eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How much will you guys give me for the Grand Canyon? (How dare Trump pull out of a war!)

“But just take a second to think about what all this means. If Donald Trump does win a second term, his creditors will come asking for their $400 million while he is still president, and I don’t know about you, but that has me worried, because I don’t want the president’s decisions for the country getting influenced by his deep financial troubles. And also because there’s a good chance that Trump is going to pay off his debt by selling off American treasures. [imitating Trump] ‘How much will you guys give me for the Grand Canyon?’” —Trevor Noah

“But what this Times story exposes isn’t just that Trump is bad at paying taxes. It’s that he’s even worse at business. The New York Times investigation laid bare Trump’s flailing business empire, in which his core operations – golf courses and name-brand hotels – reported millions or tens of millions in losses year after year. In 2018 alone, Trump businesses reported $47.4 Million in losses. And Trump personally owes a debt of $421 Million – one that could come due during his second term in office if he’s re-elected. Can I just say, if you decided to lend $420 Million to Donald Trump, that’s on you. I hope he doesn’t pay you back, because you are the one person on earth worse with money than he is.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Do I have a candidate for you (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The state is... (In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest)

Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and her six children. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump is considering opening federal parkland to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon. –Conan O’Brien

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." (to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day. --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

At midnight last night, Donald Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I could have used seals? (Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon)

"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien

Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and her six children. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump is considering opening federal parkland to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon. –Conan O’Brien

A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that turned out to be John Kasich. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac (Ironman 7)

October 2013

"Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry – while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac." –Jimmy Fallon

"We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full 'Ironman' sequel per day. We could be up to 'Ironman 7' tomorrow." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now Arizona has two Grand Canyons (But hey, that’s Indian food for you)

October 2021

A new report shows that President Biden is on average 22 minutes late for public events. Worse, he only does it to appeal to black voters. —Michael Che

A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But hey, that’s Indian food for you. —Michael Che

A new study shows that coronavirus can cause infertility in men. See, so it’s not all bad. —Michael Che

A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now Arizona has two Grand Canyons. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list (so he's switching back to Viagra)

February 2012

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he's now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he's switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He's using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he's a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn't Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn't that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they've never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

caught stirring guacamole with your skateboard (The Rescue Plan)

 

August 2020

“I think we should put Trump on Mount Rushmore, but not a carving. I think we should actually put him on Mount Rushmore — no phone, no internet, problem solved.” —Trevor Noah

“And even if there was a process to get on Mount Rushmore, I am pretty sure presiding over the preventable deaths of 160,000 Americans and the worst economic crash since the Great Depression would be disqualifying. That’s like asking your boss at Chipotle when you’re getting your employee-of-the-month plaque after you get caught stirring guacamole with your skateboard.” —Seth Meyers

“Besides, I’m pretty sure the other presidents would be weirded out having Trump next to them. They’d all scooch over to one side of the mountain like passengers on the F train after a dude takes a dump.” —Seth Meyers

“Turns out a fifth president can’t be added to Mount Rushmore because the rocks around it are unstable. Actually, the more I think about it, having something unstable means he’s already a part of Mount Rushmore.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think Trump’s wasting his time at Mount Rushmore. If he wants something carved into rock that looks like him, the orange hue of the Grand Canyon is a much better option.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists? (51% of our congress are Millionaires)

“President Obama is going to be on ‘The View.’ Who says this guy isn’t willing to confront radical extremists?” -David Letterman

“Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don’t know how this happened, but she’s marrying Levi Johnston.” -David Letterman

“A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that’s just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids.” -David Letterman

"Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant (Two Wild and Crazy Guys)

A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump is considering opening federal parkland to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon. –Conan O’Brien

Today President Trump tweeted, “Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!” And this is historic — it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka (Wait, you wanted me to save those?)

Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka." –Seth Meyers

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. "Wait, you wanted me to save those?" said his doctor. –Seth Meyers

Last night was the big season premiere of “Dancing With the Stars.” And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, “They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!” –Jimmy Fallon

To your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien