Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning (He should get fired just for that)

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

"NBC News reported that CIA Director Porter Goss did not resign. They now say he was fired, and apparently didn't know it was coming. Which is pretty bad, when you're the head of the CIA and you don't know what's coming. He should get fired just for that." --Jay Leno

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor (taunted by a matador)

 

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep Dick Cheney quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

 

"Just about now Ken Lay should be arriving in hell." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (That's what the Cayman Islands are for)

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John. She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that (official cause of death was listed as Karma)

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

 

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it (bird feeders)

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

 

"The Senate voted to make English the national language. More bad news for President Bush. Now he's got to learn that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has okayed a deal to let the government of Dubai

control six of our major ports. Boy, first Dick Cheney shoots a guy

in the face, now President Bush shoots himself in the foot."

--Jay Leno

"President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval

Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside,

but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it. " --Jay Leno

 

"A new government study says that millions and millions of dollars of federal money is being wasted every year on frivolous and unnecessary projects. This study was two years in the making, and cost $22 million." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And each time, it was a different wife calling (Hell filed for bankruptcy)

"We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked." –Jay Leno

"President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative." –Jay Leno 

"The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Rudy Giuliani has taken cell phone calls from his wife over 40 times during speeches. 40 times! And each time, it was a different wife calling." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if this is a coincidence or not, but Ken Lay died last week and today, Hell filed for bankruptcy."  --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"It was announced today that George Bush's childhood home in Texas has been turned into a museum. Unfortunately, once you get inside you can't find your way out." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?

"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina/FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

Martha Stewart said she'd wait for him

"A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders." --Jay Leno

"Former CEO of Enron Ken Lay is going away. He's going to be sentenced in September, and it could be 16-18 years. But he got some good news today -- Martha said she'd wait for him." --David Letterman

"Well, there's a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he'll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison." --Jay Leno

and soon, his ass will be in the hands of someone named Jesus (lip-synch)

"The former Governor of New Jersey has written a book in which he said he had a lot of anonymous gay sex with a lot of different men. I'm sorry, that's the book Ken Lay's going to write in a few years." --Jay Leno

"Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty of bankrupting the company and its employees. Both are facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about paying for retirement. During the trial, Ken Lay repeatedly told reporters that the case was 'in the hands of God.' Yea, and soon, his ass will be in the hands of someone named 'Jesus.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman

in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning (VP short list)

On the formula for allocating Homeland Security anti-terror grants: "It's believed to be the total population of your city divided by square mileage times Baptists over synagogues divided by the square root of the number of Waffle Houses over swimming holes. All that times the ratio of guns to Spanish language radio stations times zero. Plus, whether or not where you live voted for Bush. To most Americans, New York isn't even in America. It's more like part of 'Gayjewistan.' If you want to truly preserve the iconic American community, you have to throw money at a certain small town -- a place where everyone knows their neighbor, where you can leave your doors unlocked without fear, where hard work and traditional values are all that stands between you and a better life. It doesn't exist, but it just got $500 million from Michael Chertoff." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

Because I'm the Vice President and You're Not (Godzilla museum)

"Earlier today President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum." --Jay Leno 

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

they had missiles that could reach Graceland (Boy, that Saddam is sneaky)

"We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky." --Jay Leno

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno

"They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over." --Jay Leno

"Just about now Ken Lay should be arriving in hell." --David Letterman

in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (karma)

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart 

Where he's going, why bother? (Hanging Juans)

"Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress. If President Bush really wants to keep his programs a secret, talk to NBC. Some of our programs are so secret, no one has seen them." --Jay Leno

"Earlier last week the leftist candidate was declared the winner in the Mexican presidential election. Then after the recount, the conservative candidate was named president. Apparently, they had some problem with the ballots. They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.'" --Jay Leno

"Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?" --Jay Leno

Does the Devil really wear Prada? (he did the math himself)

"Services were held today for Ken Lay -- convicted thief and crook Ken Lay. They folded his arms across his chest and sowed his sleeves together so he couldn't put his hands in anyone's pockets when they walked by. You know when they say in a eulogy, 'You're all richer for having known him.' I don't think they're going to hear that." --Jay Leno

"If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? Does the Devil really wear Prada?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced that the federal deficit is actually $296 billion less than originally forecast. It's less, yeah. The president credits low unemployment, high job growth, and the fact that he did the math himself." --Conan O'Brien

The Five People You Meet In Hell (space helmets)

"According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie, especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral. At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme." -Jay Leno

"Ken Lay's only been dead a week, but already has a book out. It's called, 'The Five People You Meet In Hell.'" -Jay Leno

"President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien

Americans Are Un-American (Hell filed for bankruptcy)

"Speaking of that, a Fox News crew was shot at on live TV as they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we're not 100% sure who did the shooting, but the interesting part is the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there."  --Jay Leno

"In Russia, President Bush met with 15 pro-democracy activists, who asked him to help stop the Russian government from spying on their citizens and listening in on their phone calls. Bush said, 'Yeah, just give me your name and number.' I think they're barking up the wrong tree."  --Jay Leno

"I don't know if this is a coincidence or not, but Ken Lay died last week and today, Hell filed for bankruptcy."  --Jay Leno