay Leno

  

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years? (The Great Wall of Chimichanga)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"—Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down (In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine)

"Tomorrow this is a little fun fact for you both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says he's planning to get his daughters a dog if he's elected president. Most voters asked think he should get a poodle, proving that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a gay first dog." --Conan O'Brien

 

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

 

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All we hear is ‘Party time!’ (Lesser of Two Evils)

April 2022

“Finally, let’s talk about Covid-19, the only one of us that has seen Kamala Harris in like three months.” —Trevor Noah

“But Dr. Fauci warned the virus cannot be stamped out completely. The country may be totally over it, but it’s somehow still hanging around. Basically it’s like ‘American Idol.’” —James Corden

“Dr. Fauci has said that America is currently not in a ‘pandemic phase,’ as in: not a pandemic right now but it’s not over. It could come back. But as much as you want to get angry at people, here’s the thing: Dr Fauci, how do you not know by now how stupid people are? We’re all stupid. You can’t just say ‘Oh, pandemic phase is over!’ All we hear is ‘Party time!’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden (rich people's yacht money)

May 2013

"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama's had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four 'American Idol' judges." –David Letterman

“It seems like lately, President Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what's he doing with all of these dead cats?" –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine (bringing polls down)

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest

announced that more than 63 million votes were cast,

which is more than any president in U.S. history has

ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary

Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"North Korea’s Taepo-Dong missile could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat ****. Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house (That's 21 lobbyists for every member of congress)

November 2012

"What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol.'" –Jay Leno

"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Romney votes were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno

"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno

"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno

"NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer." –Jay Leno

"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks! (Lobster Helper)

September 2012

"It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions." –Jay Leno

"Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, 'Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'" –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here are the funds for your Death Star, Lord Trump (I wondered how my parents ever did it)

June 2012

"There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol" they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable." –Jay Leno 

"Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn't have much and Biden said, 'The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.' Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden's parents never really did do it?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President (Vote for Peace)

"Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he’d be if she won." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President." –Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin, on visiting Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington: "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President - who had such diverse interests - when she told me later: 'how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'"
Stephen Colbert: "It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers.”

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I love all living things, but that guy was a d*ck (our warm up spill)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago." –Conan O'Brien

"Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, 'Dude . . . '" –Conan O'Brien

"Now that bin Laden is gone, we can get back to talking about 'American Idol.' That really shows that we've won the War on Terror." –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots (outsourcing the job of his wife)

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey (also known as We the People)

"Now Egyptians are demanding to see President Mubarak’s birth certificate. There’s a rumor he was born in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"According to 'The National Enquirer' House Speaker John Boehner had his package stimulated. He’s being accused of having two affairs, one with a female lobbyist. That should end the criticism of the Republicans as 'The Party of No.'" –Jay Leno

"Oil companies are now saying that the unrest in the Middle East could lead to an increase in gas prices. Did you ever notice that everything leads to increased gas prices: Egypt, the snowstorm, Snooki's book, the 'American Idol' judges." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to The New York Post, delegates at the Democratic convention received information packets with three separate warnings not to drink too much, because they say alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine (Salute to Myself!)

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." –Conan O'Brien 

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow this is a little fun fact for you both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain." --Conan O'Brien

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President (Who stands with you?)

from July 2010

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations

9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker

8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry 7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote

6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy

5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost

4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge

3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer

2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil

1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine (bring polls down)

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”