eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney (their last two beers)

"The New York Times is reporting that, in his last days in office, Vice President Dick Cheney repeatedly went to President Bush to try to get him to pardon Scooter Libby, and he was furious that Bush wouldn't do it. They say Cheney is now bitter. Yeah, as opposed to the happy go lucky zippity-do-da Cheney." --Jay Leno

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fine! Take the armrest! (Fake moos)

Donald Trump responded to Ocasio-Cortez’s plan for a Green New Deal with a bunch of lies. Trump told people at a rally that under her plan, “You won’t even be able to own cows anymore.” Man, Trump is getting really desperate. In two years, he's gone from, "They're going to take your guns away," to, "They're going to take your cows away." No one is outlawing cows. You know what we call that? Fake moos. --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate, laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the courtroom sketch artist made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey (the evils of capitalism)

The jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay writer E. Jean Carroll $83.3 million. That’s how unlikeable he is. For perspective, O.J. Simpson had to pay $33 million for a double murder. —Colin Jost

This trial must have driven Trump crazy. The judge kept telling him to shut up, the jury made him pay three times what the victim asked for, even the courtroom sketch artist made him look like that lady who got her face ripped off by a monkey. —Colin Jost

Spirit Airlines shares have fallen 58% after a federal judge blocked a merger with JetBlue. So now the only way Spirit and JetBlue will merge is midair. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer)

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do I have a candidate for you (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, it's the first recall that made people go out and buy more (There's meat inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?)

March 2023

“Hey, did you guys see this? Today, the Justice Department filed a lawsuit to block JetBlue's merger with Spirit Airlines. It's actually positive news because lately, when we hear about JetBlue merging with another airline, it's on the runway.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news -- I read that Hershey’s is launching a vegan Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I think the bigger story here is, there's meat inside Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? What the hell is going on?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, a popular beer in Australia is being recalled because it was found to have too much alcohol. Yeah, it's the first recall that made people go out and buy more.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He sounds like a 5-year-old telling you what he saw at the zoo (She knows what she did/Fake moos)

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

According to new research, the average female friendship has a lifespan of 16 years. When asked what happens after 16 years, women said, "She knows what she did." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump responded to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s plan for a Green New Deal with a bunch of lies. Trump told people at a rally that under her plan, “You won’t even be able to own cows anymore.” Man, Trump is getting really desperate. In two years, he's gone from, "They're going to take your guns away," to, "They're going to take your cows away." No one is outlawing cows. You know what we call that? Fake moos. --Seth Meyers

Do you ever notice that sometimes when Donald Trump gives a press conference he sounds like a 5-year-old telling you what he saw at the zoo. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll have the Spanish omelet, hold the Spanish (We have a dream)

Check this out. Over the weekend, Trump's pick to be the next U.N. ambassador withdrew herself from consideration. You’ve got to hand it to Trump -- his administration is running so smoothly, that his staff now is now firing themselves. That's amazing when you can get to that level. --Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, President Trump declared a national emergency. Then he immediately went on vacation to Florida. While he was at his golf club, a photo of him standing at the omelet bar went viral. He was like (Fallon as Trump),  "I'll have the Spanish omelet, hold the Spanish." --Jimmy Fallon

Check this out. The other day, a woman gave birth to a baby boy on a JetBlue flight. It was stressful, but now JetBlue can finally say that they had an early arrival. --Jimmy Fallon

You guys, it's Presidents' Day. Happy Presidents' Day, you guys. This morning, President Trump ran downstairs in his pajamas looking for presents under the tree. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said, ‘This is way funnier.’ (or as they call it in the airline world, a ‘Cockpit Block.’)

February 2023

“The NFL used a new type of grass that took two years to prepare, and it was so slippery that the players were falling down on it the entire game. Yeah, always smart to try something new on the biggest game of the year, I think. But the NFL actually released a statement defending the grass. They said, ‘This is way funnier.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Rihanna did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone at home on their 30th chicken wing was like, ‘I also felt a kick.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Imagine it's the first day of kindergarten and your fun fact is that you've done the Super Bowl halftime show.” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden's gonna stop the merger between JetBlue and Spirit airlines. That's right, Biden's gonna stop the merger, or as they call it in the airline world, a ‘Cockpit Block.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim. (The stupid, it burns!)

"A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." –Jay Leno

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." (to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day. --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

At midnight last night, Donald Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Think about it — why just be an airline when you can be both an airline and a flying Porta-Potty? (How did we not see this cancellation coming?)

July 2022

“In business news. JetBlue has officially announced that it will buy Spirit Airlines for $3.8 billion. Yeah, 3.8 billion. Yeah. What’s crazy is that Spirit still charged them $30 for a carry-on bag.” —Trevor Noah

“Yes. JetBlue and Spirit, it’s the perfect marriage between broken TVs and broken planes.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Spirit agreed to a deal with JetBlue and canceled their merger with Frontier Airlines. Today, Frontier was like, ‘Well, it’s Spirit, how did we not see this cancellation coming?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But, I mean, this is a smart move for JetBlue. You know, a lot of people are confused. They’re like, ‘Why?’ But it makes sense. As a business you want to diversify, you know? Think about it — why just be an airline when you can be both an airline and a flying Porta-Potty?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it (Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”)

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!” –Seth Meyers

A JetBlue pilot had to appear in court today after being caught flying into New York’s Kennedy Airport while drunk. Apparently he kept turning on the cabin intercom to tell the passengers how much he loved them. --Seth Meyers

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn’t have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it. --Seth Meyers

During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s $500 for the night and No Kissing (“Finally, they’re gone,” said two Ken dolls)

A new poll shows that President Biden’s approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of 33%. For perspective, that’s less than half the approval rating of Sonic The Hedgehog 2. Sonic 2 features the characters Tails and Knuckles, which are also the names of two gang members Joe Biden claimed he fought in the 1960s. —Colin Jost

A video has also gone viral of President Biden finishing a speech in North Carolina and apparently turning to shake hands with an invisible person. Hey, her name is Kamala. —Colin Jost

JetBlue has made an offer to buy Spirit Airlines. Said Spirit, “It’s $500 for the night and No Kissing.” —Colin Jost

Two Barbie dolls were launched into space for the first time ever aboard the International Space Station. “Finally, they’re gone,” said two Ken dolls. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion (That was Melania?)

Vice President Mike Pence today toured a factory in St. Louis. Pence was like, “It’s so great to be back here in the place where I was built.” –Seth Meyers

"Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion." –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend's debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, "That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point." –Seth Meyers

According to a new book, President Trump and First Lady Melania were seen at Mar-A-Lago on Thanksgiving holding hands and "kissing as if nobody else existed." Meyers as Trump, "That was Melania?" --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but just until the Republican Party can find a viable candidate (Just give us a hint)

July 2020

“On Trump’s idea to postpone the election, Americans were like, ‘How long a delay are we talking about here? Months, like your response to Covid? Years, like your response to Putin? Or decades, like a hug for Don Jr.? Just give us a hint.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Trump on Twitter this morning suggested postponing November’s presidential election, but just until the Republican Party can find a viable candidate.” —Seth Meyers

“No, he can’t reschedule the election. For starters, both candidates are like 200 years old — I mean, we gotta keep things moving.” —Trevor Noah

“When they saw Trump’s tweet, JetBlue was like, ‘Trust us — when he says delayed, he means canceled.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I created the Middle Class. You're Welcome. (the book was way better than the presidency)

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, 'I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.' I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Just like you ran into Vietnam, Cadet Bone Spurs? (Shut up, we need this!)

You guys, it's Presidents' Day. Happy Presidents' Day, you guys. This morning, President Trump ran downstairs in his pajamas looking for presents under the tree. --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, lots of stores had Presidents' Day sales. In fact, today Trump bought 2,000 miles of mattresses for the border. Well, he saw a deal. That’s sweet. --Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, McDonald's shamrock shake is back. Some people said, "Eh, it's a little early." While Americans are like, "Shut up, we need this!" --Jimmy Fallon

Check this out. The other day, a woman gave birth to a baby boy on a JetBlue flight. It was stressful, but now JetBlue can finally say that they had an early arrival. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”