Got anything that’ll distract people from our incompetence? (Reminder)

“To be fair, before leaving town, Congress did tackle the nation’s most pressing issue and passed a bill allowing schools to serve whole milk. I mean, what are the chances of that passing — 1 percent, 2 percent, tops. It’s all part of Congress’s new dairy campaign: ‘Got anything that’ll distract people from our incompetence?’” — Stephen Colbert

“By the way, are kids really out there demanding whole milk? They’re school kids — they want Capri Suns or, at best, milk-flavored vapes.” — Kal Penn

“But, I got to be honest, there isn’t actually a good reason not to expand milk options for kids: Milk is kind of disgusting. Like is that weird that we drink milk as a species? It’s not your mom’s milk. It’s not even your friend’s mom. It’s like a completely different animal.” — Kal Penn

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The end of Rudy Giuliani? Oh, no, that sounds … awesome! (4 out of 5 citizens love democracy!)

This week saw the start of Rudy Giuliani’s defamation trial, with two Georgia election workers having sued him for $43 million in damages. In opening statements on Monday, Giuliani’s lawyer argued that owing such an amount would “be the end of him.” The end of Rudy Giuliani? Oh, no, that sounds … awesome! —Kal Penn

The end of Rudy Giuliani is, like, a best-case scenario. Why is Rudy’s lawyer threatening the jury with a good time? —Kal Penn

“Look, I might feel more sympathy for Rudy if during his defamation trial, he wasn’t outside the courthouse doing more defamation. Like, does he get that every time you do a crime, it’s, like, its own thing? This guy is committing defamation like he’s got the unlimited plan — your crimes don’t roll over to next month, Rudy.” — Kal Penn

“The election staffers that Rudy Giuliani spread these lies about are two Black women, one named Ruby Freeman and her daughter Shaye Moss, and because of what he said about them, they went through absolute hell. According to their lawyer, they were flooded with accusations of treason and threats laden with expletives and racial slurs. They were forced into hiding, and on at least one occasion, Giuliani directed Trump supporters to Freeman’s home. Now, luckily, Rudy’s always too drunk to give good directions.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies — uh, I mean, baggage (I am watching that show)

“No presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies — uh, I mean, baggage — as Hunter, and now the law has finally caught up with him. ” — Kal Penn, The Daily Show

It’s shocking to think the presidential race might come down to who goes to jail first: Hunter Biden or Donald Trump. Although, maybe if we’re lucky, the two of them might end up in a cell together? Like, you throw George Santos in there, and I am watching that show. — Kal Penn

“The L.A. Dodgers signed superstar Shohei Ohtani to the biggest contract in all of sports history, $700 million. Wild, right? That is $1 for every minute it takes to watch one single baseball game.” — Kal Penn

“The Dodgers signed free agent Shohei Ohtani and will pay  him $700 million over the next 10 years. Hot dogs, from now on, will be priced at $500 apiece.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And also, let me just say, it is so great that Asian kids have another athlete to look up to, am I right? But let’s acknowledge it’s also a lot of pressure: [imitating child] ‘Dad, I got 100 on my chemistry test.’ [imitating parent] ‘But only 80 on your fastball — go outside and practice!’” — Kal Penn

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Because that's how you get demons (It’s going to be like Elmo versus Cocaine Bear)

March 2023

“Donald Trump is now blaming Mike Pence for the January 6th attack on the Capitol, which is the presidential equivalent of ‘if the teller had just put the money in the bag, everybody would’ve made it home safe.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Listen, Mike Pence can be blamed for a lot of things, like shampooing with white-out, but he didn’t cause January 6th. They tried to hang him on January 6th. I have to say, I can’t wait to see Pence debating Donald Trump. It’s going to be like Elmo versus Cocaine Bear.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Do you recall when Joe Biden, during his 2020 presidential campaign, promised: ‘No more drilling on federal lands, period. Period.’ Period, period, period … comma, as the Biden administration approved the Willow oil drilling project on federal land in Alaska. Which is disappointing, but hey, when you’re that age, that’s the only kind of drilling you can do.” —Kal Penn

“The drilling project includes a device called the thermosiphon, which keeps the permafrost solid enough for drilling while it simultaneously melts due to global warming. Guess Conoco Phillips has an irony division? I mean, keeping the permafrost alive so they can kill it slowly? That’s like some Silence of the Lambs serial killer shit.” —Kal Penn

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”