The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP (But did you die?)

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down

part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political

rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to

address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes,

he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda.

Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In

fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their

buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand (107 minutes)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And also, he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as we speak (Good News Everyone!)

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

"Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge. Christie said, 'I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC.'" –Conan O'Brien

The CEO of Lego will be replaced next year. The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as we speak. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're already paying 97% of our campaign contributions (Tax the Rich?)

May 2014

"Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule – like Obama's second term." –David Letterman

"The new 'Godzilla' opens this weekend. They're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge." –David Letterman

"Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track (America in two headlines)

“The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.”—David Letterman

“Here's the latest on the Iran deal. Iran says they will not make nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn't make more movies with Seth Rogen and James Franco.” —David Letterman

"Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, 'I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself.' So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, 'If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.'" –David Letterman

"Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll close that bridge when I get to it (Apparently traffic was a nightmare)

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year.

When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that

bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal,

Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize

to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic

was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars,

trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part

of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday,

Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal.

The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP."

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach' (I do not want to be recognized)

January 2014

"A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an unfair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No Shit!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this scandal Bridgegate. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach'." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized." –Conan O'Brien

"Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto." –Conan O'Brien on the egging attack on Bieber's neighbor's house

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

He said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey (Take a bow, George)

January 2014

"The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work." –Jay Leno

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Governor Christie said he wants to do all he can to keep people from leaving New Jersey. That's why he closed the bridge. He was trying to do some good." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP (Broken Promise Zones)

January 2014

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon

"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

"During his press conference about the traffic scandal, Christie said he was stunned by the 'abject stupidity.' And this is a guy wants to be president? Wait until he gets to Washington. It's a whole new level." –Jay Leno 

"Yesterday President Obama laid out plans for creating what he called 'promise zones' all across the county – spots that will receive extra financial and economic attention from the government. Don't confuse those areas with the rest of the country. Those are 'broken promise' zones." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They'll get that birthrate up in no time (He seems like a pretty bouncy person)

January 2014

"Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie's chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Iran is encouraging families to have more children to boost the population. They have a plan to give a gold coin to any family that has a baby. Maybe we should send Dennis Rodman and his squad of former NBA players straight from North Korea over there. They'll get that birthrate up in no time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

It was supposed to leave Monday night but it got stuck on the George Washington Bridge (the guy could be unfit for his pants)

January 2014

"It's warming up a little bit here in the northeast. The polar vortex has departed. It was supposed to leave Monday night but it got stuck on the George Washington Bridge." –David Letterman

"Apparently someone in Governor Chris Christie's office closed the bridge. This is what I don't understand. You've got a major political figure and the busiest bridge in the world. Don't put anything in writing. Do what I always do when I have something top secret to discuss. I go to a bowling alley and use the pay phone." –David Letterman

"People are saying that if he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, 'Hey, the guy could be unfit for his pants. What about that?'" –David Letterman

"It's been a lousy week for Governor Christie. I mean, first the bridge scandal and now the nationwide Velveeta shortage." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it (the Velveeta cheese shortage)

January 2014

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it." –Jay Leno

"Somebody at Governor Christie's office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time." –Jay Leno

"Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn't he?" –Jay Leno 

"After his denial, Christie quickly left the news conference to deal with a more personal crisis: the Velveeta cheese shortage." –Jay Leno

"In the new movie 'The Wolf of Wall Street,' they say the F-word was used a record 506 times. Thus breaking the old record of 505 times set by President Obama when he heard about Robert Gates' new book." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

He thought they said they were blocking the fridge (Told you I knew the president)

January 2014

"Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Chris Christie held a press conference today to address the bridge scandal. He insisted that he is not a bully — and he will sit on anyone who says otherwise." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Yesterday, President Obama gave photographers a rare chance to take pictures of his weekly lunch with Joe Biden. Then Biden told his friends, 'Told you I knew the president.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hippity Hoppity, It's Time for Chippity Choppity (which is slightly longer than normal)

January 2014

"The president of the United States of New Jersey Chris Christie is in hot water. Ok, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off." –Stephen Colbert

"New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington Bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up for days, which is slightly longer than normal." –Stephen Colbert

"Turns out that the lane closures were meant to make life hell as payback to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, for not endorsing Christie for re-election. No word yet on what the rest of New Jersey is payback for." –Stephen Colbert

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama's former defense secretary, Robert Gates, has written a new memoir where he says that Joe Biden has been wrong on almost every foreign policy issue in the last 40 years. He says he's awful when it comes to foreign countries. Then Biden was like, 'Is this bout the time I got lost at Epcot?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

You can't say power hungry without hungry (Make your toilet great again)

January 2014

"Chris Christie was having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee Jersey, so he closed down the George Washington Bridge. It was traffic snarled up for hundreds of miles, day after day. I'm telling you, this guy, you can't say power hungry without hungry." –David Letterman

"How petty, Christie's having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee, closes down the George Washington Bridge. Honestly, I thought this guy was bigger than that." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge. Christie said, 'I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress said that unemployment benefits basically pay people to not work. He said the only people who should be paid for not working are members of Congress." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

If the pants don't fit, you must acquit

"Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive." –David Letterman 



"Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, 'I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself.' So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, 'If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.'" –David Letterman



"The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh." –Seth Meyers

That’s doing the minimum for your wage

"We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest – you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second." –Jimmy Fallon   

"In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different." –Jay Leno

"The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’" –Jimmy Fallon 

Performing an exorcism on Justin Bieber

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane." –Jay Leno



 

Or as pizza delivery men put it, "Pray for us"

"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this scandal Bridgegate. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, 'Pray for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia." –Jimmy Fallon 



Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year. When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives." –Jimmy Fallon



"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon