they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government

This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit. –Stephen Colbert

Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government. –Stephen Colbert

Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim. –Stephen Colbert

Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby! –Stephen Colbert