She was given a ticket for not having tinted windows (dad bods)

A woman was sentenced to 30 years for her role in hiding a decomposing corpse. So, congrats to law enforcement for finally nabbing Karine Jean-Pierre. —Greg Gutfeld

The Rock was pulled over in Hollywood and given a ticket for having tinted windows. Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin was given a ticket for not having tinted windows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had more leg room in the womb (Salute to Kid Rock)

The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will release their first scratch-and-sniff stamps. That explains why they’ve canceled their "Salute to Kid Rock." --Conan O’Brien

A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. So apparently, another one of Melania's tunnels collapsed. --Conan O’Brien

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence!

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to say happy birthday to SpongeBob SquarePants, who just turned 20. You can tell he's getting old because, today, they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans. --Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from Road House? (Magic Mike's Last Dance)

February 2023

“Another big moment from the night was a tense exchange on the House floor between Senator Mitt Romney and George Santos. Afterwards, Romney said that he told Santos, ‘You don't belong here.’ Then Santos said, ‘You can't talk to me like that. I'm the president.’ Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from ‘Road House’?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Also, I read that, this year, at least 23 million people watched the State of the Union. That's good, yeah. It's always a good sign for democracy when the State of the Union gets as many views as the trailer for ‘Magic Mike's Last Dance’.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news. Bed Bath & Beyond is struggling to stay in business, and they just announced that they are closing 150 more stores. It is bad. Today in the mail, I got a 20%-off coupon to buy Bed Bath & Beyond.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it too late to convince them that the new US capital is Mar-a-Lago? (He's basically the George Santos of the groundhog world)

February 2023

“This week also saw news that North Korea was allegedly trying to create the ‘most overwhelming nuclear force’ for future attacks. Is it too late to convince them that the new US capital is Mar-a-Lago?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter. I read that he's only right 40% of the time. When they heard that, weather.com was like, ‘You’re hired. When can you start?’ Yeah, you can't trust Punxsutawney Phil. He's basically the George Santos of the groundhog world.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, in New York, we've got a groundhog named Staten Island Chuck. And he predicted an early spring. Well, technically he predicted an ‘early friggin' spring.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the bright side, it’s the first positive news Biden’s gotten in months (Dad bods)

July 2022

“The White House announced that President Biden has a mild case of Covid. On the bright side, it’s the first positive news Biden’s gotten in months.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Get well soon, sir. You made it through the Spanish flu; you can make it through this.” —Trevor Noah

“That’s right, Covid isn’t going to slow Joe Biden down because he can’t get any slower.” —Stephen Colbert

“Another reason the president is going to be fine is because, let’s be honest, there’s not much that Covid can do to him. Let’s be honest, the virus is going to get in his body and be like, ‘let’s see what I can do here. Time to get some brain fog, some fatigue, some dizziness – wait, wait, have I already been here? What’s going on?’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living (Magic Mike Pence!)

A headline from Fox News read “Hawaii lawmaker proposes banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone under 100 years old.” The honest headline should have read “Yo mama so old she can buy cigarettes in Hawaii.” --James Corden

President Trump is filing a lawsuit against Capital One Bank. Apparently, Trump really doesn’t want us to know what’s in his wallet. --James Corden

Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. He's really upset with this union. He sent a tweet that said, "I've done more for firefighters than this dues-sucking union will ever do." Then he added, "I have personally donated thousands of dollars to people who slide down poles for a living." --Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The previous record for wetness (Only 2,000 times said my p*nis)

For Christmas, Michael Che and Colin Jost make each other read jokes that they have never seen before...

A church in Massachusetts created a nativity scene that comments on the immigration debate by placing the baby Jesus in a cage….where he belongs. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new study shows that the average American touches their mobile device more than 2,000 times a day. Only 2,000 times said my penis. --Michael Che, SNL

Nigeria’s president Muhammadu Buhari denied for months old rumors that he had died and  been replaced by a look-a-like from Sudan. See, even Africans can’t tell black people apart. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new report shows Hurricane Florence was the wettest hurricane in history. The previous record for wetness was set on the opening night of Magic Mike. --Michael Che, SNL

Last week was National Rosa Parks Day. Or as we call it in my house, “Uppity Bus Passenger Day.” --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”