I found there was, within me, an invincible love (If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince)

“These are the five stages of coronavirus. First, you have denial: ‘I’m not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese people, and people on cruise ships get that.’ Second, anger: ‘Why isn’t there any toilet paper at Target? Is everybody nuts?’ Then bargaining: ‘All right, there’s no Purell. Maybe I’ll make my own hand sanitizer with Jergens and vodka.’ But next comes depression: ‘I can’t believe they canceled Coachella. I’m not gonna get to see Carly Rae Jepsen for a year now!’ And finally, acceptance, which is ‘Hey, you know what? If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn't come out because he couldn't hear his name when he was introduced. It's OK, Ben, we know you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (Green for the greater good)

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is the law of capitalism (it's been a big month for mushrooms)

April 2023

“I read about a runner who took third place in an ultramarathon and was later disqualified after admitting that she used a car. The saddest part is that she used a car and still came in third. She would have come in first, but she had to keep stopping for tiny cups of gas.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And for everyone who went a little too hard on 4/20, it's come back to Earth Day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, speaking of Coachella, today the final weekend kicked off. Yep, so between Coachella and the new Super Mario movie, it's been a big month for mushrooms.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses)

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, look how happy he is returning home from Tulsa (the least popular band at Coachella)

“Now according to reports, the reason for this rally was that White House officials wanted to get Trump out of his funk and get him in front of a huge cheering crowd to lift his spirits. And in that regard, it was a great success. I mean, look how happy he is returning home from Tulsa.” — James Corden, on Trump’s less-than-triumphant return to the White House from Tulsa

“I have never seen a person get out of a helicopter looking that sad. He looks like he’s walking home after a wedding where he got stood up at the altar but still had to party because everything was nonrefundable.” —Trevor Noah

“Trump staked his political fortunes and his ego on this rally, and it was such a flop he even had to cancel a planned second speech to what they thought would be an overflow crowd outside before Trump had landed. Crews were literally breaking down the stage because so few people were there. In other words, though he may be president of the US, they’re treating him like the least popular band at Coachella.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump’s performance was just as lackluster as his attendance. You’d think, at a moment like this, the president might want to offer soothing words about the state of the nation and the various crises we face. Instead, Trump spent one of every eight minutes in Tulsa complaining about coverage of his West Point speech. Specifically, mockery of the way Trump tiptoed down a ramp like a toddler on ice skates, and how he drank a glass of water with two hands. In Tulsa, Trump attempted to explain the awkward glass-clutching as a strategy to avoid splashing water on his tie, then turned taking a sip of water into a crescendo moment to cheers from the under-capacity crowd. Seriously, has a president’s base ever set a lower bar? ‘Woo! That arm works! That arm works!’ The crowd cheered the president drinking water with one hand the way NASA cheered when they landed a rover on Mars.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the wall would help – to protect them from us (If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince)

“The White House says they have everything under control, which must be why they delayed the release of a report from the director of national intelligence that says the United States is not prepared to handle a pandemic. One possible reason why we might not be prepared is back in 2018, Trump fired the entire US pandemic response team to save money. But don’t worry, he has a plan. On Tuesday morning, Trump commented ‘we need the wall more than ever’ on a retweet of someone who argued The Wall could save America from coronavirus. There are more than 1,000 confirmed coronavirus cases in America and fewer than 10 in Mexico. So, he’s right, the wall would help – to protect them from us.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“These are the five stages of coronavirus. First, you have denial: ‘I’m not going to get the coronavirus. Only old people, Chinese people, and people on cruise ships get that.’ Second, anger: ‘Why isn’t there any toilet paper at Target? Is everybody nuts?’ Then bargaining: ‘All right, there’s no Purell. Maybe I’ll make my own hand sanitizer with Jergens and vodka.’ But next comes depression: ‘I can’t believe they canceled Coachella. I’m not gonna get to see Carly Rae Jepsen for a year now!’ And finally, acceptance, which is ‘Hey, you know what? If I die, maybe I’ll get to meet Prince.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the one I totaled after driving it straight into a Wendy’s (The only band yet to confirm is The Cure)

“In other bungling response news, Trump falsely asserted enough tests for all Americans would be available ASAP (they’re not) and that those tests were as ‘perfect’ as his call with the Ukrainian president, Volodomyr Zelensky, that fueled his impeachment. You’re comparing the test for a global pandemic to the thing that got you impeached? That’s not a good comparison. That’s like borrowing your friend’s Kia and saying: ‘This reminds me a lot of my last car, the one I totaled after driving it straight into a Wendy’s.’” —Seth Meyers

“Also today, it was announced that, due to coronavirus, the music festival Coachella has now been postponed until October. In fact, headliner Rage Against the Machine has already changed their name to Rage to Get the Vaccine. And that’s not the only musical act that plans to be in Coachella in October. You can also count on Miley Virus, Justin Fever, the Flu Fighters, Pandemic! at the Disco — we got like a hundred of these. The only band yet to confirm is The Cure.” — James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair (Kenny G-had!)

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

"In Afghanistan, they have the al Qaeda Palooza. 'Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for — Kenny G-had!'" –Craig Ferguson

"BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor (Beyoncé’s wind machine)

Thanks to a rule change, babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor. In the spirit of the new rules, today in the Senate, Orrin Hatch had his diaper changed. --Conan O’Brien

Camping at Coachella has been delayed this weekend because of high winds. Then someone realized they just forgot to turn off Beyoncé’s wind machine. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.