"Condoleezza Rice was
in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see
her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'"
--David Letterman
"President Bush’s
speech did have some eloquent, rhetorical flourishes [on screen: Bush saying,
'America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East will leave the
desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty']. From the desert of
despotism to the fertile gardens of liberty? It's actually not that hard to get
to. If you look on metaphorical MapQuest, you head down the Streets of
Suffering, get on the Parkway of Progress, pass the Ranch of Righteousness
merge onto the Freeway of Being Free, stop at the World's Biggest Ball of Hope,
and stay the course, cross over Grand Funk Railroad, and look for the sign,
'Fertile Gardens.' Although, I have to say it's a little confusing, because
there is also an Olive Garden around there as well. The trip is only 3.2 miles,
and the estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years."
--Jon Stewart
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