I'm just going to keep saying this (hot, very hot, and me in a mesh tank top)

The Pentagon has authorized testing a heat ray crowd control weapon to break up dangerous mobs. There are three settings: hot, very hot, and me in a mesh tank top. —Greg Gutfeld 

Stevie Wonder is suing his ex-girlfriend for living on his property rent free for nearly 40 years. The good news is he finally realized he doesn't have a ghost. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You Can See Everything but the Epstein Files (fun-sized)

“Meanwhile, ahead of the midterms, Trump’s approval rating just hit a record low. Trump staffers were like ‘This time of year, we prefer to think of it as ‘fun-sized.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“I think Trump is running out of ideas. First he offered people $5,000 and today he said, ‘If you vote Republican, you can be my press secretary.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump is trying everything. He just asked Nathan Fielder to make a documentary about him called ‘You Can See Everything but the Epstein Files.’” — Jimmy Fallon 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is the camera like, statutory? (a word he learned from his best friend Jeffrey Epstein)

“Republicans got some very bad tidings from the fake liberal media, as even the president’s former favorite, Fox News, predicts that Democrats will flip the House in the midterms. The network also betrayed Daddy with a new poll that said his approval rating is now at 36%, its lowest point ever, while traffic to Trump’s social media site, Truth Social, is down 30% year to year. 

He seems to be the only one who posts to Truth Social. And I seem to be the only one who reads those posts on Truth Social. It’s really just the two of us. Don Jr. hasn’t posted on Truth Social in two months. Even Eric hasn’t posted since July. His own stupid sons have forsaken him!

But people are still showing up by the dozens to see him in person. Trump has been touring and boring the country all this month, to remind voters what an amazing job he thinks he’s doing, and to castigate the fake news for not turning the cameras around to show the size of his crowds.

At one of his rallies on Thursdays, Trump pursued such a point in his usual nonlinear fashion and wondered: “Is the camera like, statutory? Is it like a statue, you cannot move it?” Statutory – it’s a word he learned from his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. —Jimmy Kimmel  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Operation Take Away Grandpa’s iPad (ChatGPT is about to release the Trump-Epstein files)

President Trump addressed concerns about the dangers of A.I. on Monday, calling the outcry “a hoax.” He said the robots will not be taking over the world, which is exactly what the president says at the beginning of the movie where the robots take over the world. Meanwhile, Trump’s advisers are worried about it. According to The Wall Street Journal, senior officials in the White House have been meeting almost daily to discuss ways of convincing the president to put up more guardrails against A.I. to protect us. They’re calling it ‘Operation Take Away Grandpa’s iPad.’ — Jimmy Kimmel

“And almost every day they get together to talk about A.I. and develop plans for how to keep us safe, which they then bring to the president, who then tells them about his uncle who worked at M.I.T., eats his lunch, and falls asleep.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If you want him to take the threat of A.I. seriously, it’s real simple: Tell him ChatGPT is about to release the Trump-Epstein files. I’ll bet 100 bucks he’ll get Pandora stuffed right back in that box.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane)

President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. Meanwhile, Joe Biden slipped out of a hearse after hitting a speed bump. —Greg Gutfeld 

“President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. That’s the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane.” — Anthony Anderson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Operation Chillax, Bruh (5 second rule)

“Now, when asked about Donald Trump's hair, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said, ‘Lighting is everything.’ And she’s right. For instance, when you shine a light on the Epstein files, her boss’s name magically disappears.” — Anthony Anderson

“But I don’t think this was the lighting. Because I looked it up, and this is real. Trump’s new hairdo looks exactly like the $15 Trump wig you can buy on Amazon: Donald Trump wig for adults and kids, one size fits most.’ I have to say this, though: Kids, if you show up to my door in that wig on Halloween, you ain’t getting [expletive].” — Anthony Anderson

“Of course, the war in Iran continues to dominate the news and Trump has now backed off his threats to launch more strikes. He says that his new approach is, ‘low-keying it.’ Yeah, that’s right. We’ve gone from ‘Operation Epic Fury’ to ‘Operation Chillax, Bruh.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to keep saying this (plus 36 weeks vacation time)

Senator Lindsey Graham has died. When asked by a news host whether we know the full story about his death, Trump said: “Well, I think we do. We have great doctors and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.” It’s actually a fairly common cause of death. We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. —Michael Kosta 

Shortly after Lindsey  Graham’s passing, it was announced that his sister Darline Graham would be his interim replacement in the Senate. A Senate seat? That’s an inheritance jackpot! Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. —Michael Kosta

Darline Graham’s qualifications differ from those normally expected of Senate members, with a job history that has focused on government agencies helping the blind. She is currently president-elect of the national council of state agencies to the blind. If anything, she’s overqualified. I’m worried she’ll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. —Michael Kosta

Let’s move on, because Lindsey’s sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ (Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane)

On Wednesday, President Trump left the NATO summit in Turkey on his old Air Force One instead of a new Qatari-donated Boeing 747-8 after the Secret Service urged the switch as a security precaution amid hostilities with Iran, according to people briefed on the plans. Did they bring both Air Force Ones? Is that why there’s no gas in the world anymore? Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane? — Ronny Chieng

Also, you know what happens any time they switch planes on you, OK? Trump definitely lost his luggage. He’s calling them like, ‘Hey, did you guys find a box? It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ — Ronny Chieng

“I mean, it is a little suspicious. It’s like being at a party where the toilet’s overflowing and all of a sudden, I’m like, ‘OK, everyone, I have to leave immediately. No one read into this, please.’” — Ronny Chieng

“And, of course, we had to abandon the Qatari plane for security concerns. Of course that happened. This is why when it comes to the most important plane in the world, you don’t go certified pre-owned.” — Ronny Chieng

“America should spring for a new one, and Trump should give the Qatar plane to, I don’t know, give it to Southwest. I’ll fly in it. I don’t care if they spy on me. What are you going to do, find out I’m watching my own movies on the entertainment system? I’m not ashamed! I’m great in them.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them (without stopping to have sex once)

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers

A man completed a 180 mile unicycle ride yesterday, across the state of Maine, unbelievably without stopping to have sex once. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she no longer believes cows are sacred (she blames herself)

JD Vance has been on a media tour promoting his book about Catholicism. And last year he said that he hopes his Hindu wife Usha converts to Christianity. And now there is hope. Once Usha saw her husband on The View, she no longer believes cows are sacred. —Greg Gutfeld 

During an event in New York City, Hillary Clinton criticized Joe Biden's decision to run again in 2024. She said, "I blame myself for not strangling him first.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

while her husband’s ankles were swelling with pride (all the refinement and prestige of a Hooters at the Vatican)

For his 80th birthday, President Trump planned a UFC match on the front lawn with all the refinement and prestige of a Hooters at the Vatican. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Melania seemed to have fun watching someone else get trapped in a cage at the White House while her husband’s ankles were swelling with pride. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Trump almost stayed awake for the whole thing but he took a UFC fiesta. Only Donald Trump could fall asleep at a birthday party sponsored by Monster energy drink. —Jimmy Kimmel 

This week also saw his name officially removed from the Kennedy Center yet not from the “Trump-Epstein files”. —Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, join the club (isn't that called New Jersey?)

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George

W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer

president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein (It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man)

On Saturday, Donald Trump Jr married his partner, Bettina Anderson, in the Bahamas in a small ceremony attended by 40 guests none of whom were his father. On Truth Social, Trump wrote that he “very much wanted” to be there but felt it was “important for me to remain in Washington, DC at the White House during this important period of time”. He had circumstances pertaining to government – and also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein. —Jimmy Kimmel

This is a guy who golfs two, three times a week, he’s going to UFC fights with Vanilla Ice. He was too busy for his son’s wedding. But he did say Don and Bettina are going to have a great marriage, and this is a man who knows a great marriage; he’s had three of them himself. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is stuck in the war with Iran like a pig in a vat of chocolate pudding. On Saturday, the president said that a deal with Iran was nearly finalized, but US bombs continue to strike the country. It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish it had been you (traffic across state lines)

According to a senior official, President Trump keeps a letter in the Resolute Desk addressed to Vice President JD Vance in the event he dies or is assassinated. The letter reads simply, "I wish it had been you.” —Colin Jost

Texas Senator John Cornyn has introduced legislation to rename a state highway "Trump Interstate" because, for some reason, people associate Trump with traffic across state lines. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s because he hired the same people who do his face (it was on an island)

Meanwhile, Trump’s plans to repaint the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool are said to be uneven and behind schedule. That’s because he hired the same people who do his face. —Seth Meyers

It’s a perfect time for the president to fly to China before playing footage of his welcome, which included a group of children dancing and cheering. Trump remarked on how beautiful the children were and, in character, [Meyers as Trump]: “The last time I saw so many young and beautiful children greet a plane, it was on an island.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Danny Haiphong: Iran SINKS 3 US Destroyers — Trump Restarts WAR! | Andrei Martyanov

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

LBC: Project Freedom: Simon Marks outlines Trump's plan for the Strait of Hormuz

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”  

 

I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files (I get why you think you’re Jesus)

Jimmy Kimmel then took the podium for his own alternative White House correspondents’ dinner roast, targeting the president and his minions. “We’ll get you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump-Epstein files.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I’m sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too. I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, ‘Christ, he’s back.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Iran ANNIHILATES IDF — 5 Brigades DESTROYED, 300 Missiles FIRED, Israel PANICS | Lawrence Wilkerson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”   

 

Douglas Macgregor: Iran DESTROYS 12 F-35s With 300 Sayyad-4, Israel Air Force CRIPPLED, U.S SILENT

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”