they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like if a capitalist made a hospital everybody could afford (Did you cheat on your wife with Trump?)

New York’s primary elections, which saw Democratic socialists win two House positions and several state seats this week. While every election has its winners and losers, there was one guy who came out on top last night, who wasn’t even on the ballot, and it was Mayor Zohran Mamdani. All three candidates backed by the mayor won their races, leading one commentator to call him a “kingmaker”. A socialist making kings? That’s crazy! That’s like if a capitalist made a hospital everybody could afford. —Josh Johnson 

President Trump has thrown his weight behind the Texas senate nominee Ken Paxton, who has been involved in several political scandals over the past decade, with accusations of bribery, fraud and abuse of office. Last year, his wife filed for divorce on “biblical grounds” after reports that Paxton had been unfaithful. Biblical grounds? I’ve never heard that before. Imagine showing up to your divorce with a Bible, going, ‘He committed all the sins.’ Paxton has gushed about his “love” for Trump, saying “every time I’m around him, it’s infectious.” That’s a weird way to describe your relationship. Did you cheat on your wife with Trump? —Josh Johnson 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you mocking me? (it just means he's getting married again)

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the

government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm

starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt.

--James Corden

Yesterday, Donald Trump signed an executive order that will impose sanctions on foreign countries that try to interfere in United States elections. He's trying to stop election interference? He loves election interference! What's next, trying to stop bad spray tans, three-cheeseburger dinners? This is a real change for Trump. Usually when he punishes a foreign person it just means he's getting married again. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you (It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously)

Trump is filling dozens of positions on his communications team. And they are interviewing candidates as we speak. The campaign does say that it doesn’t want anyone with a criminal record. Once you start working for them, a criminal record will be provided for you. --Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, Donald Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying (Slappuccino)

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying. --James Corden

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

opening up our public lands for drilling (Second, of course, is...)

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier (head to the polls next Tuesday)

"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, they are called Republicans (starter pack)

 Governor Gavin Newsome announced a plan to provide 400 free diapers for every newborn baby, or as Jill Biden calls it, a starter pack. —Greg Gutfeld

AOC claims there are quote a lot of people who would like to see her run for president in 2028. Yes, they are called Republicans. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm my own man, plus another guy (Well, that never stopped us before)

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because most of the voters there are sober (he started calling them dad)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

Deutsche Bank in Germany gave Donald Trump more than $2 Billion in loans. They gave Trump so much money he started calling them dad. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And we know Trump is lying because we can hear him (Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq)

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, adult film star Stormy Daniels took a polygraph test in 2011 about her relationship with President Trump, and the examiner found there was a more than 99 percent probability she told the truth about their affair. And we know Trump is lying because we can hear him. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Us love you more, Mr. Trunks! (Just scrape it off if it tastes funny)

Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!" –Seth Meyers

Some parents across the country are worried after certain brands of sippy cups have started growing mold inside the mouthpiece valves. While other parents are on their third child. “Just scrape it off if it tastes funny.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then, there’s the national orgy (the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president)

President Trump called us late night talk show hosts untalented and wondered what we were all going to do in 2024 when he’s no longer president. Well, first there’s the parade. Then, there’s the national orgy. And then I’m thinking a sandwich and a nap. --Stephen Colbert

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.” –Stephen Colbert

Today, the republican held senate rejected Trump’s border emergency declaration 59 to 41. I mean the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (a crisp nut-punch)

“There was plenty of talk of a so-called ‘red wave’ ahead of the midterms, but as it turns out, it wasn’t as bad as the people who make money off of fear wanted us to fear it would be. Tuesday’s results are a crisp nut-punch to Republican optimism leading up into this election. Look how confident Republicans were before the election with Donald Trump Jr. tweeting that it was going to be a ‘bloodbath!’ of Republican victories. That did not age well. Reminds me of what General Custer tweeted just before Little Bighorn: ‘This is gonna be awesome. Ow, I just got shot in the head.’” —Stephen Colbert

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there's HOW many people in WHAT (feet picks on Only Fans)

DNC is so broke it's ready to post feet picks on Only Fans because donors are avoiding them like Hunter Biden avoids child support. —Greg Gutfeld

Next week's heatwave is expected to smash dozens of records in New York, Philly and Chicago. In fact, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker has already declared his crotch a disaster area. And in New York Jerry Nadler has already tested positive for chafing. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

neatly folded and pressed (It's called a driver's license)

According to a new report Chinese spies have infiltrated Stanford University. This became very apparent when all the graduation gowns showed up neatly folded and pressed. —Greg Gutfeld

Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry says she doesn't know if a woman should ever play James Bond. After all women already have a license to kill. It's called a driver's license. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, who won the midterm elections? (Unicorn Academy)

President Trump defended his tariffs, saying that the poor economic numbers were Joe Biden's fault. Well, guess what I wasn't forced to do during Biden's economy. Buy myself just the horse from Unicorn Academy without the doll that goes with her. —Colin Jost

Uber is offering teenagers free rides to prom. So get ready, your driver Matt Gaetz will be arriving soon. —Colin Jost

A chihuahua named Pearl who is just over 3 inches tall has been declared the world’s smallest dog. Pearl is so small I couldn’t even see her in front of my lawnmower. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (Wait, we can do that?)

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” –James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Betterluck Jonathan (Art thou up?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”