Well, that would be great if I had a job (They're like Martha Stewart)

May 2013

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, 'Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'" –David Letterman

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart." –David Letterman

"The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and he won’t come home until he finds a new host for The Bachelor (convince Sully Sullenberger to do one last job)

June 2021

“President Biden embarked on his first presidential trip abroad on Tuesday with hopes of strengthening bonds with European leaders that had been damaged, in part, by Donald Trump. Yep, Biden’s going to England, Belgium and Switzerland, and he won’t come home until he finds a new host for ‘The Bachelor.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Biden is hoping to repair ties with our European allies. I think he’ll be well received. I mean, for starters, there won’t be a giant baby balloon following him wherever he goes.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The news coverage of Biden’s trip got off to a bumpy start. The White House press plane was delayed almost seven hours because a swarm of cicadas flew into the engine of the plane. If this was a movie, the government would have to go to a cabin in the woods to convince Sully Sullenberger to do one last job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“United was like, ‘Ooh, that’s good; can we use that?’”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Mike Pence was like, ‘Bugs on your head — you’re supposed to save that for the big debate.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh, hey, look, about the last guy — sorry about that (Potato, pot-ah-to)

June 2021

“President Biden embarked on his first presidential trip abroad on Tuesday with hopes of strengthening bonds with European leaders that had been damaged, in part, by Donald Trump. Come on, Europe, you can’t judge us. You had fascists; we had fascists. You have rulers that marry their cousins; we have Rudy, who married his cousin. You had Nosferatu; we have — we have Rudy. Potato, pot-ah-to.” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s going to be a little awkward trying to mend fences. Every speech he gives is going to begin with ‘Uh, hey, look, about the last guy — sorry about that.’” —James Corden

“And the cicadas are so out of touch. They haven’t been aboveground since 2004, and it shows. I mean, look at this one — Ed Hardy shirt, Von Dutch hat, and he’s using a BlackBerry, wearing one of those Live Strong bracelets. It’s embarrassing.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs (just as the Bible foretold)

June 2021

“There have been a series of extreme natural events lately, from heatwaves in many parts of the US to the emergence of cicadas. It’s never a good sign when the weather forecast ends with ‘just as the Bible foretold’, but it has been happening.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Cicadas have swarmed parts of the eastern US after 17 years underground, looking to mate like a bunch of horny teenagers on prom night. They’re an interesting creature: the reason they all come out at the same time is because it makes it impossible for predators to eat all of them at once. It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Between Covid, the heat and these cicadas, it’s like someone figured out an algorithm to make sure we never go outside the house. I suspect Netflix is behind this.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Trump will save your acorns!

Several alumni of "The Apprentice" held a press conference to say that Donald Trump should not be president. While on the other hand, Gary Busey went to the park to register squirrels to vote. "President Trump will save your acorns!" —Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account. –Jimmy Fallon