I know many of you have made a decision not to read it (Let's do it again!)

"Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that." –David Letterman

"That's right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has a new book called 'Decision Points.' I know many of you have made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She said that she once had a date on a satanic altar? (more work for Tina Fey)

"Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin is on 'Dancing With The Stars.' And I'm telling you something, you can't get any bigger star than the daughter of a vice presidential loser. That's as good as it gets there." –David Letterman

"The Republican candidate from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, it turns out she's a practicing witch. And if she wins, and goes to the Senate, she'll be the first practicing witch in Washington since Barbara Bush." –David Letterman

"I shouldn't say that. Barbara Bush, of course, was a lovely woman, and also the Quaker Oats guy." –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell says that she once had a date on a satanic altar? Well, who hasn't?" –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You Might Be An A**hole If... (Then he'll never find it)

"The vice president of Iran 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman

"But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he'll never find it." --David Letterman

"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm glad he's not at this funeral. He'd ruin the mood (Now, everyone smile and say, 'He's not coming!')

This weekend, family, friends, and dignitaries gathered in Houston to celebrate former first lady Barbara Bush, who passed away at 92. It was a beautiful ceremony befitting of the wonderful life that she lived. And at the gathering, there was a rare group photo featuring the Bush family, the Clintons, the Obamas, and Melania Trump. The photographer was like, "Now, everyone smile and say, 'He's not coming!'" --James Corden

President Trump did not attend the funeral. The White House said they didn't want him to be a distraction. Only Donald Trump could make people say, "I'm glad he's not at this funeral. He'd ruin the mood." --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Congressional blindfolds (Dunk Steadman booth)

"Fred Thompson is all over the news. He'll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he's very popular, but, here's why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that's his wife. [on screen: A picture of Fred Thompson with wife Jeri.] America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that's her huge estate on Montecito, California. It's projected to raise $3 million, $2 million of which is expected to come from the 'Dunk Steadman' booth." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Congressman Fidel Pol Pot Bin Hitler (Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape)

"Tonight, is Barack Obama a Muslim? I examine the facts and come up with a 'Yes' anyway. This race has gotten downright ugly. The Democratic Party is self-destructing like a ... the Democratic Party. Nothing else, nothing else eats itself quite so enthusiastically. So join me tonight as I celebrate the implosion of the American left in my new segment: [on screen: Democralypse Now, The Delightful Dismemberment of the Democratic Hopescape]. 

This week, Clinton advisor Geraldine Ferraro ripped Barack Obama to journalistic powerhouse the Daily Breeze, which covers the south bay area of Los Angeles and has a daily circulation of the people who find it on the bus. [on screen: clip of Ferraro saying Obama's lucky to be who he is]. That's right, Barack Obama is lucky to be who he is. He is lucky to be Barack Hussein Obama. 

His free ride is rivaled only by Congressman Fidel Pol Pot Bin Hitler. Ferraro has since resigned, but refused to apologize, and folks, there's no reason she should. Once you pass 70, you can say whatever you want about black people, and Chinamen. I can't wait." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

On Making a Case for War (You promised me you would be in gabardine)

"Last night in Washington, our President George W. Bush, 43rd President of these United States, delivered his seventh and some would say final State of the Union address [on screen: Bush saying, 'The state of the union will remain strong']. Added the president, 'I've done everything I could to jack this union up these past years, but union, you beat me. I tip my hat to you. You're a hell of a union.' But it was a big night. Everybody who was constitutionally mandated to be anybody was there. Hillary Clinton in a stunning red dress looking radiant, proving she would be the most electrifying cutaway. Son of a bitch, no! [on screen: FLOTUS Laura Bush also in red]. No! Damn you, Laura Bush! You promised me you would be in gabardine." --Jon Stewart

"Of course, this was the president's final chance to state his case for his presidential legacy. For the man who came to Washington as a uniter, for him to tout the great bipartisan accomplishments of his seemingly freakishly long presidency [on screen: Bush saying, 'Six years ago we came together to pass the 'No Child Left Behind Act']. And that was it. It seems that as the president comes to the end of his two terms, he has finally realized the best way to get things done for you is for you to do it [on screen: Bush saying, 'We must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions. We must trust in the creative genius of American researchers. We must trust in the wisdom of founders. We must trust in the skill of our scientists. We must trust American workers. We must trust patients and doctors. We must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership']. By the way, when he says we must trust Americans, he doesn't mean like the royal we as in him. I think we know his position on trusting us [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm the decider']." --Jon Stewart

The only place Bush doesn't want any drilling, Brokeback Mountain

"President Bush said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"In a 58-42 vote on Tuesday, the Senate confirmed Samuel Alito as the nation's next Supreme Court Justice, meaning if you want an abortion, you'd better hop to it." --Tina Fey

"Aman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number two man, emerged in a video on Monday, calling President Bush a failure. Even worse, he's asked that George senior and Barbara come in for a parent-terrorist conference." --Amy Poehler

Sure the Bushes were using a tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik involved

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno

"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher

"Who was it that we find out finances Neil's software company? The United Arab Emirates. The same folks who were going to guard our ports. Sure the Bushes were using a tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik involved." --Bill Maher

she had to ask the male hooker to pass the potatoes

"This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?'" --Conan O'Brien

"First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen. Somebody snatches her purse. What was in that purse, her father's plan for Iraq. Now we have to start all over again. A lot of people wondering if President Bush will be mad at his daughter for losing her purse. Hey, he lost the House and Senate." --Jay Leno

"The pastor, Ted Haggard, had a big Thanksgiving dinner at his house, it was a little awkward for the wife though, especially when she had to ask the male hooker to pass the potatoes." --Jay Leno

Thanks a lot, DAD. This is just like Little League!

Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara were in attendance for the debate. Or as Jeb put it, “The first debate I'm NOT in is the one you show up to?? Thanks a lot, DAD. This is just like Little League!" –Jimmy Fallon 

A company in Boston built a 5 foot 9 robot that can open doors, and can actually get back up if it's punched. They didn't MEAN to test whether it can get up after being punched, but well, it's Boston. –Jimmy Fallon

Super Tuesday could be do or die for a lot of candidates, including Ted Cruz, who could be knocked out of the race depending on how things went tonight. Cruz said that dropping out would allow him to spend more time with his family, then his family said, “We gotta get this guy some votes!” –Jimmy Fallon

I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.”

Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words “life expectancy for old man in snowy weather.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jeb pulled out the big gun. He had his mother, Barbara, out campaigning for him this week and they did a bunch of interviews together. It was really funny to see Jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom — it looked like a parent-teacher conference. –Jimmy Kimmel

The New Hampshire primary was today and in Dixville Notch, the first town to complete voting, Republican candidate John Kasich won, beating Donald Trump by just one vote. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.” –Seth Meyers

expecto patronum

Jeb Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, joined him on the campaign trail yesterday for the first time. Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. –Seth Meyers

A YouTube user named The Food Surgeon has released a new video showing how to replace the peanut butter in a Reese’s cup with Oreo filling. The way it works is, you lose your job and then it just kind of happens organically. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell from the book series is the protective spell "expecto patronum." Incidentally, expecto patronum is also the spell Maury Povich uses to determine whether or not you’re the father. –Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Melania, keep clicking!

Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson did say he's tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night’s presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, “Melania, keep clicking!” –Seth Meyers

According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is “is Jeb Bush still running for president?” Even worse, it’s the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush’s computer. –Seth Meyers

aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game

"A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congrats to former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary yesterday, and it's actually the longest presidential marriage since John Adams. Or as Barbara calls Adams, 'my first love.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game." –Jimmy Fallon



Oh, wait a minute. That's her father.

 "President Bush's daughter Jenna was cited for underage drinking. That's too bad, when you see something like that happen. She was apparently slurring words, couldn't remember the alphabet. Oh, wait a minute. That's her father." —David Letterman

 "Jenna and Barbara Bush celebrated their 21st birthday last week with a party at the Cheers Shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 p.m. and will end in 19 years." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, turned 21 on Monday. After receiving their birthday cake, Barbara and Jenna made a wish and then blew a .25 on the breathalyzer. ... The White House would not release a statement on how the twins celebrated the milestone, but they did say Dick Cheney's undisclosed location was totally trashed." —Craig Kilborn

Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

"Newsweek magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same mistakes as his father did, you know like letting his kids get involved in politics." —Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno

Advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno

"Jenna and Barbara Bush celebrated their 21st birthday last week with a party at the Cheers Shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 p.m. and will end in 19 years." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, turned 21 on Monday. After receiving their birthday cake, Barbara and Jenna made a wish and then blew a .25 on the breathalyzer. The White House would not release a statement on how the twins celebrated the milestone, but they did say Dick Cheney's undisclosed location was totally trashed." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

Enough? How about at least one too many.

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher



"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher



"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it." –Bill Maher