How would you like to pay for that? (the dignity that he one day hopes to have)

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin "Cheesehead." Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people (not Osama bin Laden)

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that a NASA spacecraft, “Juno,” that launched in 2011 is scheduled to arrive at Jupiter in July to take pictures of the planet. When asked what kind of camera it brought, Juno was like, “Crap!” --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So what are you in hell for? (How dumb is you?)

While most eyes have been trained on Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial in New York, we are looking at America’s other major political corruption trial: that of the New Jersey senator Robert Menendez.

The 70-year-old senator faces 16 counts of federal bribery charges for allegedly conspiring with his wife, Nadine, to accept bribes from wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of Qatar and Egypt. The prosecution’s evidence recovered from Menendez’s house includes boots stuffed with cash, gold bars, a Mercedes-Benz convertible, furniture, exercise equipment and cash found in the lining of the senator’s embroidered congressional jacket.

Upon returning from a trip to Egypt, Menendez also Googled “how much is one kilo of gold worth?” Menendez has proclaimed innocence. According to the New York Times, he said his cash habit was the result of “traumatic” family history. [As Menendez] “They are simply my emotional support gold bars? Whenever I’m not with them, I get anxious. We respond to trauma in different ways.”

But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in America’s most respected legislative body. It’s like a license to print money. You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so fucking lucrative. The trial occasioned a new Daily Show segment: “Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you?”

As Stewart explained: “Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side? It’s bush league when as a US senator you can enrich yourself in so many different, let’s call them ‘legal’, ways.” The host let Menendez in on the workings of insider trading, writing laws that benefit a side business, “like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies” and leadership PACs that essentially operate as lobbyist slush funds. “A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some NyQuil,” he said, “but through the Pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for Senator Kristen Gillibrand, luxury resorts for Ted Cruz and even golf lessons for Rand Paul.

“At every turn, our Congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption and get on with your bad selves,” Stewart added. “Robert Menendez’s gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt, but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez … how dumb is you?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know the difference between a cat and a politician? (parking in the rear)

"Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration's credibility. It's all in his new book here, it's called 'Duh.'" –Jay Leno

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How would you like to pay for that? (Betterluck Jonathan)

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

Researchers are saying that men who marry intelligent women are less likely to develop dementia later in life. After hearing this, Kanye West said, "Where am I?" –Conan O’Brien

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu (smaller barrels)

 

"Even President Bush is starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $1,100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"President Bush approval rating: all-time low. 31%. If Bush could run again in the next presidential election, he'd get beaten by the bird flu." --Jay Leno

"Lots of people are returning gifts this week, and that's just Congressmen. Even President Bush returned $6,000 given to him by that creepy Jack Abramoff guy. But Bush said he hadn't done anything with the money. In fact, it still had the original strings attached." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels of oil produced. Have you heard of his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Budget for a Better America: Finger Lickin’ Good. We Are Farmers. Bah Da Bah Bah Bah. I’m Lovin’ It (permission slips)

Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or . . . pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning. –Stephen Colbert

We know President Trump has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

Happy Budget Day! The president released his 2020 spending plan, which he’s calling “A Budget for a Better America: Promises Kept. Taxpayers First.” Okay, pick a slogan. Just One. That titles got a little junk in the trunk. But Trump overdoes everything. It’s always too much. Originally Trump wanted to call it: “A Budget for a Better America: Finger Lickin’ Good. We Are Farmers. Bah Da Bah Bah Bah. I’m Lovin’ It.” --Stephen Colbert

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor (How would you like to pay for that?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

“Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.”—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why does everyone always spell in front of me? (gold, frankincense and myrrh)

"Well, John McCain's daughter is now writing a children's book based on her father's life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain's early life story is only available through folklore. So there's not much written down." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Barack Obama's birthday. I believe he turned a little to the right, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'" --Conan O'Brien

"He turned 47 years old yesterday, had a big party for him. I don't know who sang happy birthday to him. I think we can rule out Ludacris." --Jay Leno

"Of course, Obama's supporters got him his usual birthday gift of gold, frankincense and myrrh." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Which can only mean one thing — Trump is remodeling his bathroom

The Electoral College met today to cast their ballots for president and vice president. It’s the first college Donald Trump has gotten into without a letter from his father. –Seth Meyers

President Obama recently said that he and Donald Trump most likely have different definitions of political correctness. And just as likely, different spellings. –Seth Meyers

 The price of gold increased today after falling to its lowest level in almost a year. Which can only mean one thing — Trump is remodeling his bathroom. –Seth Meyers