beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of (286 days at sea)

Here’s a quick recap of Donald Trump’s low-key actions in the should-be slow month of August: rolling back childhood vaccine requirements, attacking mail-in voting, threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center and suggesting he would bomb American allies such as Oman, as well as all of Iran. 

“God, it never ends with this dude Trump,” Stewart lamented. “I’ve never seen one person work so much and fix so little. It’s exhausting in a way that’s difficult to articulate,” which is why one of the stories from August stuck with Stewart. 

That would be the plight of the USS Abraham Lincoln, the huge aircraft carrier carrying more than 5,000 US sailors and marines, which recently docked in Thailand, rusted and corroded by the elements, after 286 days at sea. 

“This is what we look like as Americans inside after 18 months of this presidency,” Stewart joked next to a photo of the run-down ship. “I want you to think about the visible, tangible, actual, indisputable, factual signs of corrosion on this ship.” Trump, meanwhile, claimed the ship was “beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of”. 

“It’s not!” Stewart exclaimed. “The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better shape than this ship! A ‘beautifully maintained, beautifully taken care of’ ship doesn’t look like the abandoned bridge near my high school where we used to smoke weed. 

“It’s this, the relentless denial of reality that is one of the elements eating away at the foundational load-bearing structures that hold this country together,” he added. 

The other corrosive element? The memes. “Please make it stop,” a deeply fatigued Stewart pleaded before playing the clip, posted to official government accounts, of Trump crossing out the name “Lake Ontario” and writing “Lake America” in Sharpie amid escalating trade tensions with Canada. “You can’t! That’s not how things work!” Stewart shouted. “You don’t settle complicated international agreements by writing just a new name on the map and expecting everyone to just follow along. 

“Why are we trolling them?” he wondered of the Trump administration’s needling of Canada. “Is that the plan? To troll them into submission?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses (after years of touching Canada)

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll have to find another reason why I spend so many nights eating pickles and ice cream while crying (giant gold neck chains)

A Canadian woman was arrested on the Jersey Shore after she attacked teens for wearing pro-Trump clothing. Luckily, the teens were able to fend her off by hitting her with their giant gold neck chains. —Joe Mackey

The chancellor of a San Francisco college testified that the vast majority of pregnancies are in women. So, I'll have to find another reason why I spend so many nights eating pickles and ice cream while crying. —Joe Mackey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage (after years of touching Canada)

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's embarrassing I have to keep explaining this (all seven Harry Potter books)

President Trump seems to be having a meltdown over the $4.6 billion Gordie Howe international bridge between Windsor, Ontario, and Detroit, Michigan, which Trump falsely claimed had been built with “virtually no US content”. Trump threatened to block the opening of the bridge, named after the Canadian-born Detroit Red Wings hockey legend, scheduled to happen later this spring. 

“Come on, Canada, you know how this works. Pull out the Sharpie, cross out the Gordie Howe, write in the Donald Trump and everybody can relax, alright? And of course, all of this, every bit of this, is an effort to distract us from Trump’s name appearing in the Epstein files more than 1 million times, according to representative Jamie Raskin, who has reviewed the unredacted files. There’s only 3 million pages in the whole thing. That’s more than Harry Potter gets mentioned in all seven Harry Potter books.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never thought you would be the first (Stop! I’m the wrong woman!)

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

A funeral home in Canada is reportedly under investigation after they cremated the wrong woman’s body. Even after she told them, “Stop! I’m the wrong woman!” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she should have been worried about them voting (Oh, wait)

Then again, why wouldn’t Ted Cruz win in Texas? Because at the end of the day, real cowboys only love three things. Barbecue, rodeo, and Canadians who went to Princeton and Harvard. --Stephen Colbert

In Mitch McConnell’s home state of Kentucky, anti-gay marriage county clerk Kim Davis lost her re-election. All this time she was worried about gay people getting married, when she should have been worried about them voting. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thanks a lot, Celine Dion! (their supply of weed is almost gone)

The New York Times published a big investigative article today that dug into the Trump family’s questionable finances. The article had all kinds of revelations. For example, Donald Trump has always claimed to be a self-made man. But apparently by age 3, he was earning $200,000 a year from his father and by age 8 he was a millionaire. Even more amazing, Trump learned how to file bankruptcy by age 9. --James Corden

Just days after legalizing marijuana all across Canada, store owners throughout the country say their supply of weed is almost gone. All of Canada’s weed has been smoked. Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to give more information to rent a Toyota Camry (You know, they have Katy Perry now)

The government has begun accepting applications for what President Trump calls the Trump Gold Card, an expedited visa for foreigners who pay $1 million or more.  Trump — he thinks citizenship is something you could sell, like a condo, or a steak, or Eric when he was a baby. — Jimmy Kimmel

“You would think that a transaction like this would involve a good deal of paperwork, right? Nope. The application’s one page long. You have to give more information to rent a Toyota Camry.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“A quick message here to rich immigrants: Before you pony up, have you considered Canada? You know, they have Katy Perry now.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, now it's just part of the job (he then sublet it to Halliburton)

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us? (We're here to talk to you about your tweets)

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after years of touching Canada (They blamed others)

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it's Epstein Files Not Released Day...Again (b*** plug night)

Geese have reportedly caused a popular beach in Finland to be covered in a shocking amount of poop. Define a shocking amount of poop said Biden’s night nurse. —Greg Gutfeld

Some pervert threw a green dildo on the court during a WNBA game. Fans were shocked because it was butt plug night. —Greg Gutfeld

American Eagle stock has gone way up since airing the Sydney Sweeney jeans commercial. Also up. Boners. —Greg Gutfeld

Singer Katy Perry was spotted on a date with Canada’s former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Who knew she was a lesbian? —Greg Gutfeld

In a recent poll, men struggled to name a masculine leader in the democratic party except Obama. Causing pollsters to ask, which one? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he ain't missing that (good hair and a soul)

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper. --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How else are we gonna pay back the money we stole from you? (There was a young man from Nantucket)

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

"It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam in the White House. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. 'There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'" --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”