This is a job for alcohol! (They make $10 bills?)

One of the contestants during last night’s Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, “They make $10 bills?” –Seth Meyers

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush? (I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today)

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush?" --David Letterman

"People say Hillary Clinton has a brand new diamond ring, an enormous diamond ring. The last time anybody saw a rock that big, it was going through a window at the Danish embassy." --David Letterman

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just shoved two names together and called it a day (Don’t make me take off my mittens!)

It’s U.F.C.-SPAN all of a sudden. Senator Bernie Sanders, independent of Vermont and the chairman of the panel, had to step in and demand the two behave like U.S. lawmakers. Grandpa Bernie is about to turn this car around, and then nobody is going to Six Flags. That isn’t the first time Bernie Sanders was forced to play the role of peacemaker. You know, when he was originally elected to the Senate, he tried to convince Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton to hug it out, and that didn’t work, either. That didn’t end well at all. — Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Bernie Sanders] Zip it, Bunson Honeydew! Sit down, or I will come over there and redistribute the top 10 percent of my fist to 99 percent of your face! I will split your lip like pea soup! Don’t make me take off my mittens!” — Stephen Colbert

“I knew this dude was trouble from the moment I heard his name, Markwayne, all one word. His parents — his parents didn’t even love him enough to pick one single name for him. They just shoved two names together and called it a day.” — Leslie Jones

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't be coming here with your bullsh*t (Hookers and bribes don't work anymore?)

July 2014

"The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?" –David Letterman

"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman

"On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia." –David Letterman

"North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed." –Craig Ferguson

"And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un's haircut." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My TV says you are a domestic terrorist (the government's got that on tape)

 

"You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk-dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape." --Jon Stewart

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong (I dunno. Ask Beyonce)

July 2013

"Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, 'What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?' And Obama was like, 'I dunno. Ask Beyonce.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong." –Jay Leno 

"According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We talk about senators the way pre-K teachers talk about story time (That’s sleep)

“Adam Schiff laid out a ton of evidence against the president, much of it sound bites of Trump himself, and he invoked the founding fathers and their words a lot. Schiff quoted Alexander Hamilton so many times today, he was nominated for five Tony Awards.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, some senators are playing with their Apple watches, others are solving crosswords and worst of all, a senator from Idaho fell asleep — like ‘asleep’ asleep. Because you know you’ve been sleeping for a long time when an artist has time to sketch your portrait. That’s sleep.” —Trevor Noah

“In this week’s trial, we are very much seeing at least some of the senators live down to the very low expectations they’ve set for themselves. On reports that numerous senators left the trial early, took extended bathroom breaks or were busying themselves with crosswords during testimony, former senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri explained: ‘For senators, this is hard, because they’re used to moving constantly, they’re used to talking constantly, they are not used to listening for long periods of time.’ I love how the hardest thing to ask a senator to do is just shut the fuck up for one lousy day. “You know who else is used to talking and moving and has difficulty listening for long periods of time? Children. We talk about senators the way pre-K teachers talk about story time.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our taxes pay for all these lies – put some effort into it! (WTF fun fact #3488)

“He’s absolutely right — this is insulting. This is insulting not just to Congress — this is insulting to the American people. Has everyone already forgotten what happens when we don’t ask for concrete evidence justifying a military attack against a Middle Eastern country whose name begins with ‘Ira’?” —Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the difference between 2003 and now — I weigh 30 more pounds. Here’s another one: Back then, George W. Bush respected us enough to put some effort into his lies, remember? [Imitating Bush] ‘Saddam Hussein has mobile weapons-labs that ride the rails made of aluminum tubes that can deliver 50,000 barrels of honey-mustard gas hidden on a turkey farm. Saddam will attack us with human-animal hybrids.’” —Stephen Colbert

“So before we give the president authority for more war in the Middle East, Colbert concluded, Americans must “demand better lies. Our taxes pay for all these lies – put some effort into it!” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans (42 percent approval rating-Fun Facts)

from April 2011

"President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, 'Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating." –Jimmy Fallon 

"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Look at me for instance. I’m horrible, and I’m only getting worse (he’d be living in a gazebo!)

President Trump is somehow convinced that Democrats are pro-wall. Donald Trump, “President Obama recently built a wall around his compound. There’s a reason for it. And I don’t blame him.” I don’t blame him either. And I don’t have to because there is no such wall. Colbert as Trump, “Okay, there may not be walls around Obama’s house, but his house does have walls. If Obama were not such a hypocrite, he’d be living in a gazebo!” --Stephen Colbert

President Trump reached back into history to prove why walls work, tweeting “Throughout the ages some things never get better and never change.” Colbert as Trump, “Look at me for instance. I’m horrible, and I’m only getting worse.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

shot in a duel over issues of honor and integrity (Mistaken for a bird)

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

“Fore!” yelled Trump at a random woman he saw (more Bush Red Ink)

After the cast of Broadway’s “Hamilton” addressed Vice President-elect Mike Pence following a show this weekend, Donald Trump demanded they apologize and tweeted, “The Theater must always be a safe and special place.” To which Muslims replied, “Two tickets to the theater, please!” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump spent the weekend at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Fore!” yelled Trump at a random woman he saw. –Seth Meyers

When the theater kid picks on you, you know you truly are the least popular kid in school

Mike Pence got a rude greeting when he attended the musical "Hamilton" over the weekend. He was booed going to his seat and the cast addressed him directly at the end of the show. And this looks bad for Pence. I mean when the theater kid picks on you, you know you truly are the least popular kid in school. –James Corden

The New York Times reports that Trump's wife Melania and 10-year-old son Barron will stay in Trump Tower instead of moving to the White House in January. Apparently Melania doesn't want to pull Barron out of school, and when she was asked about it she was like, "Yeah, yeah, it's because of Barron's school. That is why I don't want to live with Donald." –James Corden

a bunch of people chugging their gravy next to a trash can (Bush Red Ink)

Donald Trump claimed that he decided to settle the Trump University lawsuits so he could focus on running the country. Then he went back to tweeting insults at the cast of “Hamilton.” –Jimmy Fallon

Vice President-elect Mike Pence went to see “Hamilton” over the weekend, and was booed by people in the audience when he entered the theater. And if the crowd wasn't mad enough already, Pence waited until a quiet scene to open up a bag of Skittles. –Jimmy Fallon

The TSA just released a list of Thanksgiving leftovers that you can carry on and others you have to check, saying you can bring turkey on the plane but not gravy. Which will explain things when you’re at airport security and you see a bunch of people chugging their gravy next to a trash can. –Jimmy Fallon

I read about a woman from California who is driving by herself across the country to visit every single Costco in the U.S. So far, she’s traveled 2,000 miles — and that was just walking through one Costco. –Jimmy Fallon

in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (karma)

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

"Now the detainees at Guantanamo will be treated in accordance with the Geneva Conventions. The government is going the extra mile. Each one of them will also be receiving -- and this, I think, is exciting -- a Valpak savings envelope from Smart Shopper. I mean, just a plethora of discounts for airport travel, pizza, dry cleaning, dog food. I tell ya, these guys have really hit the lottery." --Jon Stewart 

So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz

We are now four days away from Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders’ Thursday night debate in Brooklyn, which means Hillary's already tried 600 different ways to ask, "Is Brooklyn in the house? –Seth Meyers

According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders and his wife, on Friday, saw the hit Broadway musical "Hamilton." Sanders said afterwards, "That's not how I remember it." –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders visited Coney Island yesterday. And somehow, after he rode the roller coaster, his hair was neater. –Seth Meyers

And you sir, are no Alexander Hamilton!

We're just three days away from the big Democratic debate right here in New York. And both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have been busy campaigning throughout the city. Bernie even had some time to see the Broadway show “Hamilton” with his wife. Though it got awkward when Bernie stood up and said, “I knew Alexander Hamilton! And you sir, are no Alexander Hamilton!” –Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders said on Friday that his goal for financial reform is to “make banking boring again.” I think I speak for all Americans when I say, let’s just make elections boring again. –Jimmy Fallon

Senator Lindsey Graham said in an interview last week that if he can support Ted Cruz, anybody can do it. You know it's bad when your best endorsement sounds like a bad diet plan. –Jimmy Fallon

Hotel and casino tycoon Steve Wynn is under fire after he said, “Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.” In related news, Donald Trump needs a new opening line for his inauguration speech. –Jimmy Fallon

The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico

Donald Trump’s Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico. –Seth Meyers

One of the contestants during last night’s Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, “They make $10 bills?” –Seth Meyers

Any day now we'll be invading ourselves

"The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?" –David Letterman



"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman



"On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia." –David Letterman