that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance (Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had)

Last week, a federal grand jury charged Hunter Biden, the president’s son, with scheming to evade taxes on income from foreign businesses. The indictment accuses him of spending millions on “drugs, escorts and girlfriends, luxury hotels and rental properties, exotic cars, clothing and other items of a personal nature, in short, everything but his taxes. Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had. —Jimmy Kimmel

They say Hunter made more than $1.6 million in A.T.M. withdrawals. He spent around $683,000 on payments to various women; over $237,000 on health, beauty and pharmacy, which, you thought you had a long receipt at CVS. —Jimmy Kimmel

One hundred and eighty-eight thousand on adult entertainment, and a little over $71,000 on rehab and re-rehab and re-rehab for a grand total of almost $5 million, which is, I mean, that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance. It’s impressive. —Jimmy Kimmel

The White House has reiterated, which, they reiterated that President Biden will not pardon Hunter if he is convicted of any crime, although they didn’t say anything about not dressing him up as a turkey next Thanksgiving and pardoning him then. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety (it’s a short film about being a step mom)

March 2023

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m, of course, talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. —Colin Jost

Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6th attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves that it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a step mom. —Colin Jost

After Walgreens announced they will stop selling abortion pills in 21 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the Take Abortion Leave Abortion tray. —Colin Jost

There is a trend on TikTok of people eating oranges in showers claiming that it reduces and anxiety. But if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety. —Colin Jost

A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners’ knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If this was a matchup of Kardashians, it’d be like Kourtney versus Rob, OK? (Can it still be called the Super Bowl?)

January 2022

“The L.A. Rams are headed to the Super Bowl after a come-from-behind victory over the San Francisco 49ers. The Rams will play the Cinderella Cincinnati Bengals in the lowest-seeded matchup in Super Bowl history, meaning the teams that oddsmakers least expected to make it this far made it. To put that in non-football terms, if this was a matchup of Kardashians, it’d be like Kourtney versus Rob, OK?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Before the season, the Bengals’ odds were 150 to 1. To give you an idea, there are better odds of finding a rapid test at CVS.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But this is the Bengals’ first Super Bowl appearance since the ’80s. A lot has changed since then: Back then, inflation was high, there was tension with Russia, and our president was in his late 70s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And, this is crazy, the Super Bowl is being played in Los Angeles at the Rams’ home stadium. That’s right, even N.F.L. players are working from home.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, we’re two weeks away from the game and experts are wondering, if a Super Bowl doesn’t have Tom Brady, can it still be called the Super Bowl?” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

He sent me a photo of his p*nis looking sad (and all the ingredients for meth)

February 2014

"In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, 'Isn't it a little cramped?' When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, 'It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.' I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint." –Jay Leno

"I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It's really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad." –Jay Leno

"And the worst thing about losing this job, I'm no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for Obamacare." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers (Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one...)

November 2021

“In a recent interview, the C.E.O. of Moderna said scientists he’s spoken to about the new Covid variant, Omicron, agree ‘it’s not going to be good.’ It’s kind of like when the trailer for the movie ‘Cats’ came out — the only thing we knew was ‘Well, it’s not going to be good.’ But we didn’t know the extent of how not good it would be.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Following the news on the Omicron variant, the C.D.C. is now saying that all adults should get a booster shot. Right now, Instagram is like, ‘Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But no one knows for sure, so both Pfizer and Moderna are testing how well their vaccines protect against Omicron. Unfortunately, they won’t know the results for two weeks, at the earliest. Evidently, the scientists are stuck in a container off the coast of China.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now for the bad news: Omicron does appear to be evading vaccines. It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now, you know? Should I be buying my ‘Spider-Man’ tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? Or should I split the difference and buy ‘Spider-Man’ tickets for the wild animals?” —Trevor Noah

“And also if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it’s not a big deal, all right, people? I see people online being like, ‘We’re gonna get a new shot every year?’ Yeah, you know what? Maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. What, is your life so busy that you don’t have time for that? I guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a CVS. Unless you live in the desert — then it’s gonna be like a five-minute walk to a CVS.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dick and I can show you how to beat it (Dude, I’m way ahead of you)

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

$10,000 to live in a state that's nothing but snowboarding, Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and marijuana. Did you hear that? That's the sound of every recent college graduate moving to Vermont. --James Corden

A New York man is suing the pharmacy CVS for revealing to his wife that he had a prescription for Viagra. During the court hearing, the judge told the man to “please rise.” He said, “Dude, I’m way ahead of you.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Happy Valentine’s Day (Save Me)

Speaking of prisoners, this should be an interesting Valentine’s Day at the White House. For instance, will Donald Trump get flowers from Vladimir Putin? We don’t know. –Jimmy Kimmel

And what about Trump’s wife Melania? Will they spend the night together or will she remain trapped like Rapunzel at their apartment in New York? Melania has a new line of greeting cards. They carry them at CVS: “Happy Valentine’s Day” (open it) “Save Me.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Today is National Kite Flying Day. Why we have this in February, I have no idea. Having National Kite Flying Day in February is like having National Snowman Building Day in July. This is where the kite lobby put it. See, this is the sort of thing President Trump needs to look into if he wants to make America great again. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called...

CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime." –Conan O’Brien

The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months. –James Corden