Besides, you're saying it wrong. (This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave)

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, vice president Pence seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the rich and corporations tell (#WhyVinDieselTrippin?)

President Trump even imposed tariffs on remote islands that are only inhabited by penguins. Well, then maybe penguins shouldn't keep pushing their gay agenda. —Colin Jost

The live stream of Cory Booker's speech got more than 350 million likes on TikTok and was reshared millions more times with the hashtag #WhyVinDieselTrippin? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These are all bad examples (Penguins are probably delicious)

"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress was locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples." –Craig Ferguson

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty (they want to see the placenta)

"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (water and air)

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Why on earth would his name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. Trump didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (I never wished for rain more in my entire life)

AC/DC has a new lead singer. Axle Rose will replace Brian Johnson. At 54-years-old, he will be the youngest member of the group. They are still on a “Highway to Hell,” but they're in the far right lane. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation. –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are they protecting him from? Reality? (I'm checking her out)

"Newt Gingrich is still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when he was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, 'I'm checking her out.' Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you know you’re part of the top 1%, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it (Penguins are probably delicious)

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that's still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins (I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that)

"Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins." –Conan O'Brien 

"A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes." –Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States. After hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said, 'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Trump's speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker (Happy Now, Jerks!)

The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker. –Conan O’Brien

There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women’s March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby. –Conan O’Brien

Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book’s tentative title is “Happy Now, [Jerks]?” –Conan O’Brien