He broke the previous record of zero

Starbucks announced that their pumpkin spice latte will now be made with a little bit of pumpkin. Also, their Frappuccino will now be made with a little bit of Al Pacino. –Conan O’Brien

A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero. –Conan O’Brien

but there's still a restraining order...

Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech to announce he's running for president in his high school's gymnasium. It was the longest period of time Christie has ever spent in a gym. –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order. –Conan O’Brien

What else does he have to do?

"We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads." –Jimmy Fallon

What the realtor said was...

Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, "Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven't slept at all. We came out too early." —Seth Meyers

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers

Lift with your legs, not your back

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

"According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks." –Jimmy Fallon



Looking good, Un.

"A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote." –Conan O'Brien



"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'" –Conan O'Brien



We have your search history. Do what we tell you.

"It's being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You'd think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, 'We have your search history. Do what we tell you.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon



People are spitting on the wrong side

The Bush Stamp

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:



1) The stamp is in perfect order.



2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.



3) People are spitting on the wrong side

After page 72,000, it gets really good

"It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good." – Conan O'Brien



"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien 



Unleash the American dream

"Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex." –Jimmy Fallon



"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new become coming out that slams president Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon or download the version directly from Cheney's heart." –Conan O'Brien



That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

"Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, “Happy to help. Can't wait."—Jimmy Fallon

The fourth biggest drinking day in America

"St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party." –David Letterman



"Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed." –David Letterman



My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes

"Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future — wait a minute, that's me." –David Letterman



"They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. " –David Letterman

Look for the house that's been set on fire..

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien



"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien



"Here is a new and important announcement from the CDC: You will not become a Jets fan through casual contact with a Jets fan." –David Letterman



Now get away from our castle!

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers



"In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine 'has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.' And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend Crimea." –Seth Meyers


President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch

"Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president." –Conan O'Brien



"The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch." –Conan O'Brien



They could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts

"The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts." –Jimmy Kimmel
 


"The official ballot is one line: 'Should Scotland be an independent country?' And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says 'Yes'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

I got dibs!

"This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes 'yes,' it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, 'I got dibs!'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It's expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams." –Conan O'Brien



It's God's way of testing their faith

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon



"Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called 'Nuns on the Bus' kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." –Jimmy Fallon 



Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer

"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan O'Brien

"You probably all heard about President Bush's nickname for Vladamir Putin, Pootie-Poot. See, he likes to give nicknames to everybody. He calls his dad '41', because he was the 41st president, and he calls Dick Cheney 'Boss.'" —Jay Leno

 "As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn