He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table (a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries)

In Maine, a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries caught fire on the highway. Crap, now I need a new tractor trailer said JB Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon told Megan Kelly to go F herself after seeing her reaction to Joy Reid's firing. He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album (Revolution of Tenderness)

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

Kanye West tweeted a photo of a Donald Trump-signed copy of Time Magazine’s Person of the Year issue. Trump signed it, “To my good friend, Ben Carson.” –Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis is launching a campaign he calls the "Revolution of Tenderness." It’s the first papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Duck Dynasty and the guy in the Chewbacca bikini (sustainable cease-fire)

 

"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Pope Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many nonbelievers happen to be flammable'." --Jon Stewart

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

No matter what your job is, always try and make it interesting (it puts me right out)

According to a new survey, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are tied in Florida. Hillary is winning with Jews and Hispanics, and Trump is winning with meth and bath-salt dealers. –Conan O’Brien

In an upcoming interview with Fox News' Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, "this could happen again." Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman. –Conan O’Brien

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

PLEASE give her some more hush money (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.” —Jimmy Fallon

A lawyer for Stormy Daniels went on Megyn Kelly’s show today and said, “She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail.” Then Americans were like, “PLEASE give her some more hush money.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why her talent for the pageant was... (George Bush cabinet)

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (88%)

June 2014

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson 

"People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale." –Craig Ferguson

"A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

some are citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing (Something Important)

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden released an audio tape today claiming more attacks on U.S. soil were imminent, yet also offering a truce to help rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which I guess is sort of an olive branch. A burning olive branch. It's a mixed message. Now, first of all, Osama said he offered a truce because polls show the majority of Americans are against the war. Here's what he doesn't understand. That's the war in Iraq. Everybody over here is pretty much in favor of bombing the %#$@ out of you." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer (The drug against wars)

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

In an upcoming interview with Fox News' Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, "this could happen again." Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman. –Conan O’Brien

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney says he gives Obama high marks on getting bin Laden. He said, 'Trust me, I know how hard it is to shoot someone in the face.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor (We Stand Together)

Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, “I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.” He said that at 5:45 a.m. You have to hand it to him, Trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history (definitely Jewish)

December 2013

"Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you'd think he get a note from Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish." –Conan O'Brien

"It's really starting the look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history." –Conan O'Brien

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile? (Person of the Year)

December 2013

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being 'genderless and infertile.' My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?"  –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to 'Big Bang Theory's' Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry    

 

He is weak and stupid and that is good for us (why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?)

Jon Stewart, on past White House comments that Americans shouldn't change their energy consumption habits because the American lifestyle is "a blessed one" with "a bounty of resources": "If it's so blessed, why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?"

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"Now, the highlight for many people last night was Michelle Obama's speech. Listen to the liberal media rave [on screen: Fox News' Chris Wallace and ex-White House adviser David Gergen praising the speech, which New York Times' David Brooks says no one could 'have a heart of stone' about]. Really? Did you see this? [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying he found the speech 'generic')]. To be fair, Bill Kristol does not actually have a heart of stone. He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts. Fortunately, Kristol was not the only commentator who saw through Michelle Obama's facade of warmth, competence and likability. So did Fox News's Megyn Kelly [on screen: Kelly interviewing Howard Wolfson over Obama's speech, if you replace her use of the word 'world' with 'country'']. Exactly. Whenever I replace words in Michelle Obama's speech with other words, I am very offended. For instance, every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail (PLEASE give her some more hush money)

A lawyer for Stormy Daniels went on Megyn Kelly’s show today and said, “She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail.” Then Americans were like, “PLEASE give her some more hush money.” --Jimmy Fallon

Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare

      

News' Chris Wallace and ex-White House adviser David Gergen praising the speech, which New York Times' David Brooks says no one could 'have a heart of stone' about]. Really? Did you see this? 

[on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying he found the speech 'generic')]. 

To be fair, Bill Kristol does not actually have a heart of stone. He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts. Fortunately, Kristol was not the only commentator who saw through Michelle Obama's facade of warmth, competence and likability. 

So did Fox News's Megan Kelly. 

[on screen: Kelly interviewing Howard Wolfson over Obama's speech, if you replace her use of the word 'world' with 'country'']. 

Exactly. Whenever I replace words in Michelle Obama's speech with other words, I am very offended. For instance, every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare." --Stephen Colbert

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts (sodomy is a PR nightmare)

"Now, the highlight for many people last night was Michelle Obama's speech. Listen to the liberal media rave [on screen: Fox News' Chris Wallace and ex-White House adviser David Gergen praising the speech, which New York Times' David Brooks says no one could 'have a heart of stone' about]. Really? Did you see this? [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying he found the speech 'generic')]. 

To be fair, Bill Kristol does not actually have a heart of stone. He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts. Fortunately, Kristol was not the only commentator who saw through Michelle Obama's facade of warmth, competence and likability. So did Fox News's Megyn Kelly [on screen: Kelly interviewing Howard Wolfson over Obama's speech, if you replace her use of the word 'world' with 'country'']. 

Exactly. Whenever I replace words in Michelle Obama's speech with other words, I am very offended. For instance, every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare." --Stephen Colbert 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

I thought you didn't believe in torture (that is a PR nightmare)

"Now, the highlight for many people last night was Michelle Obama's speech. Listen to the liberal media rave [on screen: Fox News' Chris Wallace and ex-White House adviser David Gergen praising the speech, which New York Times' David Brooks says no one could 'have a heart of stone' about]. Really? Did you see this? [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying he found the speech 'generic')]. 

To be fair, Bill Kristol does not actually have a heart of stone. He has a heart made of Dick Cheney's discarded heart parts. Fortunately, Kristol was not the only commentator who saw through Michelle Obama's facade of warmth, competence and likability. So did Fox News's Megyn Kelly [on screen: Kelly interviewing Howard Wolfson over Obama's speech, if you replace her use of the word 'world' with 'country'']. 

Exactly. Whenever I replace words in Michelle Obama's speech with other words, I am very offended. For instance, every time I replace the word 'hope' with 'sodomy,' oh, that is a PR nightmare." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #JusticeDemocrats

You’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing (there’s a pill for that now)

We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking. –Stephen Colbert

Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you’re not, there’s a pill for that now. –Stephen Colbert

But the thing is, Megyn “Kelly File” isn’t talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She’s talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn’t know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let’s do this: “Newt, sweetheart, you’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing.” –Stephen Colbert

It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna (Straight A’s Academy!)

In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent. –Seth Meyers

Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being “fascinated with sex” by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being “fascinated by sex” and being “horrified by sexual assault.” It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men. –Seth Meyers

Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it “the most exciting thing you’ll ever explain to your grandma.” –Seth Meyers

A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other’s classwork. So good luck to the students at “Straight A’s Academy!” –Seth Meyers

Eli Manning said actually “Trump” is a signal for “Illegal Use of Hands

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out “Trump!” to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually “Trump” is a signal for “Illegal Use of Hands.” –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy. –Conan O’Brien

A new report says North Korea’s elite get to enjoy perks like pizzas, pony rides, and dolphin shows. In other words: Kim Jong Un is running his country like a divorced dad with weekend custody. –Conan O’Brien