This is the worst matchup for an interview since they sent that honey glazed ham to interview Chris Christie (They're Like a '5' Tops)

Roy Moore's campaign just got worse because yesterday we found out that a pro-Trump group sent a 12 year old girl to interview Roy Moore. This is the worst matchup for an interview since they sent that honey glazed ham to interview Chris Christie. –Stephen Colbert

Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I'm guessing, "The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren't Anywhere Near a '10,' They're Like a '5' Tops." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a Beluga whale in every toilet (two bonus minutes)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she seems to have gained a lot of weight in prison (send wasabi and chopsticks)

Recent pictures of Jeffrey Epstein cohort and convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell show that she seems to have gained a lot of weight in prison. Sources say she's trying to make it harder to be lifted up to a noose. —Greg Gutfeld

Speaking of the Olympics, a Norwegian medalist tearfully admitted on camera to cheating on his girlfriend of just 6 months. Well, say goodbye to being on the Wheaties box. —Greg Gutfeld

A 46- ft whale washed ashore dead on Sunset Beach in Oregon. In lieu of flowers, Bobby Kennedy is asking that you send wasabi and chopsticks. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet (they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only shots these agents were blocking were coming from José Cuervo (Countries ranked by prosperity)

Football player Travis Kelce is expected to retire after the 2026 NFL season. So, he marries rich, then stops working. Who does he think he is? A woman? —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump just revoked Kamala Harris's Secret Service protection, which had been secretly extended by Joe Biden. I guess it makes sense. The only shots these agents were blocking were coming from José Cuervo. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (no force on earth can stop it)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The opposite of what America does (Medical cares)

Donald Trump has a poor reputation in Canada, which he has antagonized by referring to it as the “51st state”. Congrats, Donald. You turned the most polite country on Earth into an enemy. This is like getting a handwritten letter from Mr Rogers that says: ‘Hey neighbor, I’m going to burn your f*cking house down.’ —Seth Meyers

But “the friendly attitude didn’t last long” as Trump kept insisting that Canada would join the US as the 51st state, because Canadians would enjoy a “free military” and “tremendous medical cares”. “Medical cares? Oh yeah, I’m sure Canadians are jonesing to give up their free universal healthcare with cheap prescription drugs in exchange for American – what did you call it again? Medical cares? A system where you pay a thousand bucks a month for the privilege of filling out credit card forms when you’re still in the back of the ambulance?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is also my nickname at the strip club (Just as he was about to reveal what he saw at those Diddy parties)

Harry, the miniature donkey who served as a model for donkey in the Shrek movies, has died at the age of 30. Just as he was about to reveal what he saw at those Diddy parties. —Michael Che

A new study finds that the country with the largest average bra size is Norway. But America still has the largest average bra size for men. —Michael Che

In New York City, police are searching for the serial mugger who makes victims negotiate what he'll steal and is being called the Haggler After Midnight, which is also my nickname at the strip club. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, just like last time (then he triumphantly rode off into the pavement)

Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony has been moved inside the Capitol building. Hey, just like last time. —Michael Che

President Biden delivered a farewell address to the nation on Wednesday and then triumphantly rode off into the pavement. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping (No that's socialism!)

One in four Americans – about 68 million people – are expected to bet on Sunday’s big game. And when I say bet on the game, I mean bet on Taylor Swift. Among the things people can bet on: what color top Swift will wear, whether Travis Kelce will propose and win MVP, and whether or not Swift will be shown eating a hot dog. Let me say that there is no more important conversation a father can have with his child than sitting them down and explaining that he can’t go to college because Taylor Swift did not eat a hot dog at the Super Bowl in 2024. —Jimmy Kimmel

In political news, a federal appeals court in Washington DC unanimously rejected Donald Trump’s claim of immunity from all criminal charges during his presidency in a scathing 57-page ruling. It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump’s campaign said that he respectfully disagrees with the ruling. Although, if Trump knew to respectfully disagree with a loss, he wouldn’t be on trial in the first place.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps (I reject your reality)

"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush issued an Easter proclamation that said, 'This is a season of renewal and for remembering that hope overcomes despair.' Then he said, 'And let's not forget those delicious marshmallow peeps.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The opposite of what America does (I don't recall giving you the day off)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for British Petroleum said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson

"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money (the opposite of what America does)

Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump's defense, it's hard to be a fan of the Bible when three out of the seven deadly sins helped him get to where he is today. “Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was also asked if he preferred the New Testament or the Old Testament of the Bible and he responded, “Uh, probably equal.” It's a tough choice, because the Old Testament focuses on immigrants moving to a new country and the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money. –Jimmy Fallon

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Which is why this season it will be called “Dancing with the Stars … and Rick Perry.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (six of which Ozzy remembers)

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Zero percent support Joe Biden guessing what the BT and Q stand for (even by rat standards)

A new poll shows that the best known Supreme Court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of the same way that the best known sandwich mascot is Jared Fogle. --Colin Jost, SNL

An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad, even by rat standards. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new poll shows that 75% of LGBTQ support Joe Biden. But Zero percent support Joe Biden guessing what the BT and Q stand for. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I don't always aim...)

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were

Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the

Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit

edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did well with voters under 45. Basically, if you’re a Democrat who’s had a colonoscopy, Joe is your guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which was unfortunately too many words to fit on his tombstone (What's wrong with us?)

"An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks." –Seth Meyers

"Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires." –Seth Meyers

A man ate 409 chicken wings to become champion of Philadelphia’s Wing Bowl over the weekend, which was unfortunately too many words to fit on his tombstone. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”