It had nothing to do with my weekend at the Mustang Ranch (armed, dangerous and covered in ****)

So it was announced that former President Joe Biden has advanced prostate cancer. I’m sure the announcement had nothing to do with the recently released Hur audio and the bombshell book about his cognitive decline, just like I think how Yoko Ono had nothing to do with The Beatles breaking up. Yeah, and that rash I got had nothing to do with my weekend at the Mustang Ranch. —Greg Gutfeld

Several inmates are still at large after escaping a New Orleans jail. The prisoners had escaped last week through a hole behind a toilet. Authorities warned the public that these inmates are armed, dangerous and covered in sh*t. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is a good citizen driven to despair (the donate to charity slice)

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. —Mitch Hedberg

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, ‘go around I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there’s nothing.’ —Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. I ordered a slice of pizza, the dude gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this dude gave me the donate to charity slice. —Mitch Hedberg

I can only wear V-necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all damn day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Lord, I don’t ask for much, but please let this go to trial (Give me the code-red fascist Baja Blast)

September 2022

“Donald Trump is having more legal troubles, including his struggle to find lawyers to represent him. Of course, one possible reason lawyers don’t want to work for the ex-pres is that doing so puts them at the risk of being disbarred for breaking the law, and they don’t even get paid to break the law because the former president has a reputation for ignoring bills. Trump’s current legal team consists of a Florida insurance lawyer who’s never had a federal case, a former host at far-right One America News, and a past general counsel for a parking garage company. Please, Lord, I don’t ask for much, but please let this go to trial.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s legal woes seem to be helping Democrats in the upcoming midterms, as the former president’s continued influence within the Republican party allows Democrats to frame the elections as a choice between normality and threatening extremism. Now that sounds like an easy decision, but have you seen what Americans eat? Given the choice, we always pick extreme – ‘Well, I was going to get a nice, healthy democracy, but if it’s only 75 cents more, give me the code-red fascist Baja Blast.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There are new details about the top-secret documents seized by the FBI at Mar-a-Lago last month, some of which pertained to classified US operations so closely guarded that many top national security officials were kept in the dark about them. In fairness, Trump was probably also kept in the dark about them. Technically, I guess they had to show him classified documents when he was president, but they probably distracted him the same way you give your kid an iPad on the airplane to shut him up.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room (Unplug me)

But they did play golf this morning. Japan’s Prime Minister Abe said playing with Trump was kind of weird. Every time Trump got it in the hole, he’d have his lawyer send it hush money. --Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knew that, he said, “’Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner (complete narcissistic moron)

February 2014

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"The Russians were supposed to do well in men's and women's hockey. Now they've both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They're gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner." –David Letterman

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My God, this guy is a lunatic (Uh, yeah, it kind of is)

January 2014

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free." –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

it was soaked in pepper spray and Mountain Dew Code Red (“Not so fast,” said Porn hub)

October 2021

At a republican rally in Virginia attendees recited the Pledge of Allegiance to a flag that was allegedly used during the capital riots. You could tell the flag was from the riots because it was soaked in pepper spray and Mountain Dew Code Red. —Michael Che

Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has maintained his 5:00 a.m. training regimen in case he gets called back up to the NFL. But the Giants are still going to stick with their current quarterback, a scarecrow on a Roomba. —Michael Che

Experts say that by 2026, Disney Plus will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast,” said Porn hub. —Michael Che

A California ranch once owned by Ronald Reagan, is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”