the big Republican sex party (apologized on the Golf Channel)

"Now here's a fascinating story. And this kind of thing happens all the time. But every time it happens, we always say, 'Whoa, here we go.' The Republican National Committee had a big party at some kind of a sex club in Los Angeles. They spent $2,000 of campaign donation money on the bill at the sex club in Los Angeles. But the guy who organized the big Republican sex party apologized on the Golf Channel, so that's good." –David Letterman

"Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know who else is on 'Dancing with the Stars'? Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket." –David Letterman

"Here's a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, 'You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let's have a party.' So they said, 'Well, yeah, but we don't want to pay for it.' And they said: 'No. We'll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We'll let the folks pay for it.' And everybody said, 'Great, what do we do?' And they said, 'Well, let's go to Los Angeles to a sex club.' And they said, 'Great!' So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: healthcare, you know; climate control; financial reform." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub? (cutting down on wasteful spending?)

"The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele – you probably heard about this – he got in a lot of trouble. I guess they dropped over $2,000 to staffers at a topless bondage theme nightclub right here in Hollywood. And what's the Republicans' big issue right now? Isn't it – oh, yeah – cutting down on wasteful spending?" –Jay Leno

"Michael Steele. Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub?" –Jay Leno

"Well, according to 'Newsweek,' the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and we all know how Donald Trump feels about anything unprecedented (hard to spell)

     

It was revealed today that Donald Trump is using campaign donations and money from the Republican National Committee to help pay for his legal fees tied to the Russia investigation. Trump using the campaign funds is not illegal but an unprecedented move by a sitting president and we all know how Donald Trump feels about anything unprecedented. He feels it's hard to spell. –James Corden

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Can we talk about this over a drink? (Bill Cosby edition)

A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cyber security. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien 

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus." –Conan O’Brien

Global Orgasm for Peace Day

"President Bush pardoned the White House turkey today. A lot of people are wondering why this particular bird was chosen to be saved. It turns out this turkey had donated thousands of dollars to the Republican National Committee." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow of course is Thanksgiving, the day we get together with our relatives, or as Donald Rumsfeld calls it, acceptable torture." --Jay Leno

"Two anti-war activists are now organizing a Global Orgasm for Peace day. They want everyone in the world to have an orgasm at the same time. Good luck. It's hard enough trying to get two people together. Imagine six billion. Orgasm for peace? Wasn't that Clinton's foreign policy?" --Jay Leno

Trump Trails Ted by Ten (Try saying that 10 times fast)

Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch. –Jimmy Kimmel

Their creation has escaped from the lab

All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans. –Jimmy Kimmel

Right now members of the Republican National Committee are essentially the scientists in a movie realizing their creation has escaped from the lab. –Jimmy Kimmel

Even though Trump is on top, 54 percent of voters, don't believe he's trustworthy or honest. If Donald Trump is dishonest, what's he going to say when he starts being honest? –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a nationwide survey that found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is "Arrogant." When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is "Liar." When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Voters don't even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him. –Jimmy Kimmel

A drunk person trying to say 'rented Prius.'

"RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying that he can't control his mouth. That's kind of like someone trying to say the name 'Reince Priebus,' which sounds like a drunk person trying to say 'rented Prius.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up something he'd actually miss." –Jimmy Fallon

So do 10 out of 10 Democrats

"This year's Oscar nomination pool is the least diverse collection of nominees since 1998. There are so many white nominees that Fox News agreed to host a debate." –Seth Meyers

"The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

The kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours

"Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It's never a good sign when you have to start your speech with 'Hear me out.'" –Seth Meyers



"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers

Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.'

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers



"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson



Until they realized it was just a live press conference

"CBS cancelled its miniseries on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which." –Dennis Miller

I think I have his spaghetti sauce

"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman 

"According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level." –Jay Leno 

"The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote." –Jimmy Fallon



Terrible news for the monkey

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher



"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno



"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon 





This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman



"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman



"The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. “Reince Priebus” is also the name of a car driven by Jay Leno." –David Letterman