the first person not to brag about running a marathon (one of them suggested karaoke)

Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.-- Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Teammates (Classic Jesus or Republican Jesus)

It was announced that “Space Jam 2” is in the works, and the movie will star LeBron James. It’ll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe teammates — or as LeBron calls them, “teammates.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion (Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

"After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

“Wait, which porn site,” said your husband just now (Wait, how much does it pay?)

Joe Biden rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?” —Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani launched a podcast called Rudy Giuliani Common Sense. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pants pocket. 

—Colin Jost

Derek Jeter was voted into the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writer’s Association but was one vote shy of aa unanimous decision. In case you were wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife. —Colin Jost

 A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed users’ identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site,” said your husband just now. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president (I'm pretty much over it)

"President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president." –Jay Leno

"And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, 'Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

They might have to call up Winona Ryder from Columbus (unlimited use of the corporate Greyhound)

We were going through some contract negotiations with a CBS and it worked out pretty good for me. They are all over me, they are kissing up to me. And listen to this, now for the first time ever I get unlimited use of the corporate Greyhound. Anywhere I want to go. --David Letterman 3/12/2002

The New York Yankees are down there at spring training and they had some trouble. They had to release the outfielder Ruben Rivera. Did you hear this story? They catch the guy allegedly going through Derek Jeter's locker. He's stealing stuff out of Derek Jeter's locker and then he's selling it on eBay. So they said well we don't think we can have that going on here. So you know what this means? They might have to call up Winona Ryder from Columbus. --David Letterman 3/12/2002

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jeb Bush is excited to get back to losing (healthcare extortion)

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it’s pretty much the same as his old plan: He’s not gonna pay them. –Seth Meyers

According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing. –Seth Meyers

Today was first lady Melania Trump’s birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush

I read that the Republicans’ spending package does not include any money for Trump’s border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, “Get me the CEO of Lego.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie says that he’d give Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon.” –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats