The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime (this is their black magic)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. –Conan O’Brien

It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is their black magic, and it doesn't work without you (Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island)

March 2023

“Tonight, President Biden attended a big Democratic fundraiser in Las Vegas. Yep, not really the best timing for Biden. Yesterday, he assured us the banking system is safe, and 24 hours later, he rolled up in Vegas. He's like, ‘Putting it all on black.’ Anyway, long story short, Caesar's Palace now owns Rhode Island. So, no big deal.”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Last night, former president Trump made a campaign visit to Iowa, and he delivered a speech that lasted an hour and 45 minutes. Not only did Trump talk for almost two hours, but he actually ended his speech by taking questions from the audience. Which backfired when the first question was, ‘Can we go home now?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Pope Francis suggested that he's open to reviewing the Catholic church’s vow of celibacy for priests. That should definitely liven up the next season of The Bachelor.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news -- amid a rise in shoplifting, Lowe's is using a new 400-pound, egg-shaped security robot to patrol parking lots at some of their stores. 400 pounds and egg-shaped. The robot was like, ‘Thanks. Uh, that description is a real ego boost.’ It looks like if R2-D2, a stormtrooper, and the Jeopardy! buzzer had a baby.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you (But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days)

"Yes, (Jack Abramoff attended) only two Hanukkah receptions (at the White House). But the bribes miraculously lasted for 8 whole days." --Jon Stewart

 

"The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout from the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim: Ohio Congressman and Three-Time World Comb-Over Champion Bob Ney. Ney stepped down from his position as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he's under investigation. That chairmanship goes to the next highest ranking Republican on the committee, Representative Giant Pile Of Jack Abramoff's Money." –Jon Stewart

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad became the first Middle Eastern leader to visit Iraq since Saddam Hussein fell, of let's say natural causes. Obviously, a visit from the Iranian leader to Iraq prompts some concern, and still President Bush has a clear message he would like the Iraqis to deliver to Ahmadinejad [on screen: President Bush saying, 'The message needs to be quit sending in sophisticated equipment that is killing our citizens. Stop exporting terror. The international community is serious about continuing to isolate Iran']. A strong message to send, but the Iraqi government owes us. I mean, they owe their life to us. Certainly the president's message will be delivered. Here's Ahmadinejad getting off the plane. They'll hit him. Wait, what? [on screen: Ahmadinejad arrives to a red carpet and a child with flowers]. There appears to be kissing. Alright, now here's where they'll execute him. No, he's being greeted by a child with flowers. A red carpet and a child with flowers. Okay. To the untrained eye that may appear to be gracious, maybe even a warm welcome, but I do want to point out that that little girl gave him chrysanthemums. Everyone knows he is an orchid guy, so that's a bit of a f— you." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It doesn't work without you (just as our forefathers intended)

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

"Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, 'Are you ready for some football?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is their black magic, and it doesn't work without you (grand theft nacho)

October 2022

“The host then checked in on a tight Senate race in Ohio between Tim Ryan and Republican JD Vance, the Hillbilly Elegy author who shifted from Trump critic to acolyte for his endorsement – so much so that Trump said at a rally last month, ‘JD is kissing my ass, he wants my support so much.’ JD, if you want to do that, you’re going to have to squeeze in next to Lindsey Graham. Those two are like a couple of puppies fighting over a teat.” —Stephen Colbert

“In a recent debate, no one made JD Vance look more out of touch than JD Vance. Just look at Vance’s comments on federal decriminalization of marijuana: ‘We have to be careful here not to be soft on crime, because a lot of times you’ll hear somebody thrown in prison for smoking a joint. If you look at the underlying charge, you’ll see that it wasn’t just that they smoked a joint. It’s that they smoked a joint and beat an elderly woman over the head with a pistol.’ Oh yeah, a lot of times you read that. I read that every day! I mean, marijuana famously leads to all kinds of violent crime – grand theft nacho, reckless engigglement, conspiracy to commit to a whole season of Planet Earth.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”