a large percentage of my audience is terrorists (Adjust your graphics accordingly)

"Those of you following the Iraq war on television know that it has been pre-empted by the summer action-packed replacement series, 'Lebanon.' It's new. It's scary, but it's important for everyone to remain calm and keep the situation in perspective [on screen: various politicians calling the situation World War III]. So rest of the news media, stop calling it a 'regional conflict' or a 'police action.' It's a World War III or IV. Adjust your graphics accordingly." --Stephen Colbert

"Every time the president comes up with a new secret tactic to down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our e-mails, secret prisons. All perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror. Well last week, the New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists." --Stephen Colbert