I saw a dad who is never quite proud enough of his son (They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time)

The New Horizons spacecraft made its long-awaited flyby of Pluto. It's been 10 years and $700 million in the making. People say they see all kinds of things in the new photo of Pluto. Some saw a heart shape or a flower. I don't know what to make of this but I saw a dad who is never quite proud enough of his son. It's probably meaningless. –James Corden

It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea. (growth package)

 

"Both the Republicans and the Democrats have competing growth packages. Let me tell you something, the only person with a growth package in this country that works -- Barry Bonds." --Jay Leno

"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for (I didn't even know Pluto had oil)

"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." -Jay Leno

"Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about, George Clooney's film, 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the Bush's Medicare plan for the elderly." --Jay Leno

 

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything (as powerful as a negative Yelp review)

March 2014

"Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: 'Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.'" –Seth Meyers 

"Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia's annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it's about as powerful as a negative Yelp review." –Seth Meyers 

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At that point you’re just using him as a corona napkin (colder than the caves of Pluto)

“On a trip to Arizona, the president left Air Force One and proceeded to try to shake the hand of a greeting official but instead opted for an awkward back slap. What is the point in avoiding a handshake if you then wipe your hands all over the other guy’s suit? At that point you’re just using him as a corona napkin.” —Trevor Noah

“During his Arizona visit Trump also refused to wear a mask while visiting a mask factory. The mask would literally be the least distracting thing on his head.” —Trevor Noah

“In an ABC News interview, Trump also said that reopening America would put some people’s lives in jeopardy. That’s just a risk that Trump is willing for you to take.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked what message he would give to grieving relatives, Trump said that they should be pleased that there will be a ‘raging economy’ next year. That response was colder than the caves of Pluto.” —Stephen Colbert

“When asked about the mass loss of life, Trump said that no one has been losing more sleep than him over it. Even in grief, he is No 1.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How would we know how much more furious they get? (Rest in profits)

“During an interview with ABC News on Tuesday night, Trump told David Muir that he had decided to keep the task force in operation. He also said that he believed more American deaths would be possible as the country began to reopen, and that grieving families would be happy with the economic results. That’s right, for Trump, the priority right now isn’t to try to stop the pandemic; it’s to open up the country no matter what. I mean, how can you get rid of the task force fighting the pandemic while the pandemic is still growing? That makes no sense. Can you imagine if they stopped after ‘Fast and Furious 6?’ How would we know how much more furious they get?” —Trevor Noah

“[imitating Trump] What I’m trying to say is, yeah, a lot of people are going to die, and I am washing my hands of it.” — Stephen Colbert

“That is colder than the caves of Pluto. Imagine that obituary: ‘He is survived by two sons, a granddaughter, and a raging economy. He would be rich if he wasn’t dead. Rest in profits.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The told Bush it got destroyed by the Death Star (surrender fries)

"Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn't get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats." –Craig Ferguson 4/7/2011

"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So, for a few minutes, there will be two George Bushes in free fall (eleven vampires and a werewolf)

"George W. Bush has a plan to fight global warming. He's going to reinstate Pluto." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff is on trial for perjury and his lawyer says he's only going to accept jurors who have a favorable opinion of Dick Cheney. Experts predict that the jury will consist of eleven vampires and a werewolf." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush announced that he's planning on celebrating his 85th birthday by jumping out of a plane. So, for a few minutes, there will be two George Bushes in free fall." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

George W. Bush in On the Waterfront (bombing the %#$@ out of you)

"Osama bin Laden released an audio tape today claiming more attacks on U.S. soil were imminent, yet also offering a truce to help rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which I guess is sort of an olive branch. A burning olive branch. It's a mixed message. Now, first of all, Osama said he offered a truce because polls show the majority of Americans are against the war. Here's what he doesn't understand. That's the war in Iraq. Everybody over here is pretty much in favor of bombing the %#$@ out of you." --Jon Stewart

"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary's been on any president she wasn't married to." --Jay Leno

More bad news for Dick Cheney/I didn't know Pluto had oil/onward to victory

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is being criticized for saying that God wants New Orleans to be a chocolate city and that the hurricanes were because God was mad at us. The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award." --Jay Leno

"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." -Jay Leno

"According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

You can find her at www.extremelycareless.com? (it got destroyed by the Death Star)

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert

"Finally good news in the administration's War on Terror. No doubt Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld overjoyed of the news If he seemed a little disoriented or a little choked up, it's because this is the first thing he's done right." --Jon Stewart

they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star (galactic overlords)

"Earth is in trouble. A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill Maher

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Let's also begin tonight with quick updates on two men with that have more in common than you might think. Each is an outspoken defender of his religion. Each embroiled in heated negotiations. And each is tiny [on screen: Tom Cruise and Iranian Pres. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]. The difference, of course, is only one denies the Holocaust ever happened. The other simply believes the galactic overlord Xenu flew humans to Earth in DC-8s and then hydrogen-bombed them into volcanoes. What's next for the two men? Well, Cruise will be soon heading up his own independent production company, while Ahmadinejad will soon have a nuclear weapon." --Jon Stewart

He’ll just leave us for a younger country

The New Horizons spacecraft made its long-awaited flyby of Pluto. It's been 10 years and $700 million in the making. People say they see all kinds of things in the new photo of Pluto. Some saw a heart shape or a flower. I don't know what to make of this but I saw a dad who is never quite proud enough of his son. It's probably meaningless. –James Corden

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country. –Seth Meyers

A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely. –Seth Meyers