His grandson showed him how to use a bong (which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth)

A new study claims 1 in 50 men is unwittingly raising someone else’s child. I was shocked, and so was my son, "Rodrigo Garcia." –Conan O’Brien

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from "Jersey Shore" is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. –Conan O’Brien

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. --Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the board of a marijuana company and today he said his "thinking on cannabis has evolved." That can only mean really one thing: His grandson showed him how to use a bong. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit? (Choose your leaders wisely)

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

​​"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour. And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?" –Bill Maher

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA (As if the Jews have not suffered enough)

“Mitt Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA.” –Jay Leno

“No, this is true; I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. As if the Jews have not suffered enough." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that would never have happened under Bill Clinton (OMG, Stay Off Her!)

August 12, 2012

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno

"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a relationship, a man must be flexible (brand new subatomic particles)

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

"The Broncos in the Super Bowl couldn't move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, Where's My Cardinal? (Live and Let Diocese)

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that. It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

"James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron." –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble (See, I do reach out to poor people)

August 2012

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen (he insists he has nothing to hide)

August 2012

"Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney's running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities (Mitt will be introduced by his money)

August 2012

"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman

"On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money." –David Letterman

"You know who's hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.' (Imbeciles who really mean it)

August 2012

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world." –Bill Maher

"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish (It's the fundraising version of a glory hole)

August 2012

"It's only been six days that they've been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror." –Bill Maher

"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher

"There are these groups now called 'Dark Money groups.' Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don't have to reveal where the money is coming from -- no identity. It's the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Getting too loose. Kind of a bromance (In fact, it's even a crappy tip)

August 2012

"Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama says he's sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he's thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?" –Jay Leno 

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are now campaigning separately. They didn't want to, but Chick-Fil-A threatened to pull their campaign contributions. Getting too loose. Kind of a bromance." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So this election could have a happy ending after all (Stop Participating In It)

August 2012

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off." –Jay Leno

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno

"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”