What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

his friends always want to have lunch at his house (George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8)

It has been reported that a woman in Illinois still breastfeeds her eight-year-old son and she says that the boy doesn't think there's anything odd about it. Though the boy does want to know why his friends always want to have lunch at his house. --Conan O’Brien 7/11/2002

The World Series starts this week. In an interview New York mayor Rudy Giuliani picked the Yankees in 7. And George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8. --Conan O’Brien 10/19/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after drinking blood from Keith Richards (armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid)

To find an effective biological weapon, the US Army experimented with killer mosquitos in the 1970s. Most of them died, though, after drinking blood from Keith Richards. —Greg Gutfeld 

Thieves stole at least $40,000 worth of Pokemon cards from a New Jersey trading card store. Police are describing the thieves as armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! (They are publicly buying democracy)

Paul Ryan was instrumental in getting the Republican tax cut passed last year, and on Saturday he was in a bragging mood, tweeting, "A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week. She said that will more than cover her Costco membership for the year." Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass! --Stephen Colbert

"To all the worrywarts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, President Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Know What you Did Last Supper (like products for the machine to exploit)

Lions Gate just dropped a first look at Mel Gibson’s The Resurrection of the Christ. The original title was, I Know What you Did Last Supper. —Greg Gutfeld 

So, Joe Biden is suing to prevent the release of audio tapes he made that were part of the investigation of his potential mishandling of classified documents. It's nice to see Joe trying to prevent the release of something that isn't poop. Long way for a poop joke, but I went there. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen (garage sales)

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. The whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a con, fraud, hustle, scam, sham, swindle (It's the man from the hats we make!)

President Trump was greeted at the Great Hall of the People by schoolchildren jumping up and down in excitement, shouting, "It's the man from the hats we make!” —Michael Che

President Trump brought his son Eric to China as a gift. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest? (183 times)

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein (a careful study of socks)

RFK Jr. claims teenage boys in the 1970s had twice as much sperm as today’s teens. This after a careful study of socks. —Greg Gutfeld

Tiger Woods appeared earlier today in a Florida courtroom. He wasn't scheduled to appear. He just lost control of his SUV and crashed into the courthouse. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump is traveling to China with Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and 15 billionaire CEOs. I haven't seen that many billionaires on a plane since I flew to an island with my buddy Jeffrey Epstein. —Greg Gutfeld. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows (but an ironing board beat her to it)

 Taylor Swift has filed to trademark her voice and likeness in order to protect against AI misuse. She also wanted to trademark her ass, but an ironing board beat her to it. —Greg Gutfeld

So, the White House says they now have federal approval to build a 250 foot arch in Washington DC. And according to the Army Corps of Engineers, it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our citizens should know the urgent facts (acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner)

So, we're hearing more about acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner and it's pretty inspirational stuff. Brian Stelter used his body to shield a crabcake. Chuck Schumer attempted to bore the gunman to death. Kamala Harris escorted the bartender to safety. Bill Clinton offered to pat down any suspicious interns. Mitch McConnell stayed hidden in his shell and Joe Biden played dead. —Tom Shillue

A California woman escaped being kidnapped by texting 911 from a gas station bathroom. People are calling her brave for using a gas station bathroom. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files (I get why you think you’re Jesus)

Jimmy Kimmel then took the podium for his own alternative White House correspondents’ dinner roast, targeting the president and his minions. “We’ll get you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I’m sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too. I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already **** (a well informed examination)

Daryl Sheets, a star of the TV show Storage Wars, has died. Oh, Daryl. His last words. We'll get your locker right open, Mrs. Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House Correspondents Association dinner erupted in chaos after a crazed gunman rushed to the security checkpoint and opened fire. The man was immediately grabbed, tackled to the ground, and offered his own prime time show on CNN. Good news though, Nancy Pelosi was safe as she was wearing a bulletproof face. When reached for comment, Joe Biden said, "It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already dead.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because you know who left the last supper early? (that’s only because it’s never been worse)

 

A happy tax day to all who celebrate. Reports about the Iran War has driven consumer sentiment to its lowest level in 70 years. It turns out that 1956 is as far back as the numbers go, meaning that consumer confidence is at the lowest ever recorded. It may sound bad, but that’s only because it’s never been worse. —Stephen Colbert    

Vice President JD Vance commented at a Tuesday event about the Pope’s criticism of Trump’s Iran war. “I think it’s very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Hey, JD, I know you’re Catholic, but you joined in 2019, OK? I’ve been genuflecting since the mid-1960s. I think you’re out over your Catholic skis here, OK? I think it’s time for you to sit down, then stand back up. Then kneel. Then stand again. Then shake hands with people around you. Then kneel a little more, then go take communion, then go back to your pew for some more kneeling, because you’re not sneaking out of here after communion. Because you know who left the last supper early? Judas. —Stephen Colbert    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

You both historically care deeply about the same thing (It’s never great when someone says...)

 

There have been public clashes between Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV, which began when the pope delivered a beautiful, compassionate message for the Easter holiday calling for peace around the world. It does not come into my brain that anyone in the world hearing the Pope’s message of peace will have some kind of weird problem with it. Except for Trump, who posted on his social media website Truth Social that the leader of the Catholic church was “weak” and a “loser”. I am really starting to sour on this president. Look, President Trump, I know the Vatican’s been critical of your policies, but you gotta remember that at the end of the day you and the Catholic church both historically care deeply about the same thing – covering up sex scandals. —Jon Stewart

President Trump has criticized the pope, whom he has called a “loser”. According to one Italian religious historian, not even Hitler or Mussolini attacked the pope so directly and publicly. It’s never great when someone says, ‘You should really be more discreet and respectful. You know, like Hitler.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

62 people own half of the world’s wealth (Question. Disobey. Dismantle.)

It was reported today that 62 people own half of the world’s wealth. The other half bet on the Green Bay Packers. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Help, I don’t want to be president anymore (everyone in New York has learned to sleep through it)

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.” –Seth Meyers

A new alarm-clock app has launched that wakes users up with unconventional sounds like shattering glass, gunshots, and women screaming. Unfortunately, everyone in New York has learned to sleep through it. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be (That’s a bit much!)

The idea that Trump voted by mail at the same time he tried to ram this ‘save my fat orange ass’ act through Congress right now, which is a bill that would do away with mail-in ballots, has put leaders in the GOP in a bit of a pickle. Asked about this latest act of brazen hypocrisy, Mike Johnson, the Republican speaker of the House, attempted to sidestep. “I think some states have handled mail-in voting well,” he said. “I think Florida is a good example of that. They don’t allow fraud, they’ve got great systems. That is not true in other parts of the country,” like California. Listen, I’ve lived in both states, and the only thing Florida does better is get manatees addicted to meth, all right? If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that Pentagon officials provided Trump with daily “sizzle reels” of military strikes in Iran to boost his mood. Just step back and think about this: every day, they’re bringing him these fun little action movies of us blowing stuff up. Everyone’s telling him how great he’s doing. He’s got four whole cable networks dedicated to kissing his ass 24/7. His staff is terrified to ever bring him any bad news, and he has the memory of a worm at the bottom of a bottle of mezcal. And this is the man in charge of sending our children to war – at least the ones whose dads don’t have a good podiatrist to get them out of it. Our own government is making war propaganda videos for the person running the war. Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘That’s a bit much!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears (every single time it turns out they lied)

Kamala Harris was seen with a drag queen who was impersonating her. The impersonator was so convincing he's currently banging Willie Brown. —Greg Gutfeld

"Sunday night, reality star Lisa Rinna attended an Oscar party wearing a dress made from 11 pounds of human hair. But don't worry, most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears. --Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”