And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump (I'm doing this for America)

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America." –Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography (CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich)

 

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Belgium and things got tense when the Prime Minister demanded the U.S. close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. President Bush quickly replied, 'The prison is closed. That's how we keep them in there.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"CBS announced that this season of 'Survivor,' the teams will be divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm doing this for America (Bazinga)

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

A lot of fans weren't happy with how Game of Thrones ended. They're complaining about the writing. I'm not saying their writers ran out of ideas, but I thought it was odd that Jon Snow's final line was, "Bazinga." --Jimmy Fallon

A "Game of Thrones" version of the board game Clue is now for sale. It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon. –Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America." –Jimmy Fallon

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 27% said, 'No habla ingles.' (Good Lord, not him)

"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush's favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president's list -- nacho spaghetti and corn dog pudding." --Conan O'Brien

"73% of Americans say that immigration is a serious problem. The other 27% said, 'No habla ingles.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you notice, President Bush is in Africa this week? And yesterday, true story, he visited a school and read to the students from "The Cat in the Hat." Yeah. There was an awkward moment when one of the students told Bush, 'Sir, this is a college.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman (Survivor: Weiner Island)

"The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? 'Survivor: Weiner Island.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman." –Craig Ferguson

"But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?' It's reverse world!" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How can WE help YOU? (The hopes of your children)

Next week, first lady Melania Trump is going to Africa on a humanitarian visit. When she gets there, people will be like, "How can WE help YOU?" --Jimmy Fallon

Africa will be Melania's first big solo trip as first lady. In response Donald was like, "I love Africa. It's my favorite song by Toto." --Jimmy Fallon

Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which will be great until they all politely vote themselves off. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In Your Guts You Know He's Nuts (major chaos)

I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they're starting to run out of locations. They just announced that next season is being held at a Costco on a Saturday. --Jimmy Fallon

Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of "Westworld," the show about robots that look identical to humans, and cause major chaos. Or as it's also known, Facebook. --Jimmy Fallon

A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong, when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Survivor: Justice Department Island (Hindsight is 2020)

Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding. On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.” –Stephen Colbert

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff Sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.” –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Curb Your Enthusiasm - The Survivor

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone (Trump Fish)

Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose. –James Corden

I understand to get to the White House he won an “Amazing Race.” Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the “Survivor.” Even though, according to the popular vote, he was “The Biggest Loser.” But this is “The Real World.” –James Corden

In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone. –James Corden

That's like being MVP of the Knicks (they got the idea from the Third Reich)

"CBS announced that this season of 'Survivor,' the teams will be divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich." --Conan O'Brien

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the Bush administration? That's like being MVP of the Knicks." --David Letterman

American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle (Cheney Halloween mask)

"The new season of 'Survivor' is going to be dividing up the tribes by race. They said they got the idea from Karl Rove." --Bill Maher

"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." --Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment in Hungary. See, I don't think President Bush really prepares for these trips. Geography is not his area. He told the people of Budapest that although he believes in Jesus, he respects their leader, Buddha, as well." --Jay Leno

locked and loaded (translates to 'kind of penis')

"North Korea's Kim Jong-il acknowledged Monday he was developing a nuclear missile program 'to deter attacks from the West.' It's called the Taepo-Dong. Before you laugh, you should know that in Korean, that translates to 'kind of penis.'" --Jon Stewart

  

"CBS announced that this season of 'Survivor,' the teams will be divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich." --Conan O'Brien

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

I don't think al Qaeda has the guts (he's not that fanatical about you)

"According to Kola Boof, 'Whitney Houston was the one name that would be mentioned constantly. She was brainwashed by American culture and her husband, Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed.' Ladies, there's an important lesson here. If your guy's always talking about killing another woman's husband, it just means he's not that fanatical about you." --Stephen Colbert

"The new season of 'Survivor' is going to be dividing up the tribes by race. They said they got the idea from Karl Rove." --Bill Maher

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon -- who said we either fight them over there or we fight them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't think al Qaeda has the guts." --Bill Maher

they got the idea from the Third Reich ( trapped at the Christmas party with Geraldo)

"I've got some good news. Over the weekend two Fox News journalists, who had been kidnapped in the Middle East, were released. Afterwards, the Fox News journalists said it was the worst experience since being trapped at the Christmas party with Geraldo." --Conan O'Brien

"CBS announced that this season of 'Survivor,' the teams will be divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich." --Conan O'Brien

"Astronomers think that the planet Earth will be sucked into a black hole, swallowed by a black hole. I believe the last time that happened, someone got impeached." --David Letterman

"Hey, Happy Birthday President Clinton. He turned 60 years old on Saturday. You know, President Clinton's at that age now when he stains the carpet, he's not even having fun. Actually, I got an invitation to the party. You see, it says you are cordially invited to the party. It runs from 8:00 to whenever Hillary shows up." --Jay Leno

The Incredible Shrinking President (Fred bin Laden)

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"On 'Dancing with the Stars' the other night, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson is gone. He got the least number of votes. A Republican stopped by a lack of votes -- when does that ever happen?" --Jay Leno

"In this week's election in Delaware, a Republican candidate for the state House named Ulysses S. Grant won the primary. He said he thinks having a famous name helped him win. Although it didn't do anything for his opponent, Fred bin Laden." --Jay Leno

Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

For the third year in a row, Washington, D.C., was named the fittest city in American, mainly because Michelle Obama goes around slapping pizza out of everyone's hands. –Jimmy Fallon

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon