You should because you are (That must be the Republican masculinity we keep hearing so much about)

“During a campaign rally on Saturday, Vivek Ramaswamy, who is running for governor of Ohio, struggled to lift a boy into the air, letting the child slip back to the ground before regaining his grip. That must be the Republican masculinity we keep hearing so much about.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like watching a toddler pick up the family cat. Somebody’s going to get hurt and it’s probably not the cat.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that pie? (feeling fresh before a hijacking)

Dallas Fort Worth International Airport will install Islamic foot washes inside their restrooms. It's all part of a bigger plan to make al-Qaeda members feel fresh before a hijacking. —Greg Gutfeld 

A pervert at Planet Fitness secretly filmed dozens of naked women while they were using the tanning beds. That's fake news. It was Gold's gym and I'm not a pervert. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The good news, she was just crowned Miss New Jersey (Great. Now, how do I screen my interns?)

Miss North Carolina lost her crown after racist posts resurfaced where she repeatedly uses the n-word. The good news, she was just crowned Miss New Jersey. —Greg Gutfeld 

San Francisco ordered Apple and Google to remove apps that can digitally erase people's clothes that would show them naked. Great. Now, how do I screen my interns? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (Brotherly Love)

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool, at least they think we do something (at halftime all five starters left for the NBA)

Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA. --Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke (trying to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol”)

Watching Donald Trump try to explain the legal troubles of his declaring a National Emergency was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke. --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Baby's First Circular Saw (We need to talk)

Another sequel to The Godfather is in development, and it will feature a female driven narrative. The infamous horse head scene has been replaced by something even scarier. A note that says, "We need to talk.” —Tom Shillue

The US Consumer Productions Safety Commission announced the recall of 125,000 Cozy Land toddler tower stools. Also being recalled, Baby's First Circular Saw. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (No, you take a bite first)

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of "You take a bite." "No, you take a bite first." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's amazing when you can get to that level (Take the hint)

Check this out. Over the weekend, Trump's pick to be the next U.N. ambassador withdrew herself from consideration. You’ve got to hand it to Trump -- his administration is running so smoothly, that his staff are now firing themselves. That's amazing when you can get to that level. --Jimmy Fallon

“A cat from Florida that went missing two years ago was just found 1,400 miles from home in Kansas. Yep. The owners were really excited, while the cat was like, ‘Take the hint.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, "Yeah! OK! That sounds good!" So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My advice: Charge $10 per high five (the spectrum)

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum". –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know the difference between a cat and a politician? (Heads or Tails)

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol (they mention they have a cat)

Uh, guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during alcohol awareness week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol. --Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she realized her horrible mistake (Crack GPT)

A woman reportedly traveled 100 miles with her pet cat on the roof of her car before she realized her horrible mistake of getting a pet cat. —Greg Gutfeld

Hunter Biden accused Jake Tapper of writing his book on Joe Biden by using chat GPT. Unlike Hunter, who only uses Crack GPT. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy (because otherwise it would have been weird)

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money." –Jimmy Fallon

New documents reveal that when Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear, the woman he sent it to was a cleaner, not a prostitute as previously thought. You know, because otherwise it would have been weird. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina (he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story)

Two FEMA employees were fired for watching porn while at work. In their defense, the movie was called Hurricane Katrina, and a lot of things got blown. —Greg Gutfeld 

Actor Michael Caine is coming out of retirement at age 92 and he says with some old age makeup, he's ready for the lead in the Joe Biden story. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a $7 million book deal (Baby Jeff)

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

"A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Alexa, who paid the highest criminal fine in United States history? (I said that's my final offer)

An Australian man was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of bull semen. It was valued at $100,000 after I said that's my final offer. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile new data suggests Kamala Harris’s trouncing in 2024 could have been far worse if more people had voted. So if the Dems had worked harder to get out the vote they would have gotten fewer votes. Turns out their biggest enemies are their own policies, candidates and party. They're like a cat who's allergic to cats. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada (an hour of questions)

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, after 64 days in office today, President Biden held his very first press conference. Normally, when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions, they’re getting a physical.” —Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”