Dick Van Dyke busts rockets (frumpy a** chinos)

New research suggests that men with stronger sperm may live longer than men with weaker sperm. So you know what that means. Dick Van Dyke busts rockets. —Colin Jost

A fired Starbucks manager is suing the company, claiming he faced egregious discrimination from gay coworkers for being heterosexual, while his gay coworkers said he should sue Old Navy for selling him those frumpy ass chinos. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the town’s silver bullets (Sit, werewolf, sit)

“Trump also proved that revenge is a dish best served stupid by firing Vindman’s twin brother, an army lieutenant colonel who worked as a lawyer on the national security council. It’s always been my fantasy to fire twins. With the firings, Trump overruled the advice of a handful of Republican senators who urged him not to dismiss any impeachment witnesses. How dumb are these senators? You voted not to do the one thing that could’ve taken him down. That’s like saying, ‘Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the town’s silver bullets, that werewolf will really listen to us. Sit, werewolf, sit.’” —Stephen Colbert

“On Monday, Trump met with several state governors and discussed Nato, which he described as ‘going down like a rocket ship’. Oh yeah, that thing that famously goes down: a rocket ship. This is the man who wants to start space force – before we launch any of those rockets into space, let’s make sure they’re pointed in the right direction.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump also fired Lt Col Alexander Vindman, a Ukraine expert on the national security council for testifying in the impeachment trial, though Trump told reporters it was just because he was not happy with Vindman. First of all, no one expects you to be happy with him because you’re never happy, period. You’ve lived the most charmed life of any human being on the planet and yet you’re constantly scowling. Your face only has two modes: angry scowl, or meatloaf that’s been in the oven too long.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dick Van Dyke Supports Bernie (a sign of success?)

With impeachment now on the horizon, Trump went to his happy place: anger. On Tuesday night at a campaign rally in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Impeachment was clearly on the president’s mind, with Trump bragging it was only, at two articles, “impeachment lite”. Yes, it’s impeachment lite – America’s going on a diet, we’ve got to lose 239lb of dead weight.” --Stephen Colbert

“At the same rally, Trump also mocked his Democratic rivals, complaining that Elizabeth Warren ‘opened that fresh mouth of hers’. Wow, ‘fresh mouth’ – that is some old-school sexism. Or maybe Trump’s just not used to women talking: [imitating Trump] ‘Why can’t they be more like my wife, OK? She never says a word, or makes eye contact, she just sits there staring into the middle distance, clutching a Christmas ornament until it explodes in her hand.’” --Stephen Colbert

“The Afghanistan report shows how the government manipulated vast details of the war to paint an untrue portrait of success. They used numbers they couldn’t back up, they hyped small successes when they knew the big picture was getting worse, and they even tried to spin suicide bombings as a sign of success.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude (Once Again, Foreigners Shower Trump)

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

A CBS headline reads, “There Is Now Only One Blockbuster Left On The Planet.” The honest headline should have read, “You Haven’t Won Yet Netflix.” --James Corden

A headline from CNN reads, “A Man Bought 540 Dollars In Cookies So These Girl Scouts Can Escape The Cold.” The honest headline should have read, “Sure Buddy, That’s What They All Say.” --James Corden

A headline in The Times reads, “Foreign Leaders Shower The Trump Family With Over $140,000 Worth Of Gifts.” The honest headline should have read, “Once Again, Foreigners Shower Trump.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

getting your Bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars (Breaking the previous record of one)

Last week HBO aired “Leaving Neverland,” a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. --Michael Che, SNL

A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one. --Michael Che, SNL

President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed Bibles for them. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your Bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either. --Michael Che, SNL

Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear makeup and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”