To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it (Was there anyone else there at the time?)

"And Osama bin Laden has released another anti-American speech. And out of force of habit, Barack Obama denounced the remarks and said he wasn't even in the room at the time the statements were being made." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was the beginning of Passover, or as President Bush calls it, 'The Jewish Easter.' You all know the story: Moses crossed the border with thousands of people. He wandered the desert for 40 years. No, I'm sorry that's the Republicans' plan for illegal immigrants." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling (Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers)

Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that’s known in my family, "Thanksgiving." –Conan O’Brien

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers. –Conan O’Brien

In a recent interview, Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, said Donald Trump’s nasty tweet about her looks did not impact her. Heidi Cruz said, "Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Trump just made Kanye the new secretary of Dragon Energy (7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon)

I read about an Orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo. –Jimmy Fallon

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon! --Jimmy Fallon

Today, Kanye West tweeted that he and Trump are brothers and "are both dragon energy." Trump responded saying, "Very cool." In a related story, Trump just made Kanye the new secretary of Dragon Energy. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Push button. We'll hear ya! (the Jim Belushi of Central America)

 

Fidel Castro's stepping down as the leader of Cuba. He'll be replaced by his brother, Raul. It's true, yeah. According to the State Department, Raul Castro is the Jim Belushi of Central America." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, after hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job (Putin Puppet)

"Yesterday, at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. Yeah, after hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of cheating, Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday (Hey, I thought we were Muslim)

March 2013

"Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour." –Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday." –Conan O'Brien

"Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I thought we were Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is no way for the assistant commander of the space force to behave (don’t let him in — he’s 3,000 years old)

“Traditionally on Passover, you save a place for Elijah and someone gets up and checks to see if he’s at the door. But this year, if he’s there, don’t let him in — he’s 3,000 years old.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, the vice-poodle seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the space force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, all the experts agree that the only way out of this pandemic is to increase, in any way possible, widely available, reliable testing. So, naturally, it was announced yesterday that the White House will end federal support for coronavirus testing sites on Friday. Why is Trump opposed to the testing? Someone tell him they’re coronavirus tests, not paternity tests!” —Stephen Colbert

“The federal government will end funding for coronavirus testing sites this Friday, with some locations shutting down. You think now is the time to cut off funding for tests? Are you insane? It’s like getting halfway through surgery, taking the guy’s spleen out and saying: ‘All right, you can wake him up. He can sew himself back together, that’s the easy part.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Depends on your denomination/Smash that like button/leave meeting

“Easter, I’m sure you know — or maybe you don’t know. We don’t know anything anymore — is on Sunday. And tonight marks the second night of Passover. I know people who are having virtual Seder and Easter dinners, which is the best we can do, I guess, but also very weird. It’s odd to end a holiday family dinner by pressing ‘leave meeting.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Easter is also this weekend, and it’s going to be a strange one. Instead of celebrating in the church, we’ll be celebrating in sweatpants — or in no pants. Depends on your denomination.” —Stephen Colbert

“Easter doesn’t feel at all exciting this year, probably because I’ve spent the last three weeks driving around looking for eggs already.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I saw that Pope Francis will be streaming Easter Mass on YouTube. You know these are strange times when Easter Mass ends with ‘Be sure to like and subscribe. Smash that like button.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

beaten with sticks/Bar Mitzvah certificate/X-ray vision

"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O'Brien 

"This week President Bush urged the Senate to give him line item veto power. Later the president said that line item veto power would be nice, but what he really wants is X-ray vision." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So some good may come out of this (it was immediately eaten by 28 million people)

"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien 

"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il's birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun (Nor'passover)

"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

"In New England we call it a Nor'easter. When President Bush heard about this, he got very confused. He said, 'Does this mean next week we'll have a Nor'passover?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Fox News Changes Its Name! (Festival of Missing Writers)

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won’t meet with him. Putin said, "Sorry but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election." –Conan O’Brien

Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that’s known in my family, "Thanksgiving." –Conan O’Brien

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Bush is just slightly more popular than herpes now (no one over here takes that stuff seriously)

"Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it (flowers and candy)

"He was booed. Cheney said he was very surprised. He thought he'd be greeted as a liberator with flowers and candy." --David Letterman, on Cheney throwing out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener

"President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it." --Jay Leno

"The White House will celebrate Passover. That's when President Bush will take a secret, classified document and pass it over to a reporter." --Jay Leno

President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people (on the other hand...)

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was the beginning of Passover, or as President Bush calls it, 'The Jewish Easter.' You all know the story: Moses crossed the border with thousands of people. He wandered the desert for 40 years. No, I'm sorry that's the Republicans' plan for illegal immigrants." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo

On Saturday, Beyoncé released a surprise album called “Lemonade” where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary's found her running mate! –Jimmy Fallon 

Apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever. –Jimmy Fallon

I read about an Orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo. –Jimmy Fallon

Wait, this still isn't marijuana?

The presidential election has shifted its focus to New York. And a lot of candidates are already here campaigning. It’s the first time that the city that never sleeps is like, "Well, good night." –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton was campaigning in New York today and actually visited Yankee Stadium. Bernie Sanders spent the entire day looking for the Brooklyn Dodgers. "They were here when I left! Where did they go? Where are they?" –Jimmy Fallon

On the Republican side, I saw that Ted Cruz visited a matzah factory in Brooklyn. Of course, matzah is the unleavened bread that Jewish people eat for Passover, and Ted Cruz is the presidential candidate that New Yorkers will definitely pass over. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, “Wait, this still isn't marijuana?” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program

“Happy Holiday weekend! This, of course, is both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you see what Mitt Romney did tonight? I think he's trying too hard to get votes; he went to a Seder dressed as the Easter bunny.” –Jay Leno  

“Today was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll - or, as the Republicans call it, 'President Obama's Socialist Egg Redistribution Program.'” –Jay Leno 

"Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Romney would've gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel



"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel 

So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien 
 


"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien