We have so much to learn from your people (I’d rather be standing in front of a tank in a square face)

Trump spent most of Xi’s White House visit just pointing at [expletive], while Xi did his best effort to pretend to be impressed. Trump was particularly proud of his new helipad, telling reporters that Xi “loves good granite.” Does he? Does he love good granite? Is that his ‘I love good granite’ face? Because it looks like his ‘I’d rather be standing in front of a tank in a square’ face.” — Jon Stewart

“President Trump, I’m sure you’re proud of your new circular granite helicopter parking spot; but just so you know, this is Shenzhen, China. They’ve got a fully autonomous magnetic levitation train. Pretty sure he’s not blown away by ‘carved rock in shape of circle.’” — Jon Stewart

“By the way, you know, China did used to work in rock about 3,000 years ago. So, again, I’m pretty sure Xi Jinping is not like, ‘This used to be grass, and now it’s rock? We have so much to learn from your people.’” — Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The smart money is on Tim Tebow (and the number is growing by the hour)

"Dick Cheney was on television yesterday. He was giving an hour-long speech. In the speech, he's defending waterboarding. I thought, boy, that's a tough call — would you rather be waterboarded or listen to Cheney for an hour?" --David Letterman

"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" –David Letterman

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s two trips to the grocery store (we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand)

During his keynote speech at the G.O.P. midterm convention in Dallas on Wednesday, President Trump promised that he would give every American $5,000 if Republicans retained control of both the House and Senate in the upcoming elections. $5,000? That’s two trips to the grocery store. — Michael Kosta

“I like how Trump calls this a dividend. Do you know when businesses hand out dividends? When they’re raking in money. The last time I checked, we, as a country, have negative $40 trillion of money. America should not be handing out dividends — we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand.” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We're manipulated into directing our fear at everyone except those responsible (then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey)

"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney accused Barack Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same pit crew that Trump uses to get ready every morning (cornhole at the Jefferson Memorial)

“Well, guys, this weekend on the streets of Washington, D.C., President Trump is hosting an IndyCar race called the Freedom 250 Grand Prix. Yep, Trump is excited for the race. Usually when he sees someone driving 200 miles an hour, it’s Melania leaving the White House.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, the race is called the Freedom 250. However, Trump’s doctor is calling it the Freedom 168 and healthier than ever.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, first it was U.F.C. on the White House lawn, now IndyCar on the mall. Next up, cornhole at the Jefferson Memorial.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But this is cool: To honor the president, one racing team will be using the same pit crew that Trump uses to get ready every morning.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

his friends always want to have lunch at his house (George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8)

It has been reported that a woman in Illinois still breastfeeds her eight-year-old son and she says that the boy doesn't think there's anything odd about it. Though the boy does want to know why his friends always want to have lunch at his house. --Conan O’Brien 7/11/2002

The World Series starts this week. In an interview New York mayor Rudy Giuliani picked the Yankees in 7. And George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8. --Conan O’Brien 10/19/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after drinking blood from Keith Richards (armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid)

To find an effective biological weapon, the US Army experimented with killer mosquitos in the 1970s. Most of them died, though, after drinking blood from Keith Richards. —Greg Gutfeld 

Thieves stole at least $40,000 worth of Pokemon cards from a New Jersey trading card store. Police are describing the thieves as armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! (They are publicly buying democracy)

Paul Ryan was instrumental in getting the Republican tax cut passed last year, and on Saturday he was in a bragging mood, tweeting, "A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week. She said that will more than cover her Costco membership for the year." Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! --Stephen Colbert

"To all the worrywarts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, President Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Know What you Did Last Supper (like products for the machine to exploit)

Lions Gate just dropped a first look at Mel Gibson’s The Resurrection of the Christ. The original title was, I Know What you Did Last Supper. —Greg Gutfeld 

So, Joe Biden is suing to prevent the release of audio tapes he made that were part of the investigation of his potential mishandling of classified documents. It's nice to see Joe trying to prevent the release of something that isn't poop. Long way for a poop joke, but I went there. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen (garage sales)

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. The whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a con, fraud, hustle, scam, sham, swindle (It's the man from the hats we make!)

President Trump was greeted at the Great Hall of the People by schoolchildren jumping up and down in excitement, shouting, "It's the man from the hats we make!” —Michael Che

President Trump brought his son Eric to China as a gift. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest? (183 times)

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein (a careful study of socks)

RFK Jr. claims teenage boys in the 1970s had twice as much sperm as today’s teens. This after a careful study of socks. —Greg Gutfeld

Tiger Woods appeared earlier today in a Florida courtroom. He wasn't scheduled to appear. He just lost control of his SUV and crashed into the courthouse. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump is traveling to China with Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and 15 billionaire CEOs. I haven't seen that many billionaires on a plane since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein. —Greg Gutfeld. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows (but an ironing board beat her to it)

 Taylor Swift has filed to trademark her voice and likeness in order to protect against AI misuse. She also wanted to trademark her ass, but an ironing board beat her to it. —Greg Gutfeld

So, the White House says they now have federal approval to build a 250 foot arch in Washington DC. And according to the Army Corps of Engineers, it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our citizens should know the urgent facts (acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner)

So, we're hearing more about acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner and it's pretty inspirational stuff. Brian Stelter used his body to shield a crabcake. Chuck Schumer attempted to bore the gunman to death. Kamala Harris escorted the bartender to safety. Bill Clinton offered to pat down any suspicious interns. Mitch McConnell stayed hidden in his shell and Joe Biden played dead. —Tom Shillue

A California woman escaped being kidnapped by texting 911 from a gas station bathroom. People are calling her brave for using a gas station bathroom. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files (I get why you think you’re Jesus)

Jimmy Kimmel then took the podium for his own alternative White House correspondents’ dinner roast, targeting the president and his minions. “We’ll get you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I’m sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too. I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already **** (a well informed examination)

Daryl Sheets, a star of the TV show Storage Wars, has died. Oh, Daryl. His last words. We'll get your locker right open, Mrs. Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House Correspondents Association dinner erupted in chaos after a crazed gunman rushed to the security checkpoint and opened fire. The man was immediately grabbed, tackled to the ground, and offered his own prime time show on CNN. Good news though, Nancy Pelosi was safe as she was wearing a bulletproof face. When reached for comment, Joe Biden said, "It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already dead.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because you know who left the last supper early? (that’s only because it’s never been worse)

 

A happy tax day to all who celebrate. Reports about the Iran War has driven consumer sentiment to its lowest level in 70 years. It turns out that 1956 is as far back as the numbers go, meaning that consumer confidence is at the lowest ever recorded. It may sound bad, but that’s only because it’s never been worse. —Stephen Colbert    

Vice President JD Vance commented at a Tuesday event about the Pope’s criticism of Trump’s Iran war. “I think it’s very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Hey, JD, I know you’re Catholic, but you joined in 2019, OK? I’ve been genuflecting since the mid-1960s. I think you’re out over your Catholic skis here, OK? I think it’s time for you to sit down, then stand back up. Then kneel. Then stand again. Then shake hands with people around you. Then kneel a little more, then go take communion, then go back to your pew for some more kneeling, because you’re not sneaking out of here after communion. Because you know who left the last supper early? Judas. —Stephen Colbert    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”