real cowboys only love three things (Grand Imperial Vote Depressor)

Then again, why wouldn’t Ted Cruz win in Texas? Because at the end of the day, real cowboys only love three things. Barbecue, rodeo, and Canadians who went to Princeton and Harvard. --Stephen Colbert

In Mitch McConnell’s home state of Kentucky, anti-gay marriage county clerk Kim Davis lost her re-election. All this time she was worried about gay people getting married, when she should have been worried about them voting. --Stephen Colbert

And in Kansas, a big win for democrats as Lara Kelly has defeated Grand Imperial Vote Depressor Kris Kobach. Kobach, you may remember, is the guy who Trump put in charge of finding those three million illegal voters. So good news Kris. You’ll have plenty of time to look for them now. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ladders/Joseph's amazing Technicolor dream coat

Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused the same-sex marriage licenses, was also at the State of the Union address. She was sporting her meanest scowl and her fullest mullet for the event. She said she was there to encourage all Christians — she even wore Joseph's amazing Technicolor dream coat. –Jimmy Kimmel

A Fort Worth man fell into a large construction hole while walking to purchase lottery tickets. When asked what he would buy if he won, he said, “A ladder.” –Seth Meyers

The main cast of the hit sitcom “Friends” will reunite for a two-hour special in February. The episode will be titled “The One Where You’re Reminded of Your Mortality.” –Seth Meyers

There's a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you

While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, “There's a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump's wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America. –Conan O’Brien

Governor Bobby Jindal's presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the "Duck Dynasty" cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign. –Conan O’Brien

Tesla has debuted a new car which is equipped with a device that instantly clears the air of toxins. Basically you activate it when you're driving behind a Volkswagen. –Conan O’Brien

Why the hell am I living in Kentucky?

Kim Davis says that issuing marriage licenses to gay people violates her religious beliefs. The state of Kentucky says that it's her job. Gay people in Kentucky say, “Why the hell am I living in Kentucky?” –James Corden

Davis was only in jail for four nights. To put that in perspective, Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years and he walked out calmly wearing a suit. Kim Davis was in jail for four nights and she came out like she was about to fight Manny Pacquiao. –James Corden

a flying Prius

Toyota filed a patent this weekend for a wing system that could be an attempt to make a flying Prius. As opposed to what USUALLY creates a flying Prius: a strong gust of wind. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who was held in contempt of court for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, has been released after four harrowing nights in jail. It would have just been three nights, except the jail offices were closed for Labor Day — which is ironic because that's the holiday where we celebrate people who do their jobs. –James Corden