a giant, green water whore (Omaha bin Laden)

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart